Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

yes I feel its circles too.

Simply time. The psychosis went away quite quickly - within weeks.
He wouldn’t engage with services - so didn’t have any involved. He’s totally and utterly fine now - but I do worry it could recur - but this was about five years ago.

Ah right and so on the basis of that you think OP should get a shift on.

Not in the slightest. But the OP has been stuck for eight years - whatever she’s been doing it’s not working.

You don’t know it’s not working and that OP is not already better than she was. Childhoods like OP’s leave people traumatised for life. Long term trauma is something that is very very difficult to heal from. In addition here there is also a psychotic breakdown. No pill that will magic either of those things away.

Are you the dodgy psychologist? Because no - any proper medical professional would have passed her onto another by now.

I think you aren’t recognising that even before your breakdown he was hurting you

I think as someone who came from an abusive family I can understand why you are having a hard time recognising that your dh didn’t suddenly change, he has always been abusive.
We don’t recognise it as abuse because we only see what our family did as abuse and we need to have someone point out the abuse comes in all different shapes and sizes and explain why it is abusive and argue with you because even then we more than likely don’t believe it

The duvet incident is proof that he hasn’t suddenly changed into this mean, selfish, financially and emotionally abusive person He was always like this and you not wanting to believe or not recognising the abuse keep defending him because you feel it was you who raised your voice, you who rocked the boat, you who now cannot work and you who is reliant on him

But it was him who made your life so restricted, him who applied the pressure, him who now has what he wanted, someone who is reliant on him and captive.

I actually think you could be in therapy for the rest of your life because you still have the cause of your breakdown living with you. He is still dripping the poison into your ear each day

It’s like treating a sore finger without removing the thorn sticking out from it.

No amount of ointments and bandaging and treatment will make your finger better until that thorn is removed

One positive of divorcing a mean money focussed person that you have been married to for a few years is that what ever they have in their bank account, what every they own, whatever pension, investments, savings etc they have as well as everything you have is all marital assets and the starting point is 50/50

I know you aren’t going to be marching into a solicitors office on Monday morning but in the meantime I would start by getting evidence, bank account numbers and what he has in each account, what his pension is worth and any other monies he has in different accounts and places.
What your mortgage is, who’s names are on the deeds etc and also if you can look up the Freedom programme.

There are also books to read. Someone will come along with the correct title and author but I think it is called “Why does he do that”and start reading this in secret.

I would try and get a copy where there isn’t any possibility he can track what you have bought and sent to your work to read in your lunch time

I only asked about the alcohol because a friend of mine who is a hoarder and drinks daily now . Started to help with anxiety but now she is trying to cope with two big problems. But won't speak to any professional.

It’s been eight years. I think you should let each other go. Your marriage is over. Lay it to rest and move on.

I’m not talking about her psychotherapist in particular, just commenting on the general recovery process.

It’s not clear why you’re being so obnoxious on this thread.

Yes his drinking is problematic and that has been happening for a ling time now, way before my breakdown.He is extremely neurotic. Before the breakdown every day he would go over everything from the work day with me to decompress. which didn't honestly work.

Hi Op I have read every one of your messages. I work with individual with MH diagnosis very day and the impact of trauma is certainly real no doubt about it. You are grieving the like before you breakdown which will look wonderful with rose tainted glasses ( but in reality there were still challenges) and the looking back is stopping you moving forward. I would suggest you read up a little about recovery,what is meant by MH recovery. It’s not a life absent of challenges, of symptoms etc but living a GOOD life despite these challenges. YOU DESERVE TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE , yes it won’t look like the one before but it can still be a happy one. What happened to you was awful, you as an child didnt deserve it nor as an adult howver in the kindness why possible you need some level of ( as unfair as it seems) Of acceptance of what’s happening. You can’t change the things that have happened but you can start to change your THOUGHTS about it. Going over and over and over on the why ‘s won’t help. Considering changing Therapist and plan actions with them. Remember you deserve to live a happy fulfilled life!!

