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Original poster

Saying no to childcare in the holidays

895 replies

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:03

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

OP posts:
anothernewstart9 · 04/08/2024 12:57

Nope, stick to your boundaries and say no to the one day. As others have suggested, arrange a date at HER house for the kids to play together (although your son won't be keen).

Original poster
Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:57

Funnynotfunny · 04/08/2024 12:41

I am not surprised your brother-in-law is making those comments about family and helping. As recently as March your mother-in-law was providing free childcare for you and you were posting that you couldn’t afford nursery, and didn’t like the way the local child minder drove children around in the car all day. Maybe your sister-in-law is in the same situation now and finds nursery too pricey and doesn’t like how the child minder works. Why is it OK for you to use family for childcare but not them? Here’s the thread in case you’d forgotten www.mumsnet.com/talk/childcare/5035271-childmindernursery-help

Not forgotten. My MIL from my first marriage who helped me out. She loves DC. Sadly she is no longer on the scene.
Although this is noting to do with my post our situation changed as DH was given a better job with more hours hence why I gave up to be a SAHM.

as I have said I do not mind helping out my family and I have since I left work but 6 DC from 8:30 until 6pm is too much and I have things planned for my DC and clubs booked.

OP posts:
LoneHydrangea · 04/08/2024 12:57

SIL and BIL is quite clear. That bloody D in front of everything is so ridiculous.

Anyway, you’re not a child minder. Stick to your guns.

ButterCrackers · 04/08/2024 12:59

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

This is a typical cf response to you saying no to childcare and when your kids won’t even be there as you have organised your own childcare! I’ve had this ‘but my kids love to come to your place and now they are so unhappy because you have said no’. This is rubbish and lies. The kids don’t care. She cares. Stick to your no. She’s manipulating you and the more you say no the more extreme her replies will be. Be ready for this. No is your reply to everything. No, You can’t do one day. You have organised childcare for your own kids and you are busy. What a cheek she has.

Kirstyshine · 04/08/2024 12:59

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

Do not back down.

Prioritise your children.

Suggest a day out all together one weekend so the cousins can play.

HeyTalkToMeGoose · 04/08/2024 12:59

@Funnynotfunny

You seriously don't have anything better to do other than dig through ops old posts?

It's fine she also used childcare as it's nothing to do with this scenario so you've wasted your time anyway 😂

SonicTheHodgeheg · 04/08/2024 13:01

You’ve done some so shouldn’t feel guilty.

This should be a wake up call that your previous childcare is not appreciated at all.

Lilactimes · 04/08/2024 13:02

I’m a full time single mum and had very little help from my family and always worked and arranged clubs and childcare for my DD. It was a military operation and exhausting so I get it.
i do think tho that friend and family support is everything.
my friends who were stay at home mums always helped me during emergencies and to pay back I would have their kids at the weekend. Yes it’s a piss take, but yes you’re at home and they’re family so you could help them when they’re at work and they should help you out when you need it at weekends for some time for you!
hopefully it can work both ways if people help and support eachother. Good luck x

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2024 13:04

PassingStranger · 03/08/2024 22:18

I'm sure op is quite able to get her point across without swearing.
Poor advice and unnecessary.

Show quote history

Are you new here?

Filamumof9 · 04/08/2024 13:06

@Funnynotfunny she choose to amend her working hours to zero so she does not have to rely on childcare any longer as such during the holidays etc. She made a financial sacrifice, even if her DH is in a better financial position now. Her SIL and BIL have not made any such sacrifice and are still expecting free childcare on the detriment of the OP who would have to provide it then. That is not correct and a different situation. Undoubtedly BIL and SIL have other family members they could ask , not only OP. Furthermore 6 kids for such a long day sounds like hell to a lot of persons, especially is 2 are very active. OP is entitled to have her plans for the holiday period and should not have to amend it to accommodate someone who is using emotional blackmail to get their way, while SIL and BIL could have resolved their problems by signing up for clubs etc.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 04/08/2024 13:06

Do your BIL /SIL ever have your kids for the full day (8-6)?

AbbieLexie · 04/08/2024 13:07

No is a full sentence - Doesn't work for me/us is also a full sentence. No discussion at all just on repeat. A very very valuable lesson mumsnet educated me about.
SIL & BIL are out of order. Flowers Winefor you, hubby & FIL
Do not backdown - please

MyveryownFlyingSaucer · 04/08/2024 13:07

Funnynotfunny · 04/08/2024 12:41

I am not surprised your brother-in-law is making those comments about family and helping. As recently as March your mother-in-law was providing free childcare for you and you were posting that you couldn’t afford nursery, and didn’t like the way the local child minder drove children around in the car all day. Maybe your sister-in-law is in the same situation now and finds nursery too pricey and doesn’t like how the child minder works. Why is it OK for you to use family for childcare but not them? Here’s the thread in case you’d forgotten www.mumsnet.com/talk/childcare/5035271-childmindernursery-help

Was that supposed to be a big gotcha?

