Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to contribute money towards a wedding present collection

129 replies

beaniesteve · 14/04/2008 15:59

for some random woman in my department?

Another person has sent an email round saying she'll be coming round to collect money for a wedding gift. A couple of months ago I was sent an email asking me to the hen night (the email went to all the female staff in the dept) - I didn't go as I thought it was a bit odd.

I don't work with this woman though we are in the same department. I don't know her, I have never met her husband. I don't want to contribute frankly. I have enough people in my family having birthdays and getting married thank you.

Thing is I know that if I don't then it will get round and everyone will bitch about it.

what do you do in situations like this?

OP posts:
happynappies · 15/04/2008 15:42

Ok. I won't go out for a meal. Thanks for that. I HATE people who HATE people that split bills. I'd love to not have to think about money.

Oliveoil · 15/04/2008 15:44

if you have said in advance, I am only having a salad (for eg) and people know then that is fine

it is people you add up every friggin item and then get calculators out

they can feck off

happynappies · 15/04/2008 15:46

Well obviously I wouldn't get a calculator out, but I am going out tomorrow night because a good friend is moving away and I want to 'send her off' with all our mum friends. I'll be having a starter only, and non-alcoholic drink, and I'll pay for it - give or take with rounding up. I don't mind paying approximately, but I can't pay an extra £15-£20 for everyone else's elaborate meals/wine etc. I do feel embarrassed about it, and wish I knew how to handle it better.

Original poster
beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 15:49

Happiynappies, I feel your pain. I AM on a strict budget and any spare money I have I do like to use to do stuff I enjoy doing.

We had a horrendous Christmas meal a few years ago where people were ordering drinks at the table not at the bar (As we'd agreed) and in the end the bill was huge and all the people who wanted to split the bill equally got really stroppy with the people who only wanted to pay for what they consumed.

OP posts:
maisemor · 15/04/2008 15:49

Beanie I have just been out and I found some pennies for you on the street

Original poster
beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 15:51

"Sue - thats different. beaniesteve meaniesteve works in the same department as the person getting married." how very dare you!

to be fair we work in the same dept but not the same building or (naturally) the same office. Our paths cross rarely and there has always been a bit of a split between those of us who work here and those who work 'over there'. I'm sure they generally feel the same about us in that they are a lot closer to eachother and I am a lot closer to the people I work with Daily.

If my closest work mate left of course I would contribute.

OP posts:
Oliveoil · 15/04/2008 15:51

just sort it out at the beginning

we used to have a group weekly night out (back when I had a life and went out...) for about 12 of us at the local italian

if someone was on a skint week they would breezily say at the start "skint this week, so leave me out of the booze/steaks/lobster/caviar bill, I am sticking my tenner down and that is your lot!" and then carry on with the evening

it is when people start faffing at the end that makes my teeth itch

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:54

If its someone who you don't even work in the same building as, then maybe I can see why you would not want to contribute. When you said you worked in the same department, obviously I presumed you would be in the same building.

Still - i'd stick in a few quid, but I'm nice like that

Olive - me and you will go out. No awkwardness, no calculators

SueBaroo · 15/04/2008 15:56

Yes, but DSM, meaniesteve beaniesteve doesn't know this person any better than my dh knows his colleague from Bristol. Is this a proximity thing? If you are geographically close to someone, you have a moral obligation to contribute money to them? (and yes, I know she's not being 'forced', but guilt is clearly being used as a method of compulsion on this thread, even if not in RL)

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 16:09

No, not geographical. I have given money to a retirement for a man I had never met from the HO of a company I used to work for. But it was retirement, so I thought fair enough. But if it was someone in my office, who regardless of friendship level, I saw daily, then yes, I'd contribute.

Just found out that they actually don't work in the same building though!

SueBaroo · 15/04/2008 16:11

Not even the same building? Oh I so wouldn't give, and I wouldn't feel the slightest bit guilty about it.

In fact, I'd write a note saying I had bought a copy of the Big Issue on their behalf, like those charidee gift thingies.

[arsey mood today emoticon]

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 16:15

Well, neither would I, for someone I had never met ever, and who I was never going to meet (apart from the old retiring guy I did give a few quid for once..)

But, the OP said they worked together and she was invited to the hen night and all, so I thought she was being tight. Maybe not!

Original poster
beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 16:21

pmsl .. Think I'm in the clear
Was away from the office when they came to collect (ok - I admit it, I ran away and hid) ... anyway - they know now that I don't want to contribute because rather than asking me they asked my workmate by MSN who asked me and then let them know by MSM that I don't want to contribute. Whoops.

My name will be mud

OP posts:
Original poster
beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 16:23

oh - just to clarify. I was invited to the hen night, the whole of the dept was! I declined that invite too as I thought it was rather odd to invite random people to a hen night!

