How much to give brother for honeymoon?

[Dragonfruity]

My youngest brother (29) puts very little effort in with our family. He has quite a needy, overbearing girlfriend who often dictates his schedule, and they spend a lot of time with her very close family who live near them. I haven't seen him since a family funeral in 2020 and we haven't spoken for at least 18 months - he rarely replies to my messages and never reaches out to me, so I just stopped. It's a shame, but just accepted he's happy living his own life, he doesn't owe me contact. He sporadically messages our other brother and dad back about football stuff, and speaks to our mum from time to time.

He's getting married in March, I've just received an email invite and link to the wedding website which is asking for donations for their honeymoon. They want to go to Japan in April for the cherry blossoms. What's a reasonable amount to contribute? He's my brother, but we have basically no relationship so not sure what to do. Aibu to only contribute about £50?

£50 is fine.

Why would anyone do this? If I heard that at a wedding I would think the guest was a right twat and would understand the lack of contact the groom had with his family.

Not acceptable to deliberately humiliate someone especially on their wedding day.

I would go, especially if it would upset your mum if you didn't.

How much will it cost to go to the wedding? And what is your budget for it? Depends what £50 is worth in terms of your living costs and take home pay. There's a big difference in someone on NMW vs someone on £100k!

I budget £100 per wedding but if it costs a lot to get there then that's less for the present. The one where it was at a conference centre in the middle of nowhere requiring an expensive taxi from the nearest station didn't get a present at all!

Depends on your finances but I'd suggest £150 . I'd go and I'd set out to enjoy myself. You will see family there.

£50 from both of you is mean unless you are particularly hard up then it's ok!

I’d go for the sake of your mum and in the hope that this might build some bridges.
£50 is fine, £100 if you can stretch to it. Definitely no more!

Why? Seriously, to what end?

Op, your feelings are your own, but honestly,
I think you are being a tad harsh.

What young men in their twenties are very devoted to their families in general and their sisters in particular?

And loads of people didn’t see or speak to family as much during the pandemic and are only catching up in the last year or so.

I have a nephew that age and I know I am an aunt rather than a sibling, but I would be a bit worried if I heard from him constantly! The odd WhatsApp is fine!

I get that it’s hurtful when your messages don’t receive a response but your twenties are the time when you are out and about and being a bit selfish; focusing on friends, travel, establishing a career and finding a partner.

He’s your brother! Go and celebrate his wedding and don’t make it all about you and your grudging feelings. Fine if it turns out that you are not close and you don’t like his future wife, but give them a chance at the start fhs!

If her family live nearby then they are obviously going to spend more time with them. You sound a tad jealous or resentful about your brother establishing his own life. And I understand that is an adjustment as a sister. Or is this attitude coming from your parents?

Try and dig down in your own mind as to where these feelings are coming from, and what exactly has he done wrong?

To my mind, the job of family, is to rally round and support young couples as they start out in life. Irrespective of personalities and little niggles. See the bigger picture! I’m
sure that your brother will really appreciate your support on his big day.

As soon as he and his new wife have dc, their focus will inevitably turn to family and your relationship might evolve.

I think the minimum for a sibling’s wedding present would be £200 and I hope your sil to be is not on Mumsnet as you have been very specific about details. Good luck.

£0

I don't understand why people want others to fund a holiday for them.

It’s really not. Regardless of the relationship ops brother will be spending money to host her.
I got married nearly 30 years ago. Lots of the guests were students, some had traveled to get there, some just gave a card- all lovely it was their presence not presents we wanted. If you’re solvent a wedding gift should be expenses +

That probably wouldn't make him squirm, it'd just make the OP look really passive aggressive. It'd make the OP look like the bad guy.

"Give them an actual gift. A cherry blossom tree? A book about Japan. Something that shows you care. But not ££."

Why? God some people are such dickheads when it comes to weddings.

Yes, it would've been extremely crass to ask for money as a gift in years gone by. And now it's perfectly normal.

I wouldn’t give money to my brothers for a wedding gift. I stitched a wedding sampler and got it framed for the most recent wedding. I know people will disagree but I think it’s quite off expecting friends and family to pay for a honeymoon. We wanted to go to St Lucia so we saved up. I would never ask for contributions for a glorified holiday.

"I'd go and nake a big deal of saying in front of the guests how nice to see him after all these years. Such a shame it had to be at his wedding and not before, would be great to have a post wedding catch up. Especially since you have contributed to his honeymoon, you'd like to see the pictures blah, blah."

You'd look a right knobhead then. And in a few years when they potentially have children and things become more family focussed again for him, you'd be on the sidelines.

I'm astounded some are suggesting £100+ for a brother who can't be bothered to see or talk to you! The expense of attending the wedding when they can't be arsed is enough, but if you want to donate to make sure he doesn't act pathetic about it then don't stretch yourself financially- £50 is more than enough

I specifically said no gifts for my wedding. We had an event that was not expensive and were delighted to pay for our guests. That’s what hosting is.

Gosh what is it with the expectation to receive money for a wedding present?! I’ve not heard of “covering your plate”. I find the whole asking for money thing awkward and I personally don’t like it (although it is the done thing). We are not asking for anything from our wedding guests. Weddings are expensive enough to attend as it is. £50 in a nice card is fine.

Yes!

Also, £50 is as mean as fuck. £200 because he's your brother and he's getting married.

Well, that's insane. Who books their honeymoon depending on donations from friends and family? They should be saving up for it. And gifts are given AT the wedding, not months in advance.

Re his wedding, it sounds like it would be a nice excuse to see your wider family? You could go for that reason.

That’s very gracious and sensible.

I'd go £100 to cover the food for you and your partner.

That would be horrible. Don't do this, OP.

Wow, you punished the couple because you're too mean to get a taxi? Incredible entitled behaviour.

You could say it’s entitled to have a wedding in the middle of nowhere putting your guests to extreme spending.

Some of these hotels charge £££ for a room and food.

I would go and treat the wedding as justa time to get all the family together and see everyone, you get a free meal, probably 1 or 2 drinks paid for! Then i'd co tribute £50 after the wedding as i usually do for honeymoon gifts 🤷🏼‍♀️ basically i'd have a great time, you probably will barely see him anyway, i only ever get a couple of conversations with bride/groom at weddings as they are busy and there is so many people