I think the SIL has found the thread 😂

Can afford a month long holiday in the US but not holiday childcare 🤔

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2024 13:08

Tell your DH to tell his brother (as they've both got involved for some reason) that emotional blackmail won't work and they shouldn't share proposed plans with small children till they're confirmed

And THE COUSINS WON'T BE THERE!!

SonicTheHodgeheg · 04/08/2024 13:09

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

This is clearly emotional blackmail.

Enjoy your time with the kids - the update about your son being relieved not to see them shows that you are going the right thing.

Happyher · 04/08/2024 13:10

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:14

She is far to busy with all her activities to ever help out.

Show quote history

So are you! You are not a child minder

Lacdulancelot · 04/08/2024 13:10

Lilactimes · 04/08/2024 13:02

I’m a full time single mum and had very little help from my family and always worked and arranged clubs and childcare for my DD. It was a military operation and exhausting so I get it.
i do think tho that friend and family support is everything.
my friends who were stay at home mums always helped me during emergencies and to pay back I would have their kids at the weekend. Yes it’s a piss take, but yes you’re at home and they’re family so you could help them when they’re at work and they should help you out when you need it at weekends for some time for you!
hopefully it can work both ways if people help and support eachother. Good luck x

But op doesn’t want to.
Remember op is not paying into a pension, she’s living on one income.
The sil has offered no financial compensation or even a gift.
She could have paid for holiday club for all the dc in return for op getting them there and picking up.

I’ve never accepted help without giving a gift, a df used to pick my ds up from school one day a week and keep him for an hour, she wouldn’t accept payment so I bought flowers and chocolates at the end of every term.

OriginalUsername2 · 04/08/2024 13:12

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

This is ultimate CF tactics! “My children are crying because of you” is a classic.

Sensible parents don’t tell their children unconfirmed plans.

Mylovelygreendress · 04/08/2024 13:18

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

My teacher DD made the decision not to do any childcare over the holidays ( she has her own DC) because supposed friends were so pushy . Picking DC up late etc the final straw was when one friend texted around 5pm asking if DD could keep the kids overnight so that she and her partner could have a break !
It’s a blanket no now.

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 04/08/2024 13:21

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

Any upset is her own fault for promising her children something she wasn't in a position to command. Good parents manage expectations.

Totally agree 6 children is too much for one adult to be solo for, even if they all get on (which they don't always) or if it was going to be reciprocated (doesn't seem likely)

FloofPaws · 04/08/2024 13:22

@@Aprilmaymum - they're not going to be with their cousins as you're taking them to days out
You're not the bad aunty as she shouldn't have told them you were looking after them - tell her you'll gladly dump your kids on her on her next day off and she can entertain the masses

Berthatydfil · 04/08/2024 13:23

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

If the cousins are upset they wont see your dc then the ideal solution is that yours go to her house to see them ……..

GoFigure235 · 04/08/2024 13:24

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

Tell her that if they're so upset not to see their cousins, you'll drop your three round at hers at the weekend while you run some errands.

Has DSIL ever offered any money for all this free childcare?

StaunchMomma · 04/08/2024 13:27

Aprilmaymum · 04/08/2024 12:11

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

Do NOT give in to that blatant emotional blackmail, OP!

I'd be tempted to message and say 'Again, we have PLANS. I am not cancelling them to provide childcare for you. That's not fair on my kids. I am perfectly entitled to make plans with my children over the holidays. You shouldn't have told the kids they were coming here when it hadn't been confirmed. Please don't rely on me for weekly childcare over the summer break.'

She needs to understand that this is you putting your foot down once and for all. If you agree to have them for one day, you'll be going through this bullshit argument again in a few weeks.

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 04/08/2024 13:28

YANBU Definitely not. If she needs childcare she needs to sort it not just decide you are the free solution.
And to the poster who said people who stay at home with their kids are not "full time mums" because people who work are not "part time mums" - dont kid yourself. Ive recently taken on a fulltime job having previously been a fulltime stay at home mum. Theres no way Im the mother I was when I was at home fulltime. I just havent got the time any more to do the sorts of things I used to have time to do and totally feel like my mothering is now only a part time thing.