Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

I see a lot of responses have gone off topic.

I wouldn’t keep the peace here. I’d go ballistic. How dare she presume to use you for free childcare and commandeer your time? Absolutely out of order. Be furious. She owes you an apology, not the other way round.

I see some involvement of grandparents. Tell them to step up with the free childcare.

Expecting you to look after 6 kids for numerous days is ridiculous. At this rate you’d need to register as a childminder!

Good excuse to now tell them both due to the pressure they have put on you and family friction this has caused just because you dared have plans you will no longer be helping out under any circumstances so no need to ask again.

Are you 12? Seriously what is wrong with you? It is quite apparent to anyone with an ounce of intelligence that this PP retaliated in kind to the level of offence she felt. It’s obvious the PP was making a point.

@2sisters DIL stands for Daughter in Law.

Also, the D prefix on other things like DH stands for Darling not Dear

Can you stick to the point of the thread, a whole ranting paragraph about terminology is unnecessary.

What a hideous pair of cheeky fuckers. If your in-laws want to ruin their relationship with you then they are going the right way about it. Stand firm.

@Teateaandmoretea I literally just said in that very post you're replying to, that she should NOT feel obligated! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ My God the reading comprehension on MN sometimes is appalling

@Aprilmaymum You need to stay firm. If you give in and have the children now SIL will have a tantrum, involve the world and it's sister and escalate every time she doesn't get her own way. After this fiasco I wouldn't have the kids ever.

OP copy and paste this reply, it’s perfect.

@MillyMollyMandHey of course they should offer, I’ve minded people’s dcs as I really believe in altruism but people should absolutely offer back . Why not offer on a weekend day? I think it’s a really nice thing to do , I’ve offered and had it taken up by family and the parents have gone for a walk or coffee or they’ve gone to an event etc.
They should offer especially as the op has had their children several times in fact. You mentioned how you would help out as it’s good that people help each other out, I agree , her sil and bil should offer the op and her dh to have their children at a time that suits them to reciprocate the help they’ve received. Takes nothing to offer !

Er.... no!

It maybe worth you working out why this bothers you so much as this post is a much bigger reflection on you than it is the OP (who apologised for using the wrong term and explained she did not mean anything that resembles your interpretation of her post).

You’ve already sacrificed your career, salary and future pension. You have three children so that money would have been very useful later on. You are also taking a big risk, if your husband were to leave you. But this is your choice. And you didn’t do it to be a free childminder and mind 6 children. Then you might as well be working.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing - for the sake of your own and the rest of your family’s sanity.

And you do agree with sil and bil - that families help each other - which is why you let them know about holiday clubs in good time for them to be able to book them, as you did.

It’s not an emergency they need help with - their failure to plan for childcare over the summer holidays when they must have known they would have needed some (especially given the way they squandered all their leave on a big holiday during term time earlier in the year) does not constitute an emergency that needs you to give up your plans and make the days both qualitatively and quantitatively worse for you and your dc.

so glad that your dc has spoken about how much better it is when things are quieter at home - you have a super strong reason to plan every day that you don’t already have plans for as a quiet chill out day - and oops end of the holidays and you don’t have any days left to even offer to help. And very glad that your dh is happy to support you by saying you already have plans!

Again I feel like I have to defend this pp who correct me if I’m wrong @iamtheblcksheep was merely pointing out that this is the level of offence she felt. She’s not saying this is the bloody case. Why hound her for pointing out what others have too, that the OP say the wrong thing.

What!? You can be a doormat if you want to, but don’t encourage others to be doormats too.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.
You have taken the financial hit to stay at home with your children. You are not responsible for their childcare needs.
They all sound too intertwined in each others business. Your BIL is a CF to go to your DH after you already said no.
Glad your DH has your back.
If your In Laws are that bothered let them mind their grandchildren.

This is a good idea actually - find your anger & hurt at how they're bullying you.

Nope.

Her response was vile to someone that had already apologised, you're just defending vileness. Move along now.

A mild observation. This site has more than enough threads given over to WOHMs versus SAHMs going at it like weasels at each other's jugulars. This isn't one of those threads.

We are not adversaries. We have simply made different decisions, based on our particular circumstances, as to what most benefits ourselves and our families when it comes to the use of our time.

When others make different choices it's not a gratuitous insult or some kind of affront to an imaginary 'sisterhood'.

OP was coining a well-worn phrase, not in the above context, which clearly wasn't meant as some kind of indictment of other mothers. And she's apologised. No one needs a derail into the usual tedious treadmill to nowhere.

FWIW I am a career mum who is also secure in my status as a loving, attentive mother with a great bond with my child.

OP, I'm with PPs who in the light of DFiL's message advise you now to step back completely and let DH deal with his demanding, cheeky relatives. On no account should you call him back. You are not their paid employee and DH needs to nip this firmly in the bud, now.

Because the OP had long apologised for her comment and made it clear that is not what she meant when others pointed out they found the term offensive.

I am also a working parent who has their children in some form of childcare all holidays and juggles it all. The first apology was enough to demonstrate the OP meant no offence and will not make the same mistake again

OP, it’s an absolute pisstake to expect you to regularly look after 6 children during the holidays A family or not.

I can’t believe the sheer gall of your SIL, bringing the PIL’s into things and then all doubling down on the pressure.

Is SIL usually this much of selfish, manipulative arsehole? Is she a narcissist?

Their shift work and lack of annual leave is no one else’s problem to fix and you’ve been incredibly supportive till now.

The fact they’ve never offered to have your DC or reciprocated in any way tells you everything you need to know. Utterly shameless!

Yeah. The summer holidays can catch people out… I mean it’s not like it’s every summer or anything, how could they possibly have foreseen needing to have childcare arranged like everyone else has to do….

You’re right to stand your ground. SIL is a cheeky cow who clearly just expected you to have the kids for free for the whole holiday and now she’s realised you’re not going to let her take the piss she’s involving everyone else. This just shows how entitled she is.

Even the fact she’s asking week by week is cheeky. Why not have asked for help and confirmed all the dates well in advance? Because you’d probably have said no or asked for compensation. She thinks she’s being really clever and trying to sneak this past you. All it does is show how she values her time more than yours, and knows on some level it’s a big ask.

She can grow up and get f’ed. Having family help with babysitting is a privilege, not a right. There’s a reason people get paid to be childminders/nannies/nursery workers… it’s an important job that’s in serious demand. I don’t go to a restaurant, order a slap up meal, and just say “thanks, see you again next week” without paying. She should be grateful for the help she’s already received. It’s more than I’ve ever had!

I also note that she’s bringing all the drama and involving everyone and their dog, but she’s not even tried to offer to pay you as a means of trying to convince you. Tight cow.

Ugh, move along now? You’re a delight aren’t you.

…I disagree with your interpretation but then you seem like you want a fight. Go for it