How much to give brother for honeymoon?

[Dragonfruity]

My youngest brother (29) puts very little effort in with our family. He has quite a needy, overbearing girlfriend who often dictates his schedule, and they spend a lot of time with her very close family who live near them. I haven't seen him since a family funeral in 2020 and we haven't spoken for at least 18 months - he rarely replies to my messages and never reaches out to me, so I just stopped. It's a shame, but just accepted he's happy living his own life, he doesn't owe me contact. He sporadically messages our other brother and dad back about football stuff, and speaks to our mum from time to time.

He's getting married in March, I've just received an email invite and link to the wedding website which is asking for donations for their honeymoon. They want to go to Japan in April for the cherry blossoms. What's a reasonable amount to contribute? He's my brother, but we have basically no relationship so not sure what to do. Aibu to only contribute about £50?

I wouldn’t contribute to this, I’d get a nice card, write a heartfelt true message and maybe make up a small photo album of your family times together. Maybe it’ll joy his memory.

"I wouldn’t contribute to this, I’d get a nice card, write a heartfelt true message and maybe make up a small photo album of your family times together. Maybe it’ll joy his memory."

Wow 🤣

I'd go to the wedding, £100 gift, to see other family and not burn bridges.

I have a similar relationship with my DB, it hasn't changed at all over the decades despite my efforts. I gave up a long time ago and accept it for what it is. I need some level of amicability however because of our parents and his DC. I am very disengaged though, I have to be, otherwise I do feel hurt, as he has made his disinterest very clear.

I’m astounded by these replies. Do people really give £200 as a wedding present?

I thought £50 was generous, whether you go to the wedding or not.

How big their wedding is or how much catering costs is not your responsibility.

I feel as though I am living in a parallel universe to the majority on here.

Honestly if you can’t be the bigger person on your brother’s wedding day, then why bother at all?

And if the relationship doesn’t improve from then on, at least you can hold your head up high and know you have really tried to do the right thing.

I can’t believe you are contemplating not attending at all op, or only for your mother’s sake. And it sounds as though your partner is discouraging you from going? Why is he doing that?

There must be more to all of this than your brother being absent and not responding to your messages. Sibling relationships aren’t transactional. How did you get on as children?

Sometimes it is a really hard transition when you have been a very close, tight knit family and then your brothers and sisters go out in to the world and find their partners and establish new families. But nothing stays the same forever. And families need to adjust, expand, and welcome in newcomers.

You may not know all the details as to why your future sil is “needy” op, in your eyes. She may just be young for her age or have something else going on that you don’t know about. Why do you care if you are not close to your brother anyway? He is marrying her not you! None of this makes sense!

Just give as much as you can afford and be generous and wish them well.

£100 if you’re going to the wedding. I think it’s cheeky to go to the wedding and give a small amount. Yes you’ve not seen him for a while but he has invited you to the wedding so you’re not estranged or anything.

@MasterBeth I'm not punishing the couple - where do you suggest we found the extra money to pay for both getting to the wedding and a present? The venue was extremely rural, a long taxi journey from the nearest station, how many people can routinely afford that?!

Weddings are about hospitality and wanting your friends and family there to celebrate your marriage. So you need to be considerate and make it so they can attend if you want them there. This venue seemed to have been chosen with little thought for guests - it was one of those venues where the couple got a package presumably on the basis a certain number of hotel rooms would be booked. It was £150 a night so 1.5 times our entire budget for going to the wedding! Then the bride and groom were surprised when loads of their guests left by 9pm to travel home rather than staying! Really awful wedding too - soul-less venue and hours of waiting around.

Our own wedding we chose a venue easily accessible by public transport as well as car, provided travel information for guests, timed it so people could travel on the day without staying over if they wanted, suggested various accommodation options for different budgets if they did want to stay over, provided activity packs for all the children. Oh and didn't ask for wedding presents, just that we'd like people to be at our wedding but they could make a charity donation if they would like to.

Absolutely nothing. Since you have t spoken in four years.

I'm also astounded by some of these responses! £200 is a huge amount of money to give as a wedding present!

I'd go to the wedding because it would make my mum happy to see all her kids together and because I'm not a weirdo who hates weddings. £50 seems like a reasonable amount to give, "covering your plate" is an odd American concept that really isn't relevant in the UK.

I wouldn’t give that ordinarily, but I would to a
sibling.

It’s a night out x 4.

I'd give a £100, I'd go and suck it up just to keep my parents happy. Would be too much drama if you invent a holiday.

The wedding will be a 2 hour drive for us and will involve an overnight stay at a hotel which we'll have to arrange and pay for. Dress code is not super formal but will need to make an effort to dress up. We'll have a pretty small family in attendance - our nan, parents, other brother and his partner, me and my partner. My brother's fiancé has a huge extended family, including step families, some half siblings, many aunts/uncles/cousins, etc. I think there will be at least 50 of them.

To be fair I doubt he gives two hoots about the wedding details, probably hasn't even looked at the website. This has all been left down to the fiancé to organise (but suspect she's probably happy with that).

Why did you buy new outfits for your entire family?

It's obvious you don't want to go. You don't have a lot of feelings for your brother and you positively dislike his fiance.
Just don't go 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does he remember your birthday?

What a lovely thing to do to someone on their wedding day. Not.

Why do that?

best not show up at all, than be the bitter guest who goes out of their way to spoil their day,

Is it just an MN thing, I've never heard of it elsewhere?

I would say £100 a head for friends so maybe £150 for family depending if you can afford it.

Why do you think? Do you think everyone has wedding standard attire in their wardrobes?

@Mykingdom2024

Why do you think? Do you think everyone has wedding standard attire in their wardrobes?
Most people have something they could wear. Esp men. Most men have a suit or smart pants and shirt. Seems unlikely no one in the family has anything

"Absolutely nothing. Since you have t spoken in four years."

She didn't say that anywhere. Just that they hadn't spoken in around 18 months but have sporadic WhatsApp communication and he's in touch with the family he has more stuff in common with more often.

He's in his 20s, presumably working, travelling, socialising, enjoying life. It's not all that unusual.

Fucking weird that a capable woman and her adult partner would consider not attending because it's a "2 hour drive". It's not even far.

OP you clearly don't like his fiancée but whatever the reason you can surely put it aside for the sake of family relations?

Wouldn't you see the wedding as an opportunity to see and catch up with family and close friends? Regardless of how often you see this brother, it's always a privilege to attend a wedding. Why not ask your other brother what he is giving and match that (if you're comfortable to do so). Then go to the wedding and celebrate your family.

@llamajohn this is a bit of a weird take. Have you always refused to gift anything for weddings? Why is it any more or less odd for someone to ask for money as opposed to a toaster or champagne glasses?

Generally if I'm gifting money I'd rather know that I'm contributing towards something nice for the couple, rather than it going on the leccy (which is equally important, but not special to them).

This. It's not a commercial transaction. You give what you want, and can afford, regardless of whether you attend the wedding. That can be anything from zero to £££££
All this "how much?" stuff for weddings is why I prefer either a proper old-fashioned gift list OR a request for charitable donations.