To think she's gearing up to cancel?

[SunflowerMabel]

Last year the mum of my DC's friend kindly offered for her to join them on a mini break they had planned this year. I paid for her share of the accommodation and food (around £300)

Getting together has been a bit more tricky since they started (different) schools but we generally met up once a month or so.

So, they are due to go on on this mini break on Monday and I haven't heard back from mum. I text last weekend suggesting we meet up for lunch/an activity and asked for confirmation RE what time they'd be leaving to get to the destination etc and I haven't heard anything back at all.

She has been active on social media. I don't want to pester her but I'm getting a bit concerned that there's a cancellation coming. Surely there would be some contact by now if it was going ahead?

AIBU/WWYD?

That's right yes.

The initial invitation was for me and DD to both go. At the time I was waiting for a date for an operation and very reluctant to commit to anything so far in advance.

I did express that to her and that's when she suggested she take DD. It was framed as being beneficial for the pair of them as her DD would love my DD to go, they'll be able to keep one another occupied etc and assured me she'd love to take her, less pressure on her to keep her DD entertained etc.

I was reluctant but decided to say yes as I thought it would be nice for her to get to do something that's just for her, I'm conscious of the fact she does miss out compared to her peers who don't have disability in the family.

That said, I did have reservations and I think part of me didn't think it would end up going ahead so what's the harm in agreeing, we'll see how things go.

Typical ADHD'er, kicked the can down the road and thought ill worry about it later. Its ages away.

But then it was sprang on me one day that it needed to be booked now as she was already at butlins on their own hols, as you get a discount I'd you book when there.

So on the spot I agreed and said OK go ahead.

Of course then I was locked into having to pay our share, rightfully, and didn't want to back out and risk their holiday not going ahead. I didn't know whether she was relying on my portion of the money to be able to afford it.

That brings us to now and whilst I did still have a bit of anxiety about it I had made peace with it and thought actually it'll be nice for her to go, "Jane" is very trustworthy etc. Her dad has always been on board with it and shared the sentiment that it'll be good for her.

But now... crickets!

Is she local? Can you pop round?
I would try withholding my number and then calling her…. Just in case she’s not answering as she recognises your number.
I would ask calmly if there is a problem and if there is then you need an immediate refund.
It does sound a bit suspicious to me…

So u say I'm lying and it doesn't happen?

"Just pick the goddamn phone up like an adult and communicate.

Actually thinking about it, 15 years ago I worked as a manager and had quite a few 16/17yr olds working for me. When they phoned in sick, they got their Mums to ring. Erm, excuse me, you don't work for me, your 16 yr old does, put them on the phone. I starting to realise these 16/17 yr olds are now all grown ass women incapable of communicating properly!"

Someone who writes "pick up the goddamn phone" and "grown ass women" accusing others of not being able to communicate properly.

Fucking hilarious 🤣 "grown ass women" sounds like a shit TikTok reel

Honestly. If they're happy to have her go with them and she's happy to go, let her go.

Just because somebody is coping with a lot (a special needs child) it doesn't mean they're not coping.

I just read your other thread. You sounded uncomfortable with her going at the time, so at this point I would cancel it myself and write off the money if it's not possible to get it back. And you need to be firm with people and not be talked into doing things you don't want to do, especially when it concerns your child. This could have all been closed down at the time without you feeling you had to fork out for something you couldn't afford and didn't really want.

Truthfully oP that’s really, really little to be sending her away. If they aren’t super close, I’d personally be relieved if it peters out and doesn’t go ahead.

For the love of absolute fuck, make sure you get your money back. I suspect what she said it would cost you will have covered a large chunk of the bill.

OP, many people are extremely protective of their children, which in my opinion has the potential to make it harder for those children to develop skills of independent living (both practical and emotional) as they get older. Others allow their children more freedom and opportunities, which to my mind is healthier.

You know your daughter and know if she is likely to get upset being away from you, or likely to enjoy the opportunity to have fun with her friend and the excitement of a holiday.

If the latter, that's a credit to you and your partner, and the fact that you are raising a confident, secure little girl.

Don't let people on here make you doubt yourself. They just have a different approach. It doesn't make yours wrong.

