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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to contribute money towards a wedding present collection

129 replies

beaniesteve · 14/04/2008 15:59

for some random woman in my department?

Another person has sent an email round saying she'll be coming round to collect money for a wedding gift. A couple of months ago I was sent an email asking me to the hen night (the email went to all the female staff in the dept) - I didn't go as I thought it was a bit odd.

I don't work with this woman though we are in the same department. I don't know her, I have never met her husband. I don't want to contribute frankly. I have enough people in my family having birthdays and getting married thank you.

Thing is I know that if I don't then it will get round and everyone will bitch about it.

what do you do in situations like this?

OP posts:

Triggles · 15/04/2008 11:40

We have a lot of people working together - at least 60+ on rotating shifts, so you end up seeing everyone and getting to know everyone a bit. There are always envelopes floating about for collections for this and that. As birthdays and such are regular collection occasions, a few of us have made it clear that we do NOT want a collection taken up for our birthdays or occasions. If we want a celebration, we will bring in cakes or something ourselves. Otherwise, it could get very expensive.

Our training group (ages ago) were going out to an expensive holiday dinner, and I told them I wasn't going to go. They got all upset, and I overheard them gossiping that I couldn't afford it and maybe they should take up a collection to pay for mine. I had to make it perfectly clear that I simply was not interested in paying a huge fee for a dinner, drinks, sitter (was DH's night to work), transportation (as everyone was expected to drink and it was quite some ways from my home). I preferred to stay at home. I'm not horribly big on socialising much with coworkers. Tends to make things messy and complicated at work, IMO. My close friendships are with people that I do not work with. I suppose that makes me sounds a bit standoffish, but I prefer to go in, do my job, and go home. I'm friendly and chat with coworkers, just don't socialise outside of work hours. Endless hours of "shop talk" after work don't interest me. I like to leave my work at work. Which means most times I don't contribute to these collections for occasions. I'm hired to do a job, not to fork out money constantly to coworkers for personal things.

madamez · 15/04/2008 12:10

Beaniesteve, sorry, for some reason I had thought you were a bloke.

wobbegong · 15/04/2008 12:10

Just rustle the envelope a lot and put in a coin. No-one will know how much it was.

Can I tell you a secret? I hated my evil bullying ex-boss so much that when she left I took 20p out of her collection. Only a tiny sum but it was just on principle. Her collection turned out to be so tiny that her own boss had to bump it up just to get her a rubbish bunch of flowers.

branflake81 · 15/04/2008 12:23

In my old office we opted out of doing the envelope round the office thing as it just got silly and everyone resented giving a quid to someone in accounts they didn't know from Adam. Instead we divided into small groups of six and did little mini birthday clubs.

SueBaroo · 15/04/2008 12:34

At Dh's workplace, the tradition is that if it's your birthday, you buy cream cakes for your immediate colleagues. No contribution necessary.

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/04/2008 12:47

lol wobbegong robbing the leaving collection!

I would just bung a quid in. In a department of 25 how many weddings are there going to be in the course of a year?

Yes, you will be known as the office tightarse if you don't bother. Think it's worth a quid just to avoid that!

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/04/2008 12:48

suebaroo - that's what happens at my work. When it's your birthday you bring cakes in for everyone else. No collections for birthdays, just leavers or if people are on long term sick.

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 12:55

Triggles - I think you and I are similar. I have a very good working relationship with my nearest work mate, I do buy her presents for her birthday and christmas. Like you though, I am not one of these people who makes strong freindships easily. All the ones I have outside work are very important to me. My work mates are not that important to me in any other capacity apart from work. I know that a lot of other people in my dept do socialise with eachother but I almost always decline work-do invites. I just don't see any of them enough to click with them in any way apart from professionally.

When we go to Christmas Meals it always irritates me that some people think it's reawsonable to split the bill between everyone. We are all on very different payscales and some of us just don't have 30 -30 quid to splash out on someone elses wine consumprion.

hrrmmph.

