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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to contribute money towards a wedding present collection

129 replies

beaniesteve · 14/04/2008 15:59

for some random woman in my department?

Another person has sent an email round saying she'll be coming round to collect money for a wedding gift. A couple of months ago I was sent an email asking me to the hen night (the email went to all the female staff in the dept) - I didn't go as I thought it was a bit odd.

I don't work with this woman though we are in the same department. I don't know her, I have never met her husband. I don't want to contribute frankly. I have enough people in my family having birthdays and getting married thank you.

Thing is I know that if I don't then it will get round and everyone will bitch about it.

what do you do in situations like this?

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:11

I do agree to an extent, but buying gifts is different to a collection from work.

You buy gifts for family and friends because you see something you think they would like. You donate to a collection at work because it is nice to think people you work with every day care, to an extent.

happynappies · 15/04/2008 15:13

If you can live on £10 a week, you can live on £9? £1 is 10% less - so if your budget is £10, it is ok to cut it by 10%, not so that you can buy something important for your family, but so you can literally throw it away. If £1 is so little, they are not going to miss it in the collection. £1 less for the wedding present would make a lot less difference than £1 less to someone living on £10 a week. FGS!!

ecoworrier · 15/04/2008 15:16

To be honest, if it were my wedding I wouldn't want a forced or 'emotionally blackmailed' present from people who weren't my friends. It's meaningless, just an office ritual.

Gifts should mean something for the giver - and I don't just mean 'I feel obliged to give you something'.

I don't think it's tight or mean at all. And I still think you're less than empathetic about what £1 means to someone. Luckily, I'm not in that position but I know people who are and I would far rather they put that £1 towards food or a rare treat for their families, say an ice-cream in the park or towards taking their children swimming, or even a present for someone they actually know and like.

I would feel mortified if I thought anyone was either giving towards a present for me when they didn't really want to, or that it wasn't money they could easily afford.

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 15:17

"But I think that to say you would give nothing at all, not even £1, to someone you work with is tight, and mean"

Shucks - I can live with that

OP posts:

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 15:18

" You donate to a collection at work because it is nice to think people you work with every day care, to an extent."

but to be honest, I don't care. Wow - someone I don't know is getting married, wicked!

sorry - maybe I am being tight or mean but it's the idea that I have some kind of duty to contribute which I object to, that and other people judging me for not doing so!

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:19

Okay. But the OP does not seem to be living on £10 a week, so a moot point there.

Anyway, if you seriously can't afford £1, stick in 20p. Its the principle.

(And FWIW - I quite often find 5p's, 10p's and 20p's lying in the street. And 2p's and 1p's are everywhere, so if £1 really means that much to you, then go for a walk at lunchtime, and donate whatever you find to the collection. I don't pick these coins up so they are still there )

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 15:20

I love how this divides people. I bet all you YABU's are the sort to split a bill equally in a restaurant

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:21

Split the bill equally? As opposed to what?! Sometimes I pay, sometimes friends pay, depends. Sometimes, if there are quite a few, we spilt the bill. I am confused..

happynappies · 15/04/2008 15:23

As opposed to paying for what you actually ate I presume beaniesteve means.

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 15:23

No - this isn't about finances so much, it's about the principle. However I do agree with happienappies that while £1 might not mean much to some people it can mean a lot to others.

As it is I am struggling financially but I can afford to buy presents for those I love/like. I'd rather not spend it on people I don't know.

OP posts:

ecoworrier · 15/04/2008 15:23

If it's only that it's nice to have people you work with show they care, a nice card signed by everyone would do the trick.

I've always valued cards and letters just as much as any gift. Or even better, saying something personally, 'thank-you' or 'hope you have a lovely day' or whatever's appropriate.

Teacher friends have often said how some of their best memories are nothing to do with the often-cliched or tacky presents they get, but perhaps a hand-written thank-you card or letter, or even just a parent coming up to them and saying thank-you.

Much better if a card or present or 'nice thought' comes from someone who likes you and means it, than just because everyone is doing it or they feel they should or they don't want to be accused of being tight or mean.

happynappies · 15/04/2008 15:23

A situation which is very awkward, as those who split the bill equally don't mind ordering 'extras', more wine etc, when you simply can't afford to.

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 15:24

By splitting equally I mean everyone pays the same amount regardless of how much they consumed

BTW - it's really not a big issue, I am just enjoying the arguing now

OP posts:

happynappies · 15/04/2008 15:28

But surely how much of an issue it is is relative to how much money you have.

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:30

Oh my goodness if ever any of my friends suggested we pay for what we had not split equally.. well..

It would never happen. Swings and roundabouts though, eh.. Sometimes I'll have steak and more wine than anyone else. Sometimes i'll be on salad and soft drinks.

Anyway, I still think it is a bit sad to not want to put 50p or £1 in for a token guesture to someone who, fair enough you might not know well, but whom you still work with. I just think it is rather mean.

I loves a good argument, me

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:31

Sorry - that should say

pay for what we had, and not split equally

Original poster

beaniesteve · 15/04/2008 15:32

lol - Maybe I am mean

There are people in my department I would actively not want to give money to. I'm fairly ambivalant about this particular person, infact truth be told perhaps my issue is more to do with the way it's been forced upon us all ....

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:32

Oh - and do people who do that get the calculators out? how embarrassing!

happynappies · 15/04/2008 15:32

Well, if I can't pay for what I've had, I can't go out. Simple as.

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:33

As it occurs, beanie, I did say before that I don't think it should be forced. it should be a voluntary contribution, I do agree with that. Nor should amounts be dictated.

However, I still stand by the fact that giving nothing is mean.

You should change your name to 'meaniesteve'

SueBaroo · 15/04/2008 15:36

My husband had a meeting with someone in his company in Bristol a few months ago. He got an e-mail asking for a contribution for a wedding present for him. Is he tight and mean for saying "Erm, I don't think so, ta very much"?

After all, they work together in the same company, and weddings are vewy, vewy special, no?

pah. I'm with beaniesteve on this. YANBU, lady.

DirtySexyMummy · 15/04/2008 15:38

Sue - thats different. beaniesteve meaniesteve works in the same department as the person getting married.

ManhattanMama · 15/04/2008 15:39

I can't abide people who work out who ate what in a restaurant. My sole exception to this would be if someone wasn't drinking and everyone else had consumed large amounts of alcohol. Luckily all my friends are of a similar persuasion, as otherwise I don't think we'd ever go out for dinner!

Oliveoil · 15/04/2008 15:40

oh good GOD I hate people that split bills in restaurants

begone ye twats

drivers and/or pregnant women, yes, deduct an approx amount for booze and round it up or down

do not say ooooh I only had a salad

then don't come out for a group meal then you tart!

Oliveoil · 15/04/2008 15:40

and in answer to the OP, stick in £ in you muppet

fgs

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