Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

When you have children it is up to you to organise childcare , you are not responsible for your in laws bad planning. You became sahm to benefit your family and adding extra childcare duties unpaid is not your problem . I wouldn't give in they are completely taking the piss and involving your pils is really childish on their part. You said no , stick by it . They have 2 incomes , some of that should be set aside for the care of their children

I have 3 kids including twins, similar ages, and I would feel enormously guilty even asking family to have them for a day!! They are hard work. And OP has three of her own as well!! The cheekiness is off the scale. Please stick to your guns OP.

I have never seen that before. On a thread about sister in laws, brother in laws, father in law and mother in law-saying ‘dear in laws’, could be confusing! Never mind-don’t want to derail the thread but thanks for clarifying.

I had this once with a neighbour when I was on mat leave. Helped out a few times when she was in a fix but then it became expected. It was always on the day too, one day I said no as I had plans and she asked me to cancel them! Stick to your guns op.

Agreed! All mums are full time mums

@Aprilmaymum I agree they absolutely shouldn't be relying on you for childcare. Also, the BIL texting guilt trips is bloody manipulative. I think if you're not working, refused to ever help again, is a bit mean BUT you're definitely not obligated to do it.
However, if I'd discovered that they'd not arranged childcare for the holidays, on the basis of simply presuming you'd do it then I'd be furious and probably would refuse to help again.

Not nasty, pp is pointing out how offended she feels by the OPs description ffs.

Stick to your guns. Hopefully she won't ask next time and actually sort out childcare.

Wow the entire family is trying to bully you into it. Rude and weird.

I would be livid.

All the other mums and dads have sorted and paid for their childcare, including you. Who do they think they are?!

Never complain, never explain.

Just say you don't want to do it OP.

🙌

What are the chances of your BIL agreeing to take all three of your children in addition to his own on an upcoming Saturday?
Out of the question?
Thought so.

I don’t think not working is a reason to feel obligated.

What comes around goes around, if there was some reciprocal support, eg offers to babysit in the evening, or look after her children so that she and DH could do something at the weekend then that’s different. Working doesn’t mean you can’t ever offer any help.

Personally I always worked, didn’t want to look after other people’s kids in my spare time or days off and so never expected anyone else to look after mine unpaid either.

There is also the option of one or both parents taking parental leave over the school holidays. That means you can work and have time off to look after your own kids.

If she does this a lot, I think I'd have sucked it up for this week but would have said "I can but it means my DC ca 't attend paid for activities that are too late to cancel and I can't get a refund so can you stump up the cost of those activities and go halves on local stuff I can take them all to. For the rest of the holidays days x, y and z are free and I can help out then. Let's sit down before future holidays and work out a timetable where I can let you know when I can be available. Also, it's a big ask and non dire emergency childcare will have to be paid to cover my out of pocket expenses: ice creams, soft play, lunches and teas, etc.

I'm happy to help but I need notice so I can plan holiday time for .y own DC and safeguard a little down time of my own. Are there some days when you could have mine as part of a reciprocal arrangement.

You need to be seen to be reasonable and to take control.

Ah I didn't see that this would mean 6 kids in total. Bloody hell. How are you supposed to take them out anywhere if they don't all fit in your car?! That means yours will miss their swimming & drama etc.

People's brass neck in these situations amazes me. I work and this is the first summer I've had DD(5) at home summer holidays as before school she was in nursery. It's hard. You make arrangements. Not expect friends and family to just step in.

I think I would text FIL back and say. "That's a good idea as I am also upset and quite frankly furious. Can't wait to call you and talk it through with you. Didn't think you would want to get involved but so glad that you are happy to talk to her about her entitled, rude behavior. What time should I call you?" See how quickly he is to stay involved.
Don't let any of them overide your feelings with how upset/hurt they are, and the 'families help each other out', well that works both ways and that would be the reason that you watched their children last week, or had they forgotten about the massive favour you did for them?

OP I think many of us understood you meant you're at home full time when you described yourself as 'fulll time mum'.

FWIW I was a SAHM for several years until the youngest started school and now working full time. Personally for me, I actually find it much, much easier mentally now.

Although it was the right decision for our family, sometimes I used to find it pretty tough being a SAHM so I don't blame you for drawing a line about taking on more childcare and wanting a break from all that. Especially as this was not pre-arranged with you, it's not an emergency and it's not reciprocated.

Stick to your guns keep saying no.

Did you call your DFIL?

Do they know that you have deliberately booked your kids into activities so you can do some other stuff?

Unnecessary.

You need to be seen to be reasonable

Well, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say no, I don’t want to spend days on end of the summer holidays looking after 6 kids-it means I can’t even get them all in the car which isn’t fair in my own kids’

It's why she's the black sheep! 🤣

Keep saying no; if you give in this time, she’ll keep asking
This is your time, and you’re not obliged to help anyone
She should have childcare organised, and she obviously sees you as a ‘soft touch’
Well done for putting you and your family first

That’s a funny idea actually. It sounds like this woman is the golden child. Be the woman that’s even more upset and they won’t know what to do with it.

If she does this a lot, I think I'd have sucked it up for this week

But she ‘sucked it up’ and did it last week!

@Aprilmaymum DIL stands for Daughter in Law.