How much to give brother for honeymoon?

[Dragonfruity]

My youngest brother (29) puts very little effort in with our family. He has quite a needy, overbearing girlfriend who often dictates his schedule, and they spend a lot of time with her very close family who live near them. I haven't seen him since a family funeral in 2020 and we haven't spoken for at least 18 months - he rarely replies to my messages and never reaches out to me, so I just stopped. It's a shame, but just accepted he's happy living his own life, he doesn't owe me contact. He sporadically messages our other brother and dad back about football stuff, and speaks to our mum from time to time.

He's getting married in March, I've just received an email invite and link to the wedding website which is asking for donations for their honeymoon. They want to go to Japan in April for the cherry blossoms. What's a reasonable amount to contribute? He's my brother, but we have basically no relationship so not sure what to do. Aibu to only contribute about £50?

@FranceIsWhereItsAt
Do you not give wedding gifts when you attend? When asked for cash do you buy something anyway?
OP people are entitled to live their lives. It sounds a case of you having nothing in common and him valuing his time. You see his GF as needy, they might both want that type of relationship and be perfectly happy. It's a good excuse for a family get together. You give at least £100, he is your brother, even if he doesn't live in your pocket. You might find things shift as they move into their 30's. I know that it did for my eldest and her DP. What foes 'not rngaging' mean? You've got to either accept or decline the invite.

Sometimes in their 20s people focus on relationships / friends / travel but when they settle down their focus can return to family. I know l appreciate my own family more now than in my 20s. My ds is 29 and his focus is on all the above. Absolutely do go! You can never undo not going. Look forward to catching up with family and having a day out. Wish them the best and give him at least 100..in lreland it would be more even to a neighbours wedding.

Don't overspend on fancy outfits . Go even for your mom's sake. She doesn't deserve to be drawn into drama between her dc.

He wouldn't squirm. She'd just get a lot of side eye "you weirdo" looks.

He’s your brother. You are not close but no falling out. He has invited you and your partner to the full wedding. Most people would be on mumsnet bleating if they hadn’t been invited.

I think you should go to the wedding for a start. It will cause offence if you don’t go without a very good reason (a weekend away would’t cut it) and likely completely sour your relationship for good. Your mum will be disappointed that all her children aren’t there too.

As for a present - I do think it is horrid to ask for “donations” to a honeymoon, but it’s pretty commonly accepted now. Realistically most couples have set up house and don’t want a load of crystal glasses, so it makes sense for guests to gift cash or even gift cards so they can choose something they value or is needed.

I think as a couple going to a wedding the minimum gift is £100. I sometimes get currency if I know they are going on honeymoon, you could choose that option to make it feel less transactional and more gift-like. Anything less I feel is stingy, especially for a sibling. I would still gift something even if I couldn’t attend.

You need to ask yourself if there is a particular reason you don’t want to go or is it just because you are offended at the cash donation suggestion? Also, how much would you normally spend on a wedding gift when you were attending the full thing, compared against what you’d do if invited but unable to attend a wedding.

I think it’s a mistake to fabricate an excuse - it will just cause grief you can’t undo.

And just to add, the way you talk about his fiance as being needy and controlling probably doesn't help. Do you think they're both aware you might think this?

Me and my oh are distant from my sil but not because I'm needy and controlling but because we get the impression she doesn't like me very much.

It's always the 'outsider' that gets the blame for poor family dynamics when actually the reason lies closer to home.

I would do as pp's said and go have a good time with the rest of your family. There's no bitterness at the moment but there might be if you don't go or don't give a gift. If it's not difficult to do so I would give £100 as they couldn't complain about that to anyone.

Now I would donate to the Japan find on condition that I didn't have to sit through the picture torture!

Even framing this as “donations” is odd. This is a wedding gift. Instead of registering for toasters and towels, they have suggested gifts go towards the honeymoon fund. That doesn’t mean you are obligated to follow the request. You could still buy them a toaster if you really prefer.

the amount you give your sibling, should be based on what you can afford. I would at least give them what you would give a friend. Perhaps not your best friend, but a friend, not a Just a coworker.

not attending a sibling’s wedding can cause family rifts that last a lifetime. Unless attending is going to cause you actual hardship, then show up, play your role as dutiful sibling, and use it as an opportunity to visit with whatever people attending you do actually like.

I think you should go to keep the peace. I’m sure they’ll be a baby soon and you don’t want to burn bridges.

Babies often bring families together.

yeah i don’t get this either. You’ve been invited. Gift what you feel you aren’t close £50 is fine in my eyes.

This really articulates what I was thinking. If you can afford it and it's not a case where he's done some terrible thing to cause a big fall out, why burn your bridges?

Why would you do that. It’s nasty!

Definitely go to the wedding.
Tell him you're upset due to lack of contact.
£50 is fine.

I think if you go you give £100

If you don't give nothing or a small token amount

I'd give a minimum of £100 as he is your brother and if you don't go it may burn bridges he has invited you so be the bigger person as who knows what the future may bring

Give them an actual gift. A cherry blossom tree? A book about Japan. Something that shows you care. But not ££.

£50 is absolutely enough. If you don't speak then you've only been invited out of family obligation. I think you should go, so as not to upset your wider family relationship but don't feel pressured to stay in expensive hotels instead of leaving a bit early if you're uncomfortable. And ignore people who talk about covering the cost of your plate. Imagine if you only had people come to your wedding who could afford to 'pay' for their plate. A wedding should be a celebration of love, not a transaction between the wealthy.

This is you and your partner attend it will cost your brother over £100 and if you take DC more. I'd gift £100 if you and DH attend but an extra £50 if you take DC too.

I think £100 if you go as a couple. £50 if you go alone. Honestly I’d just go have a nice time catching up with other family. Pay my £100 and move on. If you don’t go it will be a thing that will be talked about for years.

I'd go to the wedding for your mum if nothing else. Hopefully she'll get a nice photo of you all together and I'm sure that will mean alot to her and it'll be nice to see the rest of the family I'm sure.

If two of you are going to the wedding I'd probably pay £100 if you can afford it.

What have you done to keep the relationship going, because it doesn't read as if he's done anything as bad as not come to a wedding, you'll need to own your part in the relationship breakdown and family tension if you do this.

I'd also think carefully about your attitude to his partner. You might think she's "dictating his schedule," but it's just as likely he doesn't suggest anything and is lazy. She could just come from a family that like each other and actually make an effort to see each other.

I’d up to the wedding to avoid a big family upset.

I think £50 is more than generous in the circumstances.

i actually agree with @Mykingdom2024 that wedding gifts/money are outdated now. It was different when people were setting up home. I think it’s really cheeky to ask for money for a holiday. But in this case I’d just do what you suggest.

And this idea that you should be paying for attendance by “covering your plate” is just bizarre.

My gift tends to cover the cost of my plate so this would be around £75 per person depending where it was held. For a sibling it would be more.

Depends on how much it's costing you to go too - travel, hotel especially if you are expected to stay at an expensive venue, etc I factor in. £50 is fine but equally £100 would be good too plus depends on your circumstances relative to his.