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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to give brother for honeymoon?

131 replies

Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 21:01

My youngest brother (29) puts very little effort in with our family. He has quite a needy, overbearing girlfriend who often dictates his schedule, and they spend a lot of time with her very close family who live near them. I haven't seen him since a family funeral in 2020 and we haven't spoken for at least 18 months - he rarely replies to my messages and never reaches out to me, so I just stopped. It's a shame, but just accepted he's happy living his own life, he doesn't owe me contact. He sporadically messages our other brother and dad back about football stuff, and speaks to our mum from time to time.

He's getting married in March, I've just received an email invite and link to the wedding website which is asking for donations for their honeymoon. They want to go to Japan in April for the cherry blossoms. What's a reasonable amount to contribute? He's my brother, but we have basically no relationship so not sure what to do. Aibu to only contribute about £50?

OP posts:
Abigaillovesholidays · 02/08/2024 21:07

Are you planning on going to the wedding?

Lemonnhoney · 02/08/2024 21:08

I'd give him less than 50!

Werweisswohin · 02/08/2024 21:09

Are you going to the wedding?
If so then £50 is fine. If not then do you have to give anything?

PassingStranger · 02/08/2024 21:10

I wouldn't and if he asks tell him why?

Gettoachiro · 02/08/2024 21:12

I'd not want to give anything but certainly no more than £50. That's more than enough.

YellowphantGrey · 02/08/2024 21:13

I wouldn't give anything.

Are you going to the wedding?

Original poster
Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 21:23

Yes, I'm going to go to the wedding with my partner, the rest of my family will be going. For context, he's the first of us siblings to get married so there's no wedding gift precedent or anything.

OP posts:
Luminousalumnus · 02/08/2024 21:28

Really if I attended my brother's wedding I couldn't give only £50!
If you are estranged turn down the invitation, but if you are going to attend surely it has to be at least £100

Lamelie · 02/08/2024 21:30

I’d give at least £100 to cover my plate.

Bigcat25 · 02/08/2024 21:55

I would give more if you can afford it, the point is not so much how close you are, but bc you're going to the wedding and there's two of you.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 02/08/2024 22:01

I voted that UABU, but only because you're actually considering contributing to his honeymoon. I think he's got a bloody nerve to ask for contributions from people that he hasn't bothered with for months on end, and especially a family member. Will you even go to the wedding OP? Personally, I wouldn't bother.

ZebraD · 02/08/2024 22:03

If you are going I think £100. He is your brother no matter what. Be happy for him and help him celebrate a lovely day, or else why are you going?!

Saltedbutter · 02/08/2024 22:06

£100/£150 to at least trying and cover my portion of attending the day.

crockofshite · 02/08/2024 22:07

I'd say £100 if 2 of you are going to the wedding.

But do you really want to go?

You'll probably never hear from him again even if you do attend.

Hawkerslife · 02/08/2024 22:10

Why does the value of your gift need to be based on how frequently you have contact with him?

If you're asking if you can get away with only gifting him £50 because you don't have much contact with him then I'd question why you'd even bother going.

If you want to go, gift him something to cover your meals. If you don't want to go because you don't have a relationship with him then don't go.

suburberphobe · 02/08/2024 22:14

His choice to go to Japan.

Doesn't mean you have to pay for it.

I wouldn't even be going to the wedding frankly. So much expense.....

Just chill out at home.

78Summer · 02/08/2024 22:15

He is your brother. Give what you can afford.

TheSmallAssassin · 02/08/2024 22:20

You don't have to "cover your plate", people invite guests to celebrate their occasion with them, it's not a financial transaction. If you can't afford to pay for people to come, invite fewer people, or have a cheaper wedding.

Spirallingdownwards · 02/08/2024 22:24

TheSmallAssassin · 02/08/2024 22:20

You don't have to "cover your plate", people invite guests to celebrate their occasion with them, it's not a financial transaction. If you can't afford to pay for people to come, invite fewer people, or have a cheaper wedding.

That's a very American thing where your gift value is supposed to cover their plate. Not a UK thing at all.

Original poster
Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 23:43

My partner has suggested we don't go, and just say we've already booked a holiday that clashes. Otherwise it could look like I'm annoyed with him or something? Which I'm really not that bothered, I think I'm over him being indifferent to everyone else, selfish and lazy lol. Also I think my mum would be very sad if we're not all there together as a family. I suspect she might ask if I could change the dates of my fictional holiday. Could get complicated. Tough call.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 23:45

And also, even if I don't go to the wedding I think there will still be an expectation to donate to his honeymoon. It's sort of suggested on the website that they want contributions ahead of the wedding so they can book the trip for April..!

OP posts:
JMSA · 02/08/2024 23:46

I gave my brother £200.

He doesn't make a huge effort with the family either, but he's still my wee brother and I actually like him Confused

JMSA · 02/08/2024 23:47

suburberphobe · 02/08/2024 22:14

His choice to go to Japan.

Doesn't mean you have to pay for it.

I wouldn't even be going to the wedding frankly. So much expense.....

Just chill out at home.

Good God almighty.

Original poster
Dragonfruity · 02/08/2024 23:48

crockofshite · 02/08/2024 22:07

I'd say £100 if 2 of you are going to the wedding.

But do you really want to go?

You'll probably never hear from him again even if you do attend.

Well yeah this is the thing. Won't be acknowledged or appreciated and he won't see/speak to me again for years. I'm actually wondering about just not engaging or going to the wedding now.

OP posts:
pinkducky · 02/08/2024 23:57

I got married recently and asked for money towards our honeymoon too (as we already own a house together and don't need more stuff!). Most couples gave £100. Some gave more, a few gave less. £50 was the least we received, but we did get that from a few people.

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