Anyway - I guess some people think this is unreasonable.

OP posts:

Nicecupofwine · 15/04/2008 13:21

YANBU beaniesteve. I am so glad I am out of an office environment. I've lost count of the amount of sponsorship forms I filled in over the years. I know it was for a good cause but did it very begrudgingly. It amounted to £10s of pounds. With regards to birthday/wedding collections I would say that you haven't any cash on you. that may sound tight but you cannot keep giving money away to everyone.

Bumdiddley · 15/04/2008 13:26

YANBU - as a temp I have been asked to contribute money for people I have never even seen.

Another time I was asked to sign a condolence card for the someone who's father had died - I had never even spoken to her. I declined.

So what if it's their fricking wedding? Whatever that is bought for them, they will probably have already!

Luckily it's mostly blokes where I work now so they don't go in for great present giving!!

happynappies · 15/04/2008 13:46

YANBU.

I resent people 'organising' me into giving donations, whether it is the brown paper envelope at work for someone I barely know/never speak to, or hen night organiser 'suggesting' we all put £20 in to buy 'treats' for the bride, or friend suggesting we all split the bill at restaurant... I personally am on a v. tight budget, but part of my budgeting is to put an amount away each month so that we can give presents/cards to friends and family - and with the number of new babies, weddings, birthdays etc, that is quite a lot! - I'd never say we 'can't afford' presents as I do think you can always manage something - homemade or whatever... but being told a suggested amount, or assumptions being made that it is 'only' such and such an amount... only you know your own circumstances, and personally I would not give to some colleague's collection that I barely knew, and am being more assertive when even good friends make suggestions about donations that, although well-meaning, are out of my price range.

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 14:01

£1 is not a 'large amount of money' to anyone. Noone. Even people on the tightest budget, it is still only £1.

I cannot imagine ever only giving £1 for someone I liked, so to suggest grudging it to someone you don't know is beyond me! Fair enough if it was £5 or more, but £1?! Come on!

OrmIrian · 15/04/2008 14:05

Well I must be honest and say that whilst £1 isn't much, giving that much regularly to people I don't really know would be a lot of money to me.

happynappies · 15/04/2008 14:27

£1 might not be a lot, but when you are accouting for every penny, having to give the odd £1 here or there adds up quickly. I certainly don't pay to park even when parking is just 50p because I am on a tight budget - we have to walk. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it can be quite difficult when people put you in a situation like this and say it is 'only £1'. It is all relative - someone else might say it is 'only £5', or 'only £10'. Just because one person can easily afford it, doesn't mean everyone can.

maisemor · 15/04/2008 14:47

I work because I have to so that we can pay off our debt. If I can afford to pay the £1 then I will, but I would rather spend that £1 towards paying off our debt.

That does not make me a tight, mean or selfish person. It makes me a sensible person.

If you can afford to pay the £1 then I think you should, but if you can't afford it then don't.

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 14:55

I know what you mean, and believe me I understand budgeting! But £1 is not a lot of money. Noone can argue that.

It doesn't matter whether you have a million pounds or ten pounds, a bus fare costs the same. A loaf of bread, pint of milk, birthday card, costs the same. £1 is not of a high value.

I am not arguing that anyone should feel pressured into paying contributions to anything, however I think it is rather tight to say they can't stick a pound in for a wedding gift for someone you work with. There are only 25 people in her work, and she has already said they don't do birthdays, so really how often is there a wedding or birth? A few times a year at MOST, so say, a few pounds a year? Anyone could afford a few pounds a year, and anyone who says they cannot is making excuses.

maisemor · 15/04/2008 14:55

Seriously DSM the only cash I ever bring to work is £1 as emergency money. You are telling me that I should spend that £1 on somebody's wedding fund rather than spend it on milk or bread one night we might have run out.
I have had to use that £1 twice now, once on bread and the other on fruit and milk, both so that my dd could bring a proper lunch to school.
Have you ever had to clear a debt of £8,000+?
Do you know how much some poor people can buy for £1 (measly to you but not to everybody).

