There's absolutely nothing wrong with iPad at the table at a restaurant after a child centric day

[moomoomouseey]

Imagine a day, filled with child friendly activities on holiday. Think beach, biking sandcastles, swimming together, pool, diving, playgrounds, reading books together, drawing, child centred show in the evening, fun fair, trampoline jumping.. etc etc..

At the end of all this, you go out for a meal. You bring crayons and paper etc and other toys, but after a while, your children are restless and bored but you want to enjoy your meal. You get out the iPads with headphones and let your kids watch for a bit/ play educational games, while you enjoy your meal in peace.

Some judgy judgerpants walks past and thinks you're a bad parent.

Kids are 2 and 4 or 3 and 5.

What was your stance on TV viewing, just out of interest?

Or going for a family movie?

Using headphones/ on silent = not my problem.

Is it ideal? No, but the world isn't ideal. Children aren't perfect beings with optimised energy for any situation.

I try to swerve and delay phones coming out (my DCs are older). DS1 is autistic and can get over-hungry or overwhelmed by the surroundings, so there can come a point where the greater good is for him to calm down (more accurately read the warning signs before that point) and be distracted. He's more than capable of articulate conversation and every meal at home is screen-free at the table.

We hadn't got to smart phones (or at least decent ones) and tablets when the DCs were very young pre-2015. We did resort to toys and colouring with limited sucess. There were also a lot of meals (especially unavoidable big family gatherings) where once the main course was eaten, DH and I tag-teamed to go out for a walk or to the car. There was a phase where we swerved eating out as much as possible. Then being careful about where we went for speed, environment and reliability. TBH that still persists. Babysitters have never been freely avaliable to us and we've gone years without access to babysitters.

As a child, I coped with long dinners with a nice socially acceptable book. My children are dyslexic. Reading is hard work even in optimal environments, which eating out is not. Colouring is also not much fun when your hands are hypermobile and hurt easily.
My DCs' difficulties are not visible.
We just try to get the best balance avaliable at any given time.

Hearing other people's screens is really aggravating though. It costs a fair amount of effort to have a civilised family meal out, and enduring someone else's device screeching is deeply selfish and enraging. I don't know what kind of day any other family is having, just don't make it my problem by having the volume up. (OP didn't do this so all is good)

I remember going for a meal at 9pm on holiday and the waiter seated a family with two small kids right next to us. The kids were so noisy we couldn't hear ourselves think, let alone chat. I wish those parents hadn't been too proud to use devices as it ruined the meal.

Your children, your decision, no one else's business.

I didn’t do it because iPads weren’t around when mine were small but I probably would have used screens. No judgement from me.

What about a child or teen who can get overwhelmed by the sensory aspects of eating out? Tech allows them to sit at the table with other family members, knowing the comfort of the ipad/headphones is available to them if they're getting distressed and need to de-stress.

Have you considered that at all?

It's NOT about them being bored, the opposite in our case.
My DS sees too much, notices details others don't see and can become overwhelmed with the noise too. Worries so much about so many things. The distraction of the tablet is a respite, a safe place.

It's not fair on siblings to stay home all the time. It's not fair on DS himself not to expose him to restaurants and other social situations. Comfort levels do build up with time, but slowly, and things can so easily go wrong. When they go right he really enjoys eating out.

Often, autism isn't obvious to onlookers. We do get judged but I no longer let it worry me much. It does still get to me at times I have to admit, but then I judge those who judge me too.

Yes because the children should be part of the conversation. You do realise we had children before iPads were invented and managed after busy days just fine???

If I'm being honest I just think it's a bit sad. Weirdly we managed to bring up 4 kids and take them out with no screens plus doing loads all day. The thing is is that for many families holidays are the only time they sit down regularly for a meal with their kids, some people never eat around the table and many no more than 3 times a week.
Holidays are a chance to do this.

Not for me.
I think it is where you teach them how to eat in restaurants, carry a conversation etc.

Obviously there are exceptions like @Breakfastatlunchtime has pointed out but no-we never allowed it.

Still waiting on what they actually said to you in the restaurant……

Sorry, but it IS wrong. You aren't teaching your children anything about table etiquette, socialisation, conversation..... you are simply showing them that it's okay to ignore the people you are with, and watch telly at the dinner table. It's maybe an easy way out for you now, but you're not doing them any favours in the long run. Don't even get me started on grown adults staring at mobile phones at the dinner table.

