Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

Unbelievable cheek. Dumping their kids on you constantly to avoid paying for child care. Six kids under 9 is exhausting and completely unreasonable. They sound a right pair esp BiL calling FiL - that’s some level of manipulation.
I fear your going to have to tell them the crèche is now permanently closed. They are the sort to circle around in a week or so and ask again and again.

If they'd have put one tenth of the time they are now putting into causing a family rift, into actually SORTING OUT their own childcare - things would have been sorted out long ago.

Amazing how some people use their time in causing trouble rather than finding solutions.

I hope your parents-in-law keep out of it (unless they are going to care for their gchildren themselves) and not be emotionally manipulated by the CFs into blaming you.

@Aprilmaymum Good for you. Nice firm answer, no drama.

I'd offer to do one afternoon in about 3 weeks time. I'd feel like I was offering something but emphasising that I had plans until then.

At the end of the holidays tell BIL and SIL that it was unfortunate that most of the clubs / activities were already booked up and they should book them now for any October holiday.

Hilarious. Blows all their leave on a holiday expecting OP to cover their childcare for free instead.

Cheeky entitled fuckers.

OP and her husband are sacrificing for their own family, not to financially support his brother's family. OP has her own children to sort and enjoy time with. She has zero obligation to do it for other people, so they can save money and effort themselves.

Good that your FIL has backed off but I am surprised he didn't ask DBIL in the first place what had upset DSIL - all a bit patriarchal for me. All working parents know to plan in good time - having family available for emergencies is a huge benefit but outrageous to assume they can just park 3 children on you like this.

I think you should explain to them that you can only help once in while due to emergency. You cannot be their day to day childcare. They need to sort themselves out!

Good for you
Don’t let her problems become yours, and don’t let this situation doubt the decisions you’ve made for your own family

I am also a stay at home mum and this grinds my gears! The benefit of you not working is that you are able to be there for your children all the time. The benefit of your SIL working is the second income. Bet she doesn’t share the money that she gets, but expects you to share your time.

They of course won’t see it like this and will think you’re being massively unreasonable. You’re not, stick to your guns!

The benefit of you not working is that you are able to be there for your children all the time. The benefit of your SIL working is the second income. Bet she doesn’t share the money that she gets, but expects you to share your time.

100%. I would actually point this out to them if they keep pushing for you to give up your time to support their chosen lifestyle.

And still say it's a hard no if by some miracle they did offer to pay the going childcare rate. That's not why you've stayed home with your own children.

Good for you OP.

DSIL "upset" that you won't provide free childcare for 3 children during the summer, saving her a fortune.

Absolutely cheeky fxxkers.

They couldn't have showed you more clearly just how little regard and respect they have for you, your husband, your family.

Reply from DSIL. She was very upset as her DC were crying when she told them I had said no. They were looking forward to being with their cousins. So now I am the bad auntie who has let them down.
she has asked can I at least do one day.

Say no!

I would bet anything they weren't crying and she's using that as emotional blackmail!
Tough shit! Don't back down OP.

Absolutely!

Tell her you hadn't realised DN was so keen to see her cousins, so you're happy to send all three of them over to theirs whenever she wants.

Just read your last update. They are emotionally blackmailing you and still refusing to take no for an answer. If you give in for one day it shows that your plans can be altered and it sets a preference doe the future. Pur your own family and their needs first. The DC have a right to your full and unwaivered attention.

So? Tell her that your dc were happy for them not to come, as they would like a quiet day.

Honestly, you need to seriously tell her to stop this madness.

That is emotional blackmail and her children being upset is down to her telling them before you'd even agreed. Don't back down OP otherwise you are setting a precedent here.
The children wouldn't even be with their cousins because yours have their clubs arranged! Even if they didn't, your son comes first and he clearly wants a bit of quiet time, and fair enough, being at school is exhausting and he should get downtime in the holidays. That's a benefit of you not working, that he doesn't HAVE to attend clubs during summer.

No way would I be looking after other peoples kids all summer. I only work term time to accommodate my kids not to facilitate free childcare for others. You didn't give up work and become a SAHM so your DH family can galavant of to America for a month in school time and use up all there annual leave in the process leaving them with childcare issues.

They should have thought about how they would manage childcare all summer. It totally changes your whole summer and your ability to do things with your own dcs if you gave there kid's. Why should your kids miss out because your DSIL chose not to sort out childcare. I don't mind helping someone out occasionally if it's an emergency or the favour is returned but that's it. I want the freedom over the summer to do things with my kids whom I chose to change jobs and have a much lower income to be with.

‘I had booked holiday programs for their cousins so I could actually get some shit done, so they’d be crying here too and I wouldn’t be getting anything done. Sounds like an everyone loses scenario and it’s lucky I’ve already said no. Which I am still saying. Did you know you could have booked holiday care too? If I can work it out I’m sure you can.’
and hang up, then scream. What a selfish bitch.

text her back saying that's fine we can do a day together one day ie both mothers and kids on a day out not you babysitting
carefully now she guilt tripping

Yes this!

That use of blatant manipulation would make me completely double down and be 100% unco-operative.

Relationships are a two way street. She is taking taking taking and giving nothing positive back. Fuck her and everyone jumping on board to support her selfishness.

No no no that is blackmail, and I would tell her that. If DH starts caving ask him to take the day off work to look after them. If you keep changing your mind she will keep using you for childcare.

Tell her that the reason you said no is that you have plans. That hasn't changed, so the answer is still no.

She is next level cheeky bitch.