OP posts:
Fazzy · 15/04/2008 16:29

THIS MAKES ME SOOOOOOO Twice now, i have made the mistake of buying gifts for colleagues and forking out of my wages (we are talking 50 quid a time) and yes, I am still waitingfor people to pay me back for the gifts!!! I have spent 100 and have only been given 20 quid back!! I told them I did not want a gift for my birthday and even booked the day off to save all the fuss - but they STILL went n got flowers, and then Ifound out that the girl who bought them, got no money back from the others either!!! What an insult. It really does make me angry and it is like throwing money away, I can't even afford to spend 50 quid on my daughter, I could have bought her some lovely things. And I have asked and asked for this money back but feel stupid for doing so!!! I totally agree, especially as you don't even know the woman, she decided to get married as she loves her partner, not for what gift she can get out of her office - NONSENSE!!!!

doublethetrouble · 15/04/2008 17:22

Dirtysexymummy if you think a £1 is nothing to anyone then you must have lived a very shelered life. When I first left school I worked for a large national chemist as a trainee. They paid me £50 a week full time. Out of this £50 I had board to pay (reduced rate of £5 at the time), driving lessons (1 at £10), bus fares (about £7 at the time),lunches to pay for (about £7 at the time) and was also trying to save to buy a car. I would have about £21 pound a week left before buying toiletries , going out anywhere, anyones birthdays, clothes etc. Even 15 years ago this was nothing.

I eventually figured I could go back to full time education and get part time job and earn the same money. Whilst in that job there used to be about 3 collections a week for something. Although it did seriously dent my finances I always put my hand in my pocket and feel obliged to give. What really ped me off was when it was my time to depart the manager thought theres been a lot of collections lately (all of which i'd been asked to contribute to) and grabbed some crap freebie toiletries, Baby lotion, cotton wool etc. I wouldn't mind that she thought shes only a wee 16 year old she will be happy with any crappy free sht if she had thought shes only a wee 16 year old on a crappy wage when collections were going round and perhaps thought to miss me out.

Of course I smiled sweetly and thanked everyone but this has made me realise that when doing collections you shouldn't be made to feel obliged to give as not everyone can afford it. You don't know about everyones circumstances. YANBU.

wb · 15/04/2008 19:14

£1 is not a lot of money to me but I still wouldn't use it to buy a wedding present for someone I don't know. Why would I? I wouldn't expect a stranger to buy me/contribute to a present just cause we worked under the same roof. YANBU

HereComeTheGirls · 15/04/2008 20:03

After posting earlier I got in to work to find a note in my drawer saying that they had HAD a collection for my colleagues new house and my manager had put in £5 for me..ie I am to pay it back ASAP. What if I didn't HAVE it

Triggles · 15/04/2008 23:05

HCTG - I can't believe that someone would have that kind of cheek! If it were me, I'd tell the manager he could whistle, as I wasn't going to reimburse him. You're not obliged to pay for their decision! Oh, how aggravating for you!

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 23:39

double - I have certainly not lived a sheltered life! But I still don't begrudge someone £1, whether it be that I would sacrifice a bus fare one day and walk, or get less for lunch for a couple of days. But I would hope people would make the effort for me, and I would for them.

I'm not 'sheltered', but maybe more giving and generous than some.

doublethetrouble · 15/04/2008 23:56

Dirty I find it hard to believe you would walk 7mile to work just so you can give your pound. Its not just £1 we are talking about always either some work places like my old one was having about 3 a week. Would u be prepared to do the 7 mile treck 3 times a week. At the time given the fact i was on about 25% of the average office wage i do think i should have skipped the collection.

DirtySexyMummy · 16/04/2008 00:12

Er, no, but if I was on that tight a budget, I would have been smart enough to buy a bus pass

HereComeTheGirls · 16/04/2008 06:44

Triggles - I would love to, but obviously don't want to appear mean to my colleagues! It's just a weird culture of over generosity at work - we were told last year that we had to pay £20 for a secret santa present..!!

Triggles · 16/04/2008 07:41

HCTG - I'm reasonably certain your work can't require you to pay for secret santa presents. It's more peer pressure than anything, really. They did the secret santa at our work as well, setting a price of £10, but I opted out and told them I would not be doing it. They tried to push me into it, but I told them I didn't have the funds to do it. They expect people to do secret santa, a christmas dinner out, and then people expect you to exchange christmas cards with everyone. Just insane! This is my WORKPLACE, not a social club!

As far as those saying it's mean not to give £1 for gift collections, isn't it just as awful to pressure people to give? I think it's highly inconsiderate to expect everyone to chip in constantly. Why should I give my hard earned (and much needed at home) money for a gift for someone I barely know? That's what they have family and friends for - to buy them gifts at occasions. There's no reason for me to do so.

happynappies · 16/04/2008 14:12

DSM I resent the fact that you feel you are more giving and generous than some... no doubt you are more generous than some people, but just because people are constrained by their family finances doesn't make them less giving and generous. As I explained previously, I plan my gift budget carefully, and save 12 months in advance, so that I know I will have funds in place for my friends and family's gifts. I am extremely giving in terms of emotional support, friendship, time etc, and love seeing my friends and family. Work is very much a means to an end. I have some good colleagues who have become friends, and would use my gift budget to buy gifts for them should the need arise, but as I work in a large place with hundreds of people that I recognise/am on nodding terms with, I have to be strict about not giving to these collections which appear at the drop of a hat. I couldn't sacrifice my bus fare as I don't travel by bus, and I couldn't buy less for lunch as I make my own, and have a very basic food budget which can't be trimmed further. If I really couldn't afford to give anything for someone I knew well I'd write a note, or bake a cake or something, but for the legions of people that I don't know, no I will not give £1. I know this argument is larely academic now - it wasn't ever really about the money anyway, it was about the principle. I, however, don't like being judged as mean when in reality I consider myself to be far from it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread