Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

Stick to your guns OP. You mentioned that your oldest is shy and enjoying the quiet - that is important. I recently had a similar revelation with my DS2, only much later than you (he's 12!) and so am now resolving to prioritise him and his brother more than I prioritise other people's requests. It's hard when people guilt you, but you are not wrong.

I wouldn’t go into this detail. I would just say
‘SIL is upset because I cannot look after the kids next week. I’ve done so several times but can’t for the remainder of the holidays. Maybe someone else in the family can jump in and help ? If not there are local clubs. I am sure they will find a solution ‘ End of

I would just say "sorry, while my DCs are at their club, I've got appointments and things I've organised for the day so I won't be free to look after your DCs".

You do need to lay down the law now involving other members of the family is too far. You can’t have them for the rest of the holidays. Your children have activities and plans and you can’t drive them as 6 children won’t fit in the car.

Summer holidays come around each year they’ve assumed you will be their childcare without asking and have not even tried to make plans. You have helped already and i bet they’ve never even give you money or food etc either when you have had them. I’m all for helping family but they aren’t they are taking the piss and using you because you don’t work. Shift workers get their shifts well in advance it’s no excuse either.

If the father in law is your husbands dad he can bloody well reply and explain why. I’d stay well out now.

I’d be on to my sister in law and telling her in no uncertain terms that dragging extended family into this is inappropriate. She asked, I said no that should be the end of it. My time is not policed by my husband, so getting brother in law to contact my husband was both insulting and pointless. I am capable of managing my own diary and availability and my husband is not going to dictate how I spend it so I have no idea why you both thought it was appropriate to message him.

I’d finish up with a list of clubs around and say I will not be available for childcare please do not ask again.

I just wondered what DIL stood for here?

What does your husband say about this morning’s text, @Aprilmaymum ?

This is a good one, I think. Just send this and shut it down now.

Apologies otherstories this was for the poster you were responding to, not you!

Not sure if you mean to tag someone else, I absolutely agree.

People asking for help all the time is a pain. And tbh I don’t want favours back in return, even if they did offer. If you’re a SAHM, you don’t really need people to offer to have them one random day at the weekend to pay you back, especially when there’s very little chance it’s going to be 8am-6pm like they want from you.

She should have had childcare sorted weeks ago. Its lovely if you could have them for the odd day and they can all have a day out together but of she wants more than that she needs to be honest about it not drop it on you at the kids minute.

The amount of nitpicking by some on this thread is ridiculous.

You don't get to decide how other people describe themselves. You make yourselves look overly precious and rather foolish.

Stick to your guns, OP.

This is so incredibly and unnecessarily nasty. In a way I hope your poor family aren’t subjected to your venom and it’s just strangers on the internet.

She is only desperate cos she hasn't planned and/or can't stomach the cost of paid for childcare.
When mine were young, I booked and paid for playschemes the moment they were released.
Yanbu

That's so cheeky, I wouldn't do it either, they need to organise their own reliable childcare. Were they really just expecting you to drop everything to look after there kids next week 🤔

Wow so they are trying to bully you into it?! Stand firm OP. It’s absolutely outrageous. Cheeky SIL getting everyone else involved. I am mad on your behalf.

I would reply to FIL with a non emotional but factual - I know why SIL is unhappy. She’s asked me to have the kids again next week and I’ve said no. I’ve already helped her out and I can’t do any more for the rest of the holidays. Hopefully someone else can help or she can get them into a holiday club.

So, they could afford a month-long trip to America but now can't pay for childcare?

Well done for standing up to them OP. I suggest you get your husband to tell the rest of his family to butt out and ignore any more messages to you, they're his relatives.

ONG @iamtheblcksheep what is wrong with you? That’s awful. You have issues.

Well SIL has dragged FIL into it & he has let himself be!

I'd be tempted to reply that you have no idea why she is upset & he will have to talk to her about it.

YANBU. Think you're better to take the pain of this argument now rather than continue to have it every year. Stay strong. Your SIL and BIL should have sorted childcare, this is on them. Your PIL can help if she's stuck.

Reply and say 'I'm upset. I have helped them out loads with childcare. I can't do it this time, I am busy and have arranged alternative childcare for my own DC and since I said no have been subject to emotional blackmail from all angles. Tbh it makes me feel like never offering to help again.

YANBU at all. I gave up work this summer. As soon as SIL found out she asked me if I could look after her two children four days a week.
Er no. I gave up work to look after my own children, and support my youngest with his additional needs. Not to look after two children who have more energy than any child I have ever met.
I absolutely don't mind doing the odd day but even that depends on DS and how he is that day and I wouldn't expect two younger children to understand that things can change very quickly and planning is a military operation.
Don't worry about people on here giving you a hard time about saying you are a full time mum as they knew you meant SAHM.

Jeez

What are these people on? Why do they think that you should be a permanent childcare solution and it’s okay to gang up on you in this way?

I would not respond and get DH to deal with it.

Or I would respond with ‘I’m also now upset about how the family has come together to side against me. I want to be left alone and am not willing to discuss it further’

“I can’t do any more childcare but if you feel concerned, then why don’t you look after the children. After all, they are your grandchildren.”

”SIL, why are you and the rest of the family harassing me to look after YOUR children? I am unable to care for them and they are your responsibility after all. Stop texting and calling and complaining to everyone else that I am not stepping up to take on your responsibilities.”

No doubt these two messages/conversations would create a massive fall out but, frankly, no one else is giving you any consideration so they need to be told one last time. Let the fall out happen, sounds like they need you more than you need them anyway.

They’re probably moaning away to your ILs about how unfair it all is. Your iLs need to understand that responsible non freeloaders organise their holiday childcare in advance. We had this issue with our step family- complaining about the cost of childcare/length of time in childcare and I had to point out to my dad that the majority of mums work and pay for childcare. My parents has listened to so much complaining they got sucked into the hard luck tale. I had to point out that I had worked full time and used childcare when my kids were little and my dad was like “oh”, penny dropped.