Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

YANBU.

There are PLENTY of paid childcare options out there in the summer holidays for childcare. Many of the larger organisations (Kings Camps, Super Camps, Barracudas) will take last minute bookings.

By the way, using 4 weeks annual leave, when they should have been in school was crazy! They must have known they wouldn't have enough a.l. for the holidays?! Did they actually agree with each other, "it's okay we'll just make sil do it, without asking her?! " What crazy people would even do that?!

Your DH’s family sound vile. Just out of interest, have the in-laws ever offered to have all six children for an entire day? Pretty sure the answer is no because it would be too much but they expect you to do it.

YANBU, they should have figured out childcare for the majority of the summer and maybe asked in advance for a few dates that they really couldn't cover. Three days in a row is a lot to ask and it sounds like they were always planning on just using you for the summer.

Perfect.

All sounds like a lot of drama, send a group message saying, we had them last week, can you have them this week as rather than spend the money on summer camp you can return the favour like we did last week. No? Ok MIL you’re the noisiest you have them - can you have mine too?

You and your DH can block all family members involved who are hassling you for a week. Enjoy the time for your children!!!

send childcare options to every member of family asking you to have 3 kids for free.

and say no for every day they ask until they looked after your 3 for same number of hours. Reciprocity!

I would text the in laws back
hmm not sure why she’s upset or why she felt the need to involve you guys is this. she asked if I could look after their kids this week (last minute) but we have plans this week so I had to say no. There are plenty of local holiday clubs available if she needs suggestions I can send some over 🤷‍♀️

Are you drunk?

yes.

It’s like me claiming it’s a privilege to earn enough to work! Realistically many SAHM do this because they didn’t earn enough to cover childcare for multiple children.

I’d now say I’m privileged, finding a job to fit around children with flexible hours.

For the first two children I worked ft, then I became a SAHM, then I started pt flexible work.

I wish women would get this jealous or competitive. Having tried them both I can honestly say both have challenges, both have rewards.

OP, call your father in law and get in front of this.

You've no idea why SIL is so upset. You've been taken advantage of, and you're so hurt that she thinks you're just sitting there ready to mind her children, rather than booking camps like you always did when you worked. You've already done X days in the past Y months, and it's so hard looking after six DC all by yourself, and it's not like SIL repays the favour. This just isn't how family should treat each other and you're very upset that SIL thinks it is. You thought she'd be contacting you to apologise today.

Remember - don't get defensive, you're the one who's in the right here, SIL is the one who owes you an apology.

Looking after 6 children is work and people get paid for doing it. Why would they think you’re happy to do this unpaid!?

Of course my DBIL* has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc*.

He has some nerve. This is tantamount to that old 'control your wife' narrative. They were asking you to mind their kids. Not your DH.

The misogyny in these in-laws runs strong, particularly if the wider family is likely to get on board with volunteering you for wife work and have difficulty in hearing the word 'no'. Funny how it's always women's time that's cheap.

All these are all the more reasons why you should hold your line. 'I've said no' is all that's necessary now. I understand you don't want to fall out with them but can't say that would trouble me too greatly given the above.

This is a brilliant response!!

I would not enter into a discussion regarding her options that is not your job.

Please don't feel like the bad guy, you are not.

So unnecessary

Sorry @Runn8ngOnEmpty didn't mean to quote you there!

I think you need to explain to DILS that you are very cross about use of the word “WE” when YOU are being phoned to sort out SIL’s lack of organization. It’s not your responsibility.

It's entirely your choice, personally I have never relied on people for childcare I've always paid the childminder if it needs be. I wouldn't put myself in the position of looking after other people's kids. I don't have the energy. So just say no

They are being really cheeky. It would be different if they took yours to give you a break but having that many children really changes the dynamic for your own. The odd day to give the cousins a chance to socialise is nice but 6 children to one parent will really limit you and you’re under no obligation to sort out their childcare.

If they chose to use all their leave for a month in the US earlier in the year then they needed to have planned for a summer of clubs or unpaid leave and factored in the price. Yes for 3 children it’s expensive but if they couldn’t afford it, they shouldn’t have done a month in the states. It’s not your responsibility to be their childcare.

Remember - don't get defensive, you're the one who's in the right here, SIL is the one who owes you an apology

Yes, she owes you an apology.

It seems to me that the men in your DH’s family think that when they say jump, the women say how high. Is this correct? This is alien to me, even though I am from a very alpha male dominant family. I would have no hesitation telling a man to get stuffed.

I’d be telling your DH that I’m not happy about being ganged up on and that he can call his mum and dad and tell them to stay out of it, or you will.

Also, you need to move away from them.

Nasty.

The DSIL asked me. I said no. Her DH then contacted my DH

So he thought he could get your husband to coerce you into doing the child care? I'm sure he didn't expect your husband to take the time off and do it.
Smacks of 'Have a word with her. mate!'
That would be the last time I did any child care for them.

They seem to think you’re the communal stay-at-home mum for the entire extended family. And they are not even chipping in £50!

Dear in-laws