Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

DH needs to make this call not you

This part time / full time debate is annoying. Do your children go to school @Aprilmaymum , assume so as they’re in summer camp, however if so your ‘full time mum’ descriptor falls away as the school is in loco parentis term time. Does this help anyone on here?

You reply to FIL and say “the reason she’s upset is that after having already provided her with a lot of free childcare, I can’t do it anymore and I’ve said no. Maybe you and MIL are happy to help them with childcare though”. Put the ball in his court, make PIL see that if they’re not willing to provide childcare, why should you.

WTAF your father in law has got dragged in too?
I'd be inclined to text you have no idea what he talking about
Don't cave in though, you have some you time when your kids are in holiday club, your SIL/BIL have screwed up, not you, you're not the skivvy who sorts out their holiday / financial issues

"DFIL, I believe DSIL is upset because despite being aware that the summer holidays have come round, as they do every year, they made no plans for childcare, knowingly using their annual leave to go to America for a month. I have already helped them out but for several reasons that I'm not willing to debate, I will be continuing my summer plans with my kids as planned. After all, we took the decision as a family for me to take the pay cut, precisely so I can spend this quality time with my kids. Maybe you and MIL could help out?"

If FIL doesn't know why she's upset, is he likely to understand or take her side? I'd let DH call him. Tell him that she's upset because she asked you to care for her children but you aren't available, so aren't able to do so. If he pushes back, suggest he do the childcare. End of conversation.

Stick to your guns @Aprilmaymum your ILs are cheeky fuckers of the highest order

Absolutely stand your ground. Just because you don’t work it doesn’t mean you should be automatic childcare. 6 kids is also a lot

i struggle with childcare in the holidays, my sister doesn’t work the holidays but there’s no way I’d expect her to have mine!

Please stick to your guns and say no. They are both working full time and reaping the financial rewards for that and then not spending money on childcare because they think it can be covered by you.

I think you should lay it on the line for FIL and day you pay for your own childcare. You have recommended childcare to them for the summer and they did nothing. They cannot now claim it's urgent last minute because they failed to plan. That you as a family took the decision for you not to work so this wouldn't be an issue for your family but they haven't considered it. If they are so worried about SIL being upset then they can step in and help.

My sister was similar. We had a child each around the same time and I suggested we try to help each other with childcare when we both went back to work. I had 2 by then and she had 1. She declined. Fair enough she didn't want my 2 for her 1. That was until I started working from home and didn't need to pay for childcare at all as I could flexitime it all. Then she was interested in me having her DC. At this point I declined.

I am very close to my DIL but feel if I call them I am dragging them into the whole thing that really has nothing to do with them at all. I think it will turn into a bigger thing. DH and I have said the best thing to do is to contact DSIL and say you asked and I said no as I am busy. I would appreciate it if u don’t drag anyone else into it. I have said no and it is not up for debate then give her details of clubs around though I doubt she will get places. Something along those lines.
what a mess beginning to wish I had carried on working now.

If the in-laws are really so concerned they'll take care of them

This

Oh Get a grip ffs 🙄

100% the right thing to do. I'm so mad on your behalf and glad your DH is sticking with you on this.

Ooofff. YANBU. And this last minute asking is incredibly rude. Most people plan their summer holidays with children (be that leave, holiday camps, arranging help from family/ friends) weeks if not months before the schools break up.

it was DFIL. A text to say call me when you have a min your DSIL is really upset and we need to try and sort this. He said he had no idea why just that I have really upset her.

Is this likely? Your SIL has phoned/text her dad/FIL to say, ‘X has really upset me’ and he hasn’t replied saying, ‘why, what’s happened?’

I can’t imagine a conversation where someone says, ‘I want X to do childcare for me for 2/3 days a week all summer and she should do it free because she doesn’t work’ and other people agreeing with them! Paid childcare is there for a reason!

I would step back from this completely. Get your husband to liaise with his whinging needy family completely if it’s concerning a request they have for you to make their life easier!

Who is looking after their 3 kids the rest of the week? What happened in May half term? Last summer?

I read this thread last night and was raging for you. I was even more pissed off with your BIL texting your DH. The bloody cheek. But equally your DH should have been much firmer in his response and told BIL not to text him when you'd already said no.

I never do childcare for anyone. I took the financial hit to be around for my children not other peoples. "Families help each other" normally the line used by cheeky fuckers who do nothing for anyone else and are completely entitled.

Honestly OP I'm raging on your behalf!

Although, I wouldn't say you are busy, It implies that if you're not doing anything in particular that day, that you are available.

Oh get over it. She apologised.

Who is DIL?

I’m presuming its not Daughter in law?

Ha, FIL is coming to the realisation that he may actually be called in to do some childcare if he doesn't lay down some heavy emotional blackmail now.... nice try, mate.

Your son has said he wants the house to himself. Just keep him in mind when you tell them nope, sorry, that doesn't work for you.

I have had this issue so much with family and I am now much clearer about my boundaries.

This is not your problem to solve.

Even if you had no kids of your own, and you wanted to sit on your bum for the summer eating pot noodles and watching Netflix, that's your time and no one else is entitled to it. They need to organise better next time. It's upsetting because they have been dicks and tried to make that your issue.

@Aprilmaymum I'm sorry you're getting so much flack from posters who object to your throw away "full time mum" comment. I knew exactly what you meant.
Stick to your guns and say no to the in laws. Their problem to sort out childcare and they've taken advantage of your good nature and made assumptions.

God what drama! Is 3rd cousin twice removed going to be having a go at you next?!

Just text FIL and say 'I have told SIL I am not babysitting the children that she gave birth to and is responsible for. If the rest of you all want to argue like children about it and fall out with me then go ahead but my answer is still no' Send the exact same text to any family member who contacts you about this. Don't bother trying to rationalise this because they obviously aren't capable of that level of thought.

Don't get sucked into a drama triangle with a ridiculous, childish family who are trying to scapegoat everything on you. I've been there and trust me you'll never earn their love or respect. You're best having as little to do with them as you can get away with.

Absolutely this, why are all these people getting butthurt about a term of phrase. I work full time and don't feel offended by it. Ridiculous.

My in-laws.