Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

You’re right to say no ! My dc used to always go to the same holiday clubs as SS and SD this year as i no longer work they aren’t there as soon as DP ex found out about this she wanted us to have them as well !!! I said no the arrangement is as always DP pays half of all childcare - the clubs will be fine for her dc.

I'd message back and say something like:

'I don't want to fall out over this. I've given you my answer. We can arrange another time to come over and visit if the cousins want to see each other'.

Leave it at that and mute her for a week or so.

Pure raging for you OP. Do not back down.

"Ah that's a shame the kids are upset, you shouldn't have told them before checking but sure hindsight is 20/20. Shall we all meet up on Saturday so the kids can see each other?

Like I said, I can't do any childcare this week, I have my own booked into camp so I can get some stuff done. I think you'll need to take me off your list anyway, it's too hard having all six together on my own. Not fair on the kids and definitely beyond my own capabilities - not what I had in mind when I gave up work haha."

Then finish out with some bullshit about hoping X enjoyed gymnastics or whatever.

Keep it friendly but firm and no one can criticise you.

I’m overinvested in this thread but that ‘at least’ is bugging me. Can you ‘at least’, as a bare minimum, to make up for the crime of not being on call for all their CF childcare needs - it’s so rude.

I’ve been the working outside the home mum needing childcare and the mum who isn’t allowed to describe herself in any way that might upset some other mother online, I’ve received and given help and always shown/been shown appreciation. Valued for the work of caring for children. This is the opposite of that. I really hope you’re staying strong, OP.

Your SIL's manipulative behaviour in this would make me angry. You didn't have a prior agreement you backed out of she just didn't bother to ask you. She shouldn't have said anything to her children. Her making out it's all your fault is unfair and I would tell her that if that's her attitude and she takes no responsibility for sorting out long term childcare for her own children then I don't want to do her any more favours especially as it's never reciprocated

Actually this is better than mine.

OP did help. She helped out 2 or 3 days last week. This is not an emergency situation where normal arrangements fell through, this is her BIL and SIL who have not bothered to make any arrangements for childcare. And there is no reciprocal arrangement - SIL and BIL don't look after OP's dc. OP is prioritising her own dc's expressed need for more quiet time that is not spent with cousins.

I sort my childcare before the holidays and take annual leave where needed. Say no and don't give in as she will just continue to use you so she doesn't need to pay out on childcare or use her annual leave! Your husband should also be standing his ground with his brother and saying no. The odd day here and there is fine, but every week and for 3 days no way!!!

Good one.

I still can't absorb that they blew all their money and AL on a one-month trip to the US in terms of time. What on earth was the reason for that?!

Why did she tell them they were coming without checking with you first, their cousins aren’t going to be there anyway as they are at clubs. It’s all on her, she’s emotionally blackmailing, if you want to be kind you would offer to have them an afternoon in a few weeks time that suits you but don’t feel like the bad guy

Your sil is a grade A CF!

Manipulative cow! How dare she tell her DC about that to emotionally blackmail you!

A more accurate thing to tell her DC would be "Mummy and Daddy are too lazy and cheap to arrange holiday clubs and childcare for you, even though we've known when school holidays are for a year. We don't care enough about it to take responsibility for you and your brothers, and Aunty April is busy."

How bloody dare she! That would be it for me as far as cooperation goes, OP. It's deliberately hurting her own children in a bid to bully you into free childcare.

yes good idea, reply and say that’s a shame but as your children are at clubs they won’t see them anyway but you’ve nothing on Saturday so happy for your kids to go round to theirs then for the day so that her kids have something to look forward to

I have said no as I have plans for the week and it is hard to do things with 6 DC. I don’t want to fall out with anyone as we do as a family have a good respectful relationship. I think my problem was allowing myself to be available at the drop of a hat and not saying anything before. I hope now we can move on as a family and not let this get in the way.

The point is that your DSIL's kids wouldn't be with the children, so there would have been tears anyway.

"I booked camps this week a long time ago so that I could have some admin time to get jobs done, so the kids won't be around to play with their cousins anyway and I have things to do that I can't rearrange. I'm sorry that you feel so disappointed, but I am sure that you can understand that it isn't really fair on anyone to assume you can drop the kids off for full working days without checking in advance. I'd love to organise a playdate with all the cousins with you for another time - when are you available?"

This enrages me. She is going at you through BIL, through your husband and now through your FIL!

She sounds vile. Please don't relent.

You gave up a good JOB to be in charge of your own life, not to be on call for in-laws. Don't reward her by caving in to keep the peace; SHE is the one disturbing the peace.

Remind FIL that the AL and funds they used for their April term time holiday could have covered their summer childcare needs nicely.

(Where the hell did they go for a month?!)

But the op gave up her work and didn’t take the fulltime job becuase of these factors about the childcare she wasn’t happy with, sil could do the same

Well done OP. Hopefully she takes no for an answer now.

Good for you.

I'd love to hear how they respond. Clearly SIL has zero respect for you. I'd never, ever give her or BIL the slightest assistance again.

That's understandable however that DOES work both ways and you're clearly seen as the free childcare as you do nothing else option - so stand strong

Sounds as though you are being bullied OP 😟.

I find it very strange and sexist that your DBIL contacted your DH about the matter. Presumably he thinks your DH is your timekeeper? I would be sooo cross about that. Then your DFIL contacts you, honestly it's ridiculous. I appreciate youve said your DH agrees and is supporting you but frankly of course he bloody should and secondly who cares if he does or not anyway as it's YOUR time to use as you wish!

If it were me I'd be saying I wasn't doing it anymore and ask them to leave you alone. Put yourself and your children first.

@Aprilmaymum OMG what a nightmare!

Hope you've got a 2-3 week holiday booked soon if only to give you some respite from this CFery.

Just say no. Maybe suggest she should look after your dc?

Talk about emotional black mail and guilt tripping. What an absolute twat of the highest proportion. If you cave now, she knows all she has to do in future is tighten the screws. Stand up to her now and you've drawn a boundary she'll know she can't push.

I was this person, always had all the children (dbs) either left over at mine for a few days or me going over to theirs for a few days to help out along with my own children.
After this I would have complaints about your child did/ said xyz etc etc always told to me through db never directly from sil.
Obviously the nephews and neices one day must have said something along the lines of love going to their house or something because all of a sudden neices no longer allowed to come over. While DN who were very active and a handfuld all 3 then all 4 left at mine for days!
I didn't mind at the time as we would play games and do loads.
Then once everyone moved and yet again we helped them out with 3 weeks of 24/7 child care sil decided to cut off as much of the relationship as she possibly could.
Destroyed all relationships between the cousins. I finally saw enough to protect my own children who loved having cousins over. I finally had to explain that yes would love to have cousins around unfortunately auntie x no longer wants to allow it. She went to the extent of not telling us we were invited to 3rd party events by other friends who wrongly assumed sil would tell us! I had to tell friends that sil no longer wants anything to do with us and please let me know directly if my children are invited.
Even had dn call me several times to ask to come over and I always said sorry need your mums permission as db was travelling at the time. Still makes me sad sometimes as if I bump into them. They always say they had the best time at our home and miss it. One time we had made plans to have every one over for a special party all agreed to and arranged with sil (db traveling for work) no one turns up so I call to find out from dns that mum and dad had a fight on the zoom call and now mum won't bring us over! Like how petty is that! I had offered to go pick all 5 children up and look after them till sil could be bothered. Honestly don't know what it is/ was that was the problem.