Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

Agree with PPs who have said to respond that you are also "very upset". Fling it back at them, put them on the defensive.

They are trying it on. They also know that if you say no this time you're saying no to the current set up full stop, and so they are pushing back harder because they like having you on call for childcare. And IL's are worried they might have to step up to SIL and would rather not.

Oh FFS

All this ‘full time mum’ angst is based on guilt due to ingrained misogyny that women shouldn’t work.

I’ve worked all the way through and never dreamt of not doing tbh. No guilt just knowledge it was the right thing. I’m a ‘good provider’ 😄

How monumentally cheeky!!! And to go bitching to the rest of the family in an attempt to get her own way. She's just dug herself a bigger hole because if I were you, I wouldn't be doing any childcare for them again. Ever.

You did the right thing saying no OP.

What I think I'd be most annoyed at about this situation is that, the summer holidays aren't a surprise to anyone, we all know when it is. They've had months to sort something out, well in advance, but have made a conscious choice not to and instead have just assumed that you'd look after them. Why can't they book their kids into a holiday club like most other people do? Lots of holiday clubs give you a sibling discount too!

One of my DDs is a teacher and she has this problem every holiday . It’s now a blanket no from her as some people were taking the piss as they assumed she would help .

Don't give in Op. You're being treated like a naughty child whose being mean rather than a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Your ILs spend their time and money on holiday, that doesn't make it your job to be their free childcare.
I usually find the people who harp on about family helping each other are the ones who take all the help, not the ones who give it

YANB. You need to nip this in the bud now. After the way they have behaved - treating you as the family childcare provider - I would stop having their kids, full stop. Definitely don't respond to FIL, you DO NOT need to explain yourself to them.

They asked you if you could help and you said No. They haven’t respected this boundary and have dragged the in-laws into it to try to force you into doing it.

Id be tempted to not only stick to your guns but also to say that, given the way SIL has responded to your decline, you are no longer comfortable with her asking you to provide childcare for her children on any occasions in the future.

Obviously I know you’ll still want to see the children and can invite them to trips etc when it suits you. But no more relying on you for childcare.

Otherwise, this kind of situation will arise each time you say no - and you don’t need this kind of drama!

Yep-I had some really cheeky requests years ago when I first started teaching. I think some people (not friends) thought they were doing me a favour by suggesting I had their kids all day long as they thought I’d be bored!

Absolutely this!

You’re clearly not a full time mum if you go out to work. 🤷🏻‍♀️

IMO, you’re only a full time mum if you home school or stay at home when the children are pre-school.

Make sure they know you're not just saying no to next week, it's no, full stop.

Don’t phone him OP. And don’t phone your SIL either.

Let your DH deal with his family, not fair they are joining forces to badger you into this. I don’t think you should follow your DH’s advice about saying you have plans either because that suggests in future you’ll be available.

You said no and that was tough for you. Now they all need to accept it and work out a different solution.

Taking four weeks in April!!! They are thoughtless and selfish immature idiots 😡

Agree re childminding. SiL should put own childcare in place i.e. pay for it.
But OP is a full-time mum - being a mother is a full-time job. Women who work do the double shift, being both a full-time mother and also working OUTSIDE the home full-time as well.
Stay at home mother (SAHM) is part of the insulting language used towards women who choose only to have one job - working as a full-time mother.

Absolutely this.

I also disagree with others saying get your DH to deal with them as they're his family
YOU are having YOUR time demanded not him. In laws are texting YOU.
You are absolutely within your rights to send a blanket message to them all saying an explicit NO as they're upsetting YOU

I say no too. Your actual children come first, not hers. Your children have even commented on how they're looking forward to next week without them! Take yours to clubs/activities. Enjoy your time together as planned. Nothing bad will happen to sil. She'll stay home with her kids, and work when her husband's home to look after. They are their kids right! Keep saying no. Otherwise they'll expect it every week. It's not your job and your kids come first. Make your kids feel like they matter the most to you, and let them see what a strong person you are against manipulative bullies.

So SIL asks you for unpaid childcare, you say no more, and she gets not only her husband but also her dad to intervene to try to bully you into doing it!? That’s so shitty.

What do they normally do in the holidays?
Do your parents in law work?

What are you going to do, @Aprilmaymum

I think it is bizarre that the PILs are getting involved. Both my children and their spouses work. In the summer holidays we look after the children some of the time and they help each other out. They don’t have arguments over this but if they did, they certainly would not involve us. Ask FIL to look after the kids if he is so bothered.

Your DH’s family are bullies. They went to America for a month, so they aren’t skint are they? If they have 3 DC, and they can’t look after them themselves, they should both look at flexible working, or go p/t. You are not there to facilitate their expensive lifestyle and be their PA for their disorganised bullshit.

You are being bullied, and gaslit. They didn’t get what they wanted, so they are now recruiting other family members to harass you. I’d go ballistic. They have no consideration for your feelings, and they are really disrespectful.

Stick with your guns. But also, you need to anticipate their moves. Can you sit down and work out when they are on holiday, when they are away, and then make sure you work to an opposite timetable. So, if you know they are away, or have a club, or whatever, the first 2 weeks in Aug, make sure you go on holiday the last 2 weeks, go to your mums, etc. Do they have particular days they always need help? Then book your DC’s clubs for that, and then say you aren’t free as you have appointments already booked.

I’d actually not let your BIL’s comments lie. I’d message him myself and say,

“hi BIL, I hear you have been saying how disappointed you are that I cannot look after your DC again next week and how families should help each other out. I’d just like to remind you about the occasions, that I have lost count of, that I have looked after your 3 DC, meaning 6 DC to look after on my own. I cannot even leave the house due to the number. This has not once ever been reciprocated.

Family is very important yes. I’d like to remind you that I too am family, and right now I feel totally disrespected after all the help I’ve given you.

I’m sure you’ll agree that I have done more than my fair share of looking after your children. Moving forward, I think it is best if you find more reliable childcare and not assume that I am will be available, no questions asked”.

If someone in your DH’s family makes a personal comment about you, deal with them directly because most men will not stick up for their wives but try and appease both sides. How do you know your DH isn’t telling his DB, “ I know mate, but what can I do, she’s not budging”.

Deal with BIL and SIL directly. Why didn’t your DH say, this is too much. You need to sort your own childcare.

I think I would message them about how upset you are that you are being treated as free childcare when you are paying for childcare for your own DC so you can WORK and you don't understand how they can use annual leave and £ for a month holiday in the states and then expect other people to sort out an issue they have created.

Or BIL could look after them - just an idea.

I suspect he has one of those very important ‘man-jobs’ that don’t allow him to do anything at all to contribute though. You read about them a lot on mumsnet. In real life I wonder how women doing the same jobs cope.

Just prepare yourself with the 'don't ever ask us for any help' by reminding them how many times they've been able to get free childcare so car from you, amazing how quickly people forget their precious cheeky fuckery and so get their entitlement lcrowns firmly stuck on their heads

This is good.

A full time mum? Now I’ve heard it all. 😂

Say you will swop days with her. So if she has yours for two full days, then she has banked two full days for you to have her children.

That is so cheeky, using you as an unpaid nanny!