Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

Tell her to put her hand in her pocket and pay for a childminder or holiday club. She’s being a CF.

The answer is still NO. It beggars belief that people think you can juggle six children?!

Good for you for sticking to your guns, don't back down now.
Honest to god, the cheek of some people - expecting free child care all summer 😠

Christ! You've more patience than me. At this point I'd be saying a firm no and telling her not to ask me again, ever. Don't waste your time sending details of clubs. It's their job to sort childcare for their children. Block them for a while for a bit of peace!

I am not surprised your brother-in-law is making those comments about family and helping. As recently as March your mother-in-law was providing free childcare for you and you were posting that you couldn’t afford nursery, and didn’t like the way the local child minder drove children around in the car all day. Maybe your sister-in-law is in the same situation now and finds nursery too pricey and doesn’t like how the child minder works. Why is it OK for you to use family for childcare but not them? Here’s the thread in case you’d forgotten www.mumsnet.com/talk/childcare/5035271-childmindernursery-help

"As I said l, we already have plans that can't be changed. Let me know a date you're available though and I'll send my kids to your house for the cousins to play together".

If you say yes it will be a regular thing - and you will always be stand by. Just make it bloody clear that one person minding six kids is not on!

They need to sort on own childcare and not just call on freebies for you. What a taker

Except she didn't ask demand her SIL look after all of her kids all day during the holidays.. not really comparable and a bit stalky of you.

She means she is very upset because she didn't make proper childcare arrangements and is now using her kids to guilt you. I'd stick with a firm no otherwise she won't learn and this will happen again. You could offer one day in a few weeks if you wanted to - planned on advance, not as backup childcare

I'd never say yes again after SIL trying to cause drama and emotionally blackmail you!

Absolutely not. She is very manipulative and will continue to harass you for childcare if you give her an inch.

No, that doesn't work for me. Is a fine response.

Is there space in the clubs all cousins can be together

I'd reply saying that you can't even get them all in the same car and your kids are booked into planned activities that you have to drive to. And your kids would be crying if you had to cancel the lovely things you've got them booked into to make them stay at home for 3 days straight.

This is a great idea and would work with a normal person.
but be very careful, you are dealing with a Class 1 CF, who has no shame and has reached the Flying Monkey's recruitment phase, to join in the pressure. Your ILs and her kids ( who SHE made cry, if they actually did, NOT you.)

I had a massive childcare CF on my back for some time and this was exactly the tactic she used to try to reel me back in after I'd said no. Not asking but telling me that she would take my DC3 for a certain day. I said I didn't need that for various reasons and so no thanks. She then got her DH to ring my DH and try to get him to say yes - mano a mano.
First time they'd ever offered and so persuasive even DH was saying, surely it can't hurt. I had to say no again and again. I understand the pressure you are under and with a relative must be much greater.

Having got wise to them I knew They were only doing this to put me under an obligation to continue assisting them. The fact that they got angry and wouldn't take no for an answer, made that really clear. I knew It would probably have petered out very quickly and once done, they could use the argument that it was reciprocal (never was!) and make it even harder to turn down the last minute emergency plea (three times a week - so like yours not an emergency at all! including dropping and collecting much later than stated) .

Except that clearly OP decided she wouldn't work PT and would stop, and that might be because of her childcare issues. She therefore isn't using MIL to do childcare. She realised that relying on family/nursery/CM wasn't going to work so has fixed her life accordingly. Why should the BIL and SIL benefit from 2 FT salaries without paying for childcare?!

“The kids won’t be here and I am busy. Why would I pay to put my kids in a camp for a few days so I have time to do a load of admin but then look after your children. I’d be paying someone to watch my kids so I could look after yours. It makes no sense”

If she’s prepared to use her children like this to get her way, she’s the type to hold them back from family events at Christmas etc because she wants to spite you. And I’d let her. What a witch. I hope you haven’t and won’t tell her your eldest is looking forward to some peace next week, but I can’t imagine for a second ignoring my child wanting to enjoy his summer holiday his way in favour of being dumped with “active” cousins because his aunt and uncle can’t be bothered to sort out childcare and go running to mummy and daddy when their sibling’s wife doesn’t get them out of a hole they’ve dug for themselves.

80% of parenting problems on MN fall into the category of “children having children”, and your SIL and BIL are firmly in that category. Leave them to it. Treat them like the children they are. You’ve said your piece a few times over now, stop repeating yourself. They’re just having tantrums and whining in a bid you get worn down and give in, just like 3yo kids do. Save your energy for your own actual children. Leave them to MIL and FIL to sort out.

It's a shame you told them they'd be coming to me. Why would you upset them like that?

And why haven't you got any childcare arrangements in place? It's the summer holidays. They happen every year.

Our plans mean we can't have your children. The answer is still no. This means no for both next week and the rest of the holidays.

Here's some holiday clubs you might want to try, although I imagine they'll be fully booked already with parents who can sort out their shit.

Tell her she is welcome to have your DC round at hers next weekend so her DC can spend time with their cousins.

You could suggest taking your kids over to hers on the next available Saturday, if they have been looking forward to a get together so much.

Snap 😂

Actually it’s not what happened. The OP was asking a question as she had been offered a position and was trying to work out the best options for childcare and weighing up costs etc. Her MIL wasn’t providing free childcare for three children but was potentially going to be asked to pick the eldest up from school. The OP even said she wouldn’t expect her MIL to look after all three as it would be too much with the younger ones. After looking into it all the OP decided not to take the job as it would work for them.

Whereas the SIL hasn’t worked out what works for her family and just wants to take advantage of the OP. Completely different scenarios.

Perfect reply to the guilt tripping of you by your SIL

@Funnynotfunny, you are expecting OP to mind your children for FULL DAYS because you cannot be bothered to pay for childcare. This is cheeky fuckery on your part.

Well done you.