How much to give brother for honeymoon?

[Dragonfruity]

My youngest brother (29) puts very little effort in with our family. He has quite a needy, overbearing girlfriend who often dictates his schedule, and they spend a lot of time with her very close family who live near them. I haven't seen him since a family funeral in 2020 and we haven't spoken for at least 18 months - he rarely replies to my messages and never reaches out to me, so I just stopped. It's a shame, but just accepted he's happy living his own life, he doesn't owe me contact. He sporadically messages our other brother and dad back about football stuff, and speaks to our mum from time to time.

He's getting married in March, I've just received an email invite and link to the wedding website which is asking for donations for their honeymoon. They want to go to Japan in April for the cherry blossoms. What's a reasonable amount to contribute? He's my brother, but we have basically no relationship so not sure what to do. Aibu to only contribute about £50?

You have been acknowledged enough to get an invite…

I'd go and nake a big deal of saying in front of the guests how nice to see him after all these years. Such a shame it had to be at his wedding and not before, would be great to have a post wedding catch up. Especially since you have contributed to his honeymoon, you'd like to see the pictures blah, blah. Make him squirm a bit.

Will lots of your family be invited? If so, i would look at it as an opportunity to catch up with all the relatives you haven't seen for ages. If you consider the wedding as a kind of device then 100 quid for both of you (50 if you are not) doesn't seem so outrageous

This was how I was thinking of it - a family event, chance to chat to all the family together. So I'd go, and £50 - £100 range seems fine too.

Sure as hell wouldn’t contribute to a holiday in Japan!

My cheeky brother’s wedding cost us £200 in train travel plus a hotel for about £150, then new outfits for me, my husband and 2 children, plus taxis to get to and from the venue, meals out and about. He asked for a contribution to his honeymoon too on top! Needless to say I didn’t give him any money. I never asked for any gifts for my wedding as I knew how much it costs for people to attend. I think wedding presents/money are outdated now.

I would give him £50 in lottery lottery money

He is your brother so I'd go to the wedding. I wouldn't send a gift. I think it's weird to expect money from your close family. My siblings on both sides and my parents didn't give wedding gifts.

I wouldn't give money in advance of a wedding anyway.

I would go, and give £100 (assuming this isn’t an amount that will cause you any difficulty), mainly for the sake of the rest of the family but also just so as not to burn a bridge. It’s not as though this is going to happen every month.

This was my experience that informs the advice above:
I haven’t exactly been estranged from my brother, but we didn’t contact each other for, nearly, a couple of decades. Only saw/texted when other family were involved. But I went to his wedding and gave a reasonable gift (and he came to mine and gave a reasonable gift). And then, when my mum was on her own and in ill health, he looked after her and I helped where I could and paid more financially (he lived much closer). We still had enough of a connection with no burnt bridges, so it wasn’t awkward and there was no resentment. And from that we’ve built up more of a relationship and do actually contact each other from time to time and get together with our kids. And my mum’s last few years were much, much better because my brother and I were happy to get on.

@RawBloomers
That's lovely.
Best advice.
Don't burn your bridges.
It'll be nice to see the family and you may even have fun.

Needing to give a gift/cash enough to 'cover your plate': What a hideous expression and philosophy, on both sides. Is that what weddings have become? You probably shouldn't burn bridges with your brother, but I would massively resent being expected to contribute to the holidays of adults I had no real relationship with. If money was in any way tight for me I wouldn't want to do it at all.

Do you want to go to the wedding? If the answer is no then do not go.

Like a few others have said, I’d treat it as a good way to catch up with everyone else. I’d give £100.

But you are probably right not to expect great thanks and more contact. It’s sad but not all siblings are close.

Since when are gifts intended to be back payments to cover guest costs? Of course someone shouldn't expect enough gift money to cover the cost of a wedding!

£50 is fine OP. If he ever asks, it sounds like you'd be fair to ignore him (like he does you) or explain to him that's all you can afford at the moment.

Getting married and having a wedding should be about the bride and grooms desire to do so and to have their loved ones there to witness and celebrate it. Not about gifts, money and inviting long lost relatives.

Your relationship may change as you get older and children come along:
I would do £100 in these circumstances.

You should go, he'll always be your brother. £50 is a bit light, £100 if you can.

Your partner is making suggestions that will cause tension with your family members for the rest of your life. You said yourself your mum would be sad if you weren't all there.

Never mind focusing on your brothers partner, take a long look at yours.

£50 is fine if it is what you can afford but I would try for at least £100

He sounds awful. I don't think I would bother going to the wedding, and he could whistle for any money.

I agree £100 seems a decent amount if you can afford it. I give £50 to friends so think family would be a bit more. But any amount is fine if you are strapped for cash.

I would give £100 as a gift if you can afford it, & attend the wedding.

At the end of the day, he is still your brother & I think it would be petty not to attend his wedding when at the very least it would be an opportunity to see your family, including him for once!

will he know how much or little you have given?

Don't go to the wedding. He's either selfish and doesn't care about his family or he has a controlling fiancée (maybe both). I wouldn't go to the wedding if I were you. If you do, then maybe £50 (so £25 each from you and DP). Her family can fund the honeymoon and wedding if she hates your family so much.

I wouldn't bother replying. You aren't obliged by law to give anything if you don't otherwise have any relationship with him and he makes zero effort other than to email you a link to his online begging bowl.

But I'm probably not the right person to ask, as I hold no truck with people who do nothing to build a relationship but are quite happy to take money when it suits them.

he's hardly going to come knocking on your door demanding you to donate.

keep the £50 and spent it on something that makes you happy.

How about this?

I’d give £100