Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

I would be printing out a copy of the next year of school holidays and bank holiday dates and laminating it for them to put in their fridge so that they can consult that when planning their work schedules and “be more proactive” when organizing their childcare in the future because you will not be available.

People who don't work outside the home don't stay at home all the time either. If she likes the term full time mother it isn't up to you to police her language.

This would bug me the most. You are absolutely right to say no in the first place, but the BIL messaging my husband would infuriate me. You've already said no. Is the purpose to get your husband to tell you you have to do it? To get your husband to side with him over you? That your answer didn't matter? That alone honestly make me not want to look after their kids ever again.

Your MIL BIL and SIL are CF trying it out.

Good for you for setting up your boundaries. I would not want to look after extra children when I have other plans.

It is not your responsibility to provide childcare for them, it is their’s to find an alternative solution for THEIR children.

As for your MIL comments for the extra time, she can look after them herself as grandma is so bored with the time she has on her hands 😑

No one minds helping in an emergency, or when plans fall through. But it seems that Sil had nothing in place for childcare for the summer holidays.

For the six week summer, we would take a weeks holiday each, a week family holiday together away, and then holiday and football clubs. It would be planned in advanced, not ‘oops, the summer holidays are here, I’ve got no one to look after Little Johnny next week’.

This

Stick to your guns.

Saying NO gets easier with practice.

And if THE MEN start talking about you looking after SIL's kids again, give them both a rocket about their male entitlement in daring to discuss volunteering YOUR time.

Notice once again it's never the men stepping up to look after the kids in the holidays.

To answer a few questions. No I do not owe them favours or money and they have never once looked after my DC. I have never asked though to be fair. I wasn’t surprised to wake up to a message from my I
DIL. I was surprised though that it was DFIL. A text to say call me when you have a min your DSIL is really upset and we need to try and sort this. He said he had no idea why just that I have really upset her.
I knew this would happen and the fact I would be the bad guy.

The OP's husband has her back. She's said so.

Your husband needs to point out that you helped out last week, you have plans which can't be changed, and if they have planned their holiday childcare arrangements on the assumption you would be available on demand they should have asked first.

Just respond to FIL saying you know why SIL is upset. She and BIL have yet again failed to organise childcare and are upset because you and DH are unavailable to help.

Say you would rather not have him dragged into it.

Stand firm. They need to get the bloody message and get organised.

There's your perfect answer. Tell her you are just as busy as she is, if she can't help then nor can you.

Well some families do help each other.

I wouldn't think that regular childcare comes into that.

MIL is too busy & that's accepted but Op isn't deemed to be?

Who else in the family can they ask I wonder?

Op/MIL can't be the only options can they?

And maybe SIL also has family?

@Aprilmaymum do you think there’s a chance she may turn up with them anyway on the days she’s asked making it more difficult to say no? Have a plan in place in case this occurs so she doesn’t catch you off guard

Your father in law got involved too?

Jeez

stand firm, @Aprilmaymum , though it’s difficult when everyone is getting involved!!

Agree - they have a bloody cheek moaning to all and sundry and dragging the rest of the family into this. If your SIL & BIL had only put half as much effort into booking a holiday club, eh?

My guess is that they don't want to pay for childcare - paying for childcare would mean not taking a month off to go on long holidays. That they know if they ask you in advance you'll say no, so they're leaving it to the last minute and hoping that tantrums and emotional blackmail will do the trick.

it's easy for them to "sort it out", they can babysit.
Problem solved.

If not, they are the bad guy, not you!

The OP can call herself whatever she likes. We all know what she meant and she was not saying it to put down or to be offensive to working mums. You should not be trying to police how other people refer to themselves.

I think it would be fine to lay down some ground rules now. Tell your relatives that you have your hands full with your own family responsibilities, but can help out if their childminder was unwell for example. They should absolutely make their own childcare arrangements in advance and expect to pay for it. They are being very cheeky indeed.

I wouldn't bother calling fil back or justifying further. Block them all and enjoy your break.
If the in-laws are really so concerned they'll take care of them

@MillyMollyMandHey did you not read the part where the op said they have never had their children or offered?? Unbelievable. Also the op is busy with 3 kids and has arranged their camps etc for never week so maybe she can get a bit of a breather. That’s a good thing for mums to do and if you have the best interests of people the op should be encouraged to stand up for herself. Nothing stopping her bil to offer to have her kids some weekend!

Your latest update makes me so angry on your behalf! I can't believe there are people like this who think the world owes them. They couldn't be bothered to get organised and somehow you have to sort it out for them? Unbelievable.

If they come out again with the "Families help each other" nonsense then ask when they last helped you out. Or say right, my children will be round at yours every day next week.

Have you told your DH? What a bloody cheek.

Ask DH to ring his dad and tell them all to leave you alone! Does FIL work? Does MIL?

Is SIL your husband’s sister? Or is BIL his brother?