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 14:57

"£1 is not a 'large amount of money' to anyone. Noone. Even people on the tightest budget, it is still only £1."

Oh yes, £1 is nothing but I don't see why I should be what is effectively blackmailed into contributing to a present for someone I don't know!

Sponsorship forms are another thing. No offence but I give to charities I choose, so I don't appreciate having sponsorship forms for different charity runs being shoved under my nose.

perhaps I should get a sign reading 'a refusal often offends'!

OP posts:

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 14:59

oh and.... [grins] .... yes, weddings are special ... for the people having them, and their families and friends. I am not their family or friend. I am a work colleague, and not even one who works with them. I can go weeks without seeing this person.

I guess it's that which I am objecting to more than the £1 or £2.

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:01

No of course I am not saying that! Presumably you would know about the collection, so rather than be expected go go without milk or bread, you would bring an extra £1 the next day and give it then.

I appreciate that £1 can mean more to some than others, but at the end of the day £1 is £1. I do know what it means to live on a tight budget, and yes, I had huge debts to pay off, which I did, but still managed to live a life at the same time. I am not the centre of the universe, and even when paying off my debts, I still managed to give a little to charity and always managed to get presents for people at times of celebration. Not much (although never only £1!)

I would rather pay my debts off a few months later and be the kind of person who will donate to gift-giving, than pay them off a bit sooner, but be tight.

maisemor · 15/04/2008 15:02

We must agree to have different priorities then .

ecoworrier · 15/04/2008 15:02

What a silly thing to say, DirtySexyMummy. Whether £1 is or feels a huge amount of money to someone depends entirely on how much money they have.

I don't just mean those on benefits either. Someone could be working and after they have paid the mortgage, bills and food, what if they are left with £30, £20 or even £10 a week? Should they contribute a large percentage of their disposable income to someone they don't know, don't know very well or possibly don't like?

But as I said before, I don't even think it's the financial aspect that's most important. I would resent feeling forced to contribute to a present for someone who was barely an acquaintance. There are much better ways of doing it - email everyone in the office saying that there is a collection for X and anyone who wishes to contribute please give a donation to Y by whatever date.

I'm with those who said colleages aren't necessarily important to them in a social sense. If you have a good friendship with someone at work, great, contribute to their present or buy them a little something yourself, but don't feel forced into giving to a virtual stranger.

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 15:05

"I would resent feeling forced to contribute to a present for someone who was barely an acquaintance. There are much better ways of doing it - email everyone in the office saying that there is a collection for X and anyone who wishes to contribute please give a donation to Y by whatever date"

this^ I really don't care if people think it's tight that I don't want to contribute £1 to every tom dick an d harry in the department. If those closes to her want to do so, then fine, but I am not.

OP posts:

happynappies · 15/04/2008 15:07

Thats the thing DSM - I don't think it is tight. It means a lot to me to be able to buy gifts for family and friends, so that is why I budget for it, but £s for work colleagues - no. I don't mind being judged as mean/tight by the brown envelope wavers at work - they can think what they like. But when explain my reasons here, it seems harsh to say it is 'mean' or 'tight' - a gift is for you to choose to give? No, I am not centre of the universe, but I am an adult making decisions about how to make my money stretch to look after my family. My family will always come first, miles ahead of colleagues at work who I don't even know. £1 might not be of high value, but it is obviously of higher value to someone with less than someone with more. When my toddler group put price up from £1 to £1.50, it doesn't sound like much but a 50% price rise to someone who was only spending around that every week... it makes a difference.

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:08

Well, I don't think it is that silly. If you can live on £10 a week, you can live on £9. Lets be honest. Or you would live on £9.50 for 2 weeks. Or £9.75 for a month.

I agree that noone should be forced into giving to a collection, and I certainly don't think people should be told how much to give, it should all be completely optional. But I think that to say you would give nothing at all, not even £1, to someone you work with is tight, and mean.

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