I would definitely message and say to the mom that you need to know ASAP about the arrangements for dropping DD off on the trip. Say you are needing to make arrangements for that day for your other kids, so you just need to know timings. Obviously you can phrase it very politely - stress that you are grateful she is offering your DD this opportunity, etc etc. But something that conveys a sense of urgency.

She sounds like a nice woman, so I am sure she will respond as soon as she can, either by call or message, if you stress that you need to know. And it's only a couple of days away and she knows you have other kids and other commitments, so it's not unreasonable to say you need to know.

Good luck! I know what it's like - I can get myself into a pickle with things like this too, over thinking how the other person might react to what I say.

But you are being utterly reasonable in needing to know. And as long as you phrase it politely, it is always fine in my experience.

“Erm, excuse me”

Excuuuuuuuse me, get that grown ass woman on the goddamn phone 🤣🤣

Hope you manage to get sorted op.

Am I missing something, the trip is for Mon and you haven't heard any arrangements? I'd say obviously they aren't taking your dc and at this stage the only thing left is to get a refund. Send your bank details and ask for it to be refunded today.

OP I’d feel the same as you about calling. I honestly hate talking on the phone and I’m so glad it’s not really a thing any more (except for work etc) I’m a millennial, and my mum always hated talking on the phone too. I remember seeing her visibly shudder when she was told so and so was on the phone for her, then take a deep breath, square her shoulders before putting on this bright phone voice. 😂 I’m her daughter I guess!

I have a 6 year old and 4 year old and I’d personally worry about them going away with another family at these ages. I am an anxious person and think of every scenario and therefore don’t trust many people to look after them. But every child is different and I’m sure some 5 year olds would be fine in this situation.

Don’t beat yourself up about this op.

I can see why you agreed at the time, but things can seem different when the time actually comes. I think it has for you, and it probably is for them too.

What do you really feel about it? And how would the other mum’s reaction change that? Would you feel better if she says “ we are all so looking forward to it, of course I thought it was still happening?” Or would you prefer to unravel it regardless? I think you should think a few of these possibilities through before you speak as you may need to respond quite fast at this point.

Its fine to change your mind - and I can understand why the other mum might have too. With dc it’s about getting it right for them. Maybe this other little girl is now saying: “ I want ( new friend) instead.” That would be awkward for the mum but equally you don’t want dd going as a second choice.

Well, at least you're honest about it.

I'm going to bet that your DC won't be on that trip and you won't be seeing your money again either.

Thank you all for your takes on it. You've given me a lot to think about.

Maybe this other little girl is now saying: “ I want ( new friend) instead.” That would be awkward for the mum but equally you don’t want dd going as a second choice.

This is what my gut is telling me will be the case if she does want to cancel. I don't think for a second it would be a case of her just not wanting to take DD herself, she's fond of DD and was always keen to meet up and invite her places.

I know how it is for little girls when they first start school as I've seen it with my own DD. They meet so many new nice and interesting people and their favourite friends change from week to week. My DD's 'best friend' now is somebody completely different to who it was if you'd have asked her a few months ago. There would be no hard feelings on my part if that were the case, they're only little and the bulk of their friendship was from nursery age so it's natural to grow apart somewhat.

This might all be completely pointless speculating but that's where my mind goes to when I think of reasons she is putting off getting in touch, likely because she feels awkward AF having the conversation and doesn't want to upset us.

I think people are being overdramatic about you agreeing for your DD to go away.

She had multiple sleepovers with them and you know your DD best.

Are you really saying the OP shouldn’t be a parent?

I just wanted to agree and say don’t be swayed by mumsnet. You know your child and their relationship with this other family.

A bit older than yours, but I took my DD’s friend away with us at the age of 7. I was a teacher, didn’t see it as extra work, but it made the holiday for my daughter so much more fun. I’m not sure mine would have wanted to go away without me at the age of 5, but if you sort out the communication issues, and you are both happy, go for it.

Also don’t worry about defending yourself about shipping her off - that’s clearly not what you are doing and it says more about another poster accusing you of this than it does you. It is NOT poor parenting.