Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

If its not convenient because- doesn't matter what- then the answer is NO
Sorry DSil I've made plans for my DC to do activities next week so I get some time to catch up read /a book/ stare at a blank wall quietly/so it doesn't work for me sorry.
Here's the number of the holiday camp if you want to book yours in. thefree childcare is over

This line about the kids being sad, how lovely it is for the cousins to spend time together, family this family that, is ALL emotional blackmail. Don't fall for it, I used to get the same lines from my CF sister. She never returned any of the childcare favours, nor the money I lent her! Now NC. Draw your boundary and keep it! Best of luck.

Exactly this. I went to work as a TA, mainly so I could be there for my own children in the holidays. We have taken a hit pay wise but I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t become a babysitter/childminder for others (family or not) whilst they choose to continue working full time. It’s called life choices.

That's just a way to guilt trip OP. I doubt the kids were crying at all.

They are not being respectful to you, nor kind to their own or your children.

Their behavior is the opposite of respectful.

They clearly do not value you or the childcare you've provided for free in the slightest.

I also think it's a potential safety risk if you have 6 kids and can't go anywhere given ambulance waiting times. What would you do if one of them broke a bone?

Well said x

I’m amazed 5% of 2k voters have you as unreasonable. Maybe they’re the ‘we’re all full-time mums’ people, and reacting to that, because surely no one thinks you’re unreasonable not to give the childcare.

I wouldn't wager on it.

There's ample proof on this site that some women are very invested in volunteering other women's time.

No they weren't. She's full of it, or she's completely, inappropriately 'primed them' to be outraged when she shouldn't have even TOLD them she asked if you would have them (provide free childcare at your own money/time/effort expense) and you said no (without providing context as to what she was really asking of you and your own family's needs).

She's vile and entitled.

Stand firm and say no. Don't offer her anything and tell her it's also because of her entitled, unreasonable behaviour.

If they can afford holidays to America for a month they can afford childcare. Or maybe Sil can give up work.

What do they usually do for childcare?

No. She is a parents and knows she shouldn’t promise things she can’t control. I doubt the kids are crying. SIL is trying to manipluate you.

Perhaps they think OP is unreasonable to have not put her foot sooner.

They are taking the piss. Absolute CFs. You already have three children and they want you to look after three more for days at a time simply because you’re the most convenient option to them - there’s no thought for what suits you. They need reminding that you didn’t stop working in order to make yourself available to offer free childcare for multiple children during the day for other people. This is one of those ‘sorry, that doesn’t work for me’ situations where you’re perfectly within your rights to decline. I’d tell them you were happy to help out once or twice but the favour is now becoming a regular expectation with unwanted pressure and that doesn’t work for you. You do not want responsibility for looking after six children when you haven’t volunteered to do that.

I used to work with someone who's child was in the same class as mine. She used to text the night before or sometimes on the day to collect him if she realised I wasn't working. We were shift workers (and her partner) but obviously left it until the last minute to realise they were both working. I hated looking after him. My daughter didn't like him much and I found the after school time really hard anyway.

I think the thing that I struggled with the most was the expectation. Its' ok, so and so will do it. I appreciate that shift work is difficult but you generally get your shifts 6 weeks in advance, why wait to the last minute. If you use friends/family for regular childcare (instead of childminders/holiday clubs etc) they you exhaust all support when you have an emergency and are desperate.

Do you know what I would do if i was you. For xmas i'd give them some (homemade) vouchers for free childcare to be spaced out during the year. (don't forget to add terms and conditions ) Maybe 3 for the year with an expiration date, they'll have to plan then and not "expect" you to do it.

I think she will turn up on your doorstep with them.
She has no childcare (not your problem in any way) I'm expecting desperate tactics

I think it's actually gone beyond whether it's reasonable or not to not do the childcare. Now it's about the expectation and the entitlement of it all and her reaction to you saying no, the "can you at least..." bit suggests that she thinks there is a bare minimum that she's entitled to demand from you.

Getting other family members involved to try to bully you and then switching to emotional blackmail when that didn't work are signs that you need very firm boundaries with this person. It's awful behaviour and I can tell you from experience that you need to be rock solid here, if you give an inch and allow any of these tactics to work it'll happen again and again.

Emotional manipulation. She’s a very silly mother for promising her three young children that you’d be looking after them for days without actually asking you first. Just shows you the presumption and lack of giving a shit about you really!

That’s what I feel as well. I suspect they organised their month long holiday thinking they could then rely on OP to take care of the kids until their annual leave allowance renews, and now they realise that it is no longer going to be possible they’re panicking.

Not just about the days in question but any other days they’d planned to have OP have the kids.

I don’t want to fall out with anyone as we do as a family have a good respectful relationship.

You might want to rethink that!

BIL & SIL clearly have no respect-to the point of getting his brother & father involved!

Wonder how that went.

"Daaad, Aprilmaymum won't do what we tell her..."

She's now admitted to promising her kids YOUR time/home/care - without actually asking YOU?

Wow, she is something else.

Absolutely and i bet tgey try their luck again either over a weekend or at the oct half term holidays. I dont think this is the end with this one!

Your DSIL and DBIL sound like a pair of manipulative users. I would be furious at them dragging in-laws in to this and trying to emotionally blackmail with tales of 'poor nieces/nephews are so upset' bullshit. If it was me, low CF tolerance, I would block both of them and leave DH to sort out his family.

The answer to that is

"That's great so maybe you could have our 3 over next Saturday. DH and I can go shopping."

When they query it. Answer

"Family helps family"