Spanish and French kids manage to sit for hours at the dinner table, and actually have conversations - not sure why in the UK we are so keen to plug kids in to a device. So yes, I would massively judge you. This shouldn't be the norm, it should maybe be the exception that is made for ND children only.

My ds will sit at the table with a phone in a restaurant, no headphones either. A cardinal sin on mumsnet. He has severe Sen and will not tolerate headphones, won't tolerate being around people without a phone, huge sensory meltdown would occur. We wouldn't even be able to leave the house without a phone. I can see people looking and judging, and have had comments more than once, despite an obvious disability (he's in a buggy at 8!). Your children, nobody else's business what you choose to do and certainly not their place to comment on something that in reality is harming nobody.

I don’t see anything wrong with it. I have an autistic
child and if an iPad keeps them happy/calm when I’m having a meal then anyone who wants to judge can just sit down!

I don't really like it, and bring pens and paper which is usually enough. I think it makes it harder for me though as I avoid nicer restaurants if I know my children will be restless and that often means getting takeaways in hotel rooms or McDonald's meals instead. But I don't judge others for it so long as they are using headphones (frequently they don't). When I was a child most family restaurants had playgrounds, they are nearly all gone now.

Also worth reminding older posters who hate it, during my childhood and earlier generations, having your children sit in the car while parents did a supermarket shop and even drank in the pub for hours was completely commonplace and much worse than allowing children on tablets at a restaurant. Due to neglect like this I think children were more excited to be included, and also had the threat of being banished to the car if they were restless.

The biggest load of rubbish I've ever heard. That's a statement you've just made Spanish and French kids can sit at tables for hours. I'm half Italian and spent all my childhood in Italy, the Italians would talk for hours and hours at a table and we were always at restaurants, me and my cousin would be board senseless luckily back then I had my game boy and so did she. I have been to Spain and Paris most recently and have seen plenty of Spanish children and French children at the tables watching their iPads. Don't make stupid statements like that.

Getoverit1965 · Today 13:09
My ds will sit at the table with a phone in a restaurant, no headphones either. A cardinal sin on mumsnet. He has severe Sen and will not tolerate headphones, won't tolerate being around people without a phone, huge sensory meltdown would occur. We wouldn't even be able to leave the house without a phone. I can see people looking and judging, and have had comments more than once, despite an obvious disability (he's in a buggy at 8!). Your children, nobody else's business what you choose to do and certainly not their place to comment on something that in reality is harming nobody.”

Do you keep the volume reasonably low?

Would you actually ask a parent if their child was ND before sitting back down to glare at them if they said no? Otherwise how would you know?

Also do you know any French families? I do, and am sick of the French kids being wheeled out as better the Brits. I know a couple of French families and the kids are constantly scolded, hissed at and told to ‘shush’. Of course you’ll sit quietly in public if you’re constantly told to shut up for the most minor of things.

Also have you met any Spanish teenagers? They are as wild as your average British ones. Being able to sit without an iPad in public at dinner at 6 for a couple of hours (partly because you’re likely to get a smack if you don’t) doesn’t have much affect on what you’ll be like at 16.

Next time just take a roll of duct tape, OP. Make sure you cover their months but leave the noses clear.

I've tried both methods but found people were much less disapproving when I duct-taped my toddler to the chair than when we relied on the iPad.

One concerned fellow diner did try to raise it with us once, but I said "Lady, it's either this or screen-time, unless you want colouring pencils lobbed in your direction" and of course she saw that duct tape was the lesser evil.

Nowadays I'm happy to say we don't need either. I put the duct tape on the table just in case and my kids are good as gold. In fact, we often have complements on their behaviour.

SEN of any sort are the exception, but OP hasn't mentioned this so I assume it doesn't apply to her. Your situation sounds completely different.

@sixtyten

I watched children's TV after school. My DC did and do the same. They are now 11 and 9.

Completely agree!

APA says no screens before three and then from 3-8 it’s ’engaged watching’ (the parent actively watching with the kid and keeping up a commentary/asking questions/etc)

personally i find engaging with kids telly hard going (particularly if I’m already done!) so we don’t do screen time. But if you are up to keeping a commentary on it … although at that point I question why you don’t just have a conversation without the screens .

When you see children on screens in restaurants how do you tell whether they're "the SEN ones" or not?