OP, is your 'therapist' an actual certified medical professional? Doesn't sound like any I've ever come across. If anything, I'd say they are doing you NO favours.
You remain a perpetual 'victim' after 8 years but "my therapist says..." "that's what my therapist thinks as well..." What exactly are 'your doctors' doing for you? How are they helping you take control of your own life and move forward?

Your family reported that they were concerned for your wellbeing and safety at home. I would be as well and not necessarily because of your husbands actions. You are choosing to live in an environment where, after 8 years, you just aren't getting better. You seem to be able to justify that to yourself and you are getting a lot of sympathy on here which I suspect feeds whatever martyr syndrome you've got going on.
I suspect your husband is 'stuck' as well. If you aren't getting better, he's never going to be able to live his life either. He can't leave, whether because of guilt or fear of what you'd do, and you won't leave because you are dependant on the 'life' you are living.

You are not stable, that is clear. Whether that 'began' 8 years or not, no one here knows, but you're not helping yourself and your 'therapist' certainly isn't either.

You need more help and you most likely need more specialised support so please seek it out. You should take advantage of any assistance SS offered, Do it for yourself, no one else.

thanks for all those insights. well the decline into utter instability seemed to begin 8 years ago as I showed no signs at all before then of any instability or depression but there must have been underlying issues then.its just extremely utterly bizarre to me that neither I not anybody close to me either socially or professionally picked up any signs fro concern at all. everyone just came running asking me to do things because I was highly competent.

which are the parts that you think indicate most clearly that Im not stable now?

my therapist is a highly qualified person which is why I don't understand why im not moving forward.

also its interesting to me that you feel there is a martyr syndrome going on. there may well be now after these devastation events but I don't think I ever asked for any concessions before the breakdown - in fact that was the problem in that I had no sense at all of my limits as a human being. I was so concerned to not be a bother and just to be an all round extremely perfect person when nobody demanded that of me. im grateful for your comments by the way.

LucyLoo your posts have resonated with me greatly. What shines through to me, and I’m probably going against the majority of replies here, is that I think there’s a real seam of strong love between you and your husband - strong on both sides. I have experience of some of the exasperating behaviour your husband displays and it’s very hard to change. But I’ve also noted the many times where you praise his core character. It may well be that despite your breakdown and the effect it’s had on your personality, and despite his meanness and hoarding, you are soul mates. Something you might think about is, of all the men you’ve met along the way in your life - is there anyone you’d rather have married? I suspect that the answer is no. I feel that the solution is for you both to seek help to make the marriage work for both of you. I know that other posters are calling him an abuser and saying you should leave. I think that with help you could find yourself, your real self, if you stay. You’ve been deprived of agency by your experience of abuse. But it’s possible to create your own agency, for example by insisting on carving out a space for yourself, your belongings, your hobbies. Your idea of having your own garden room is one route, although it doesn’t place any responsibility on your husband to give up any of his space.
In some ways the involvement of Social Services, irritating though it seems, may be the wake up call for both of you to work as a team to sort out your difficulties.
I wish you the very best.

OP, you’ve contradicted yourself in your last two posts. You state there was no sign of instability or depression, yet also that you were so concerned to be an extremely perfect person, not to be a bother etc. These traits themselves indicate otherwise.
I have great empathy for you, but suggest you take any assistance available. Presumably you were sectioned at the time of your breakdown as you stated physical harm etc, or at bare minimum under NHS crisis care. Who diagnosed you? Were you medicated? When were you officially diagnosed? I think you need to speak to your GP about getting referred back to your original mental health team. Your thinking & narrative still seems a little disordered.
The more you write about your psychologist, the more concerned it is. Does your narrative given here really reflect their feedback to you? Giving their own opinions on your husband etc. is not per professional standards. You need to see a more objective person who can move you forwards.
I’m also not aware of any evidence that trauma causes neurodivergence. Happy to stand corrected. Reaction to trauma may cause behaviours not dissimilar to some traits commonly found in neurodivergent people which is why diagnosis in adults can be difficult. These are two very different situations requiring different therapeutic approaches.
I hope you can access the appropriate help you need to move forward safely and happily with your life.

Thank you. you are right. there is absolutely nobody I would have married at all. even now I do not regret having married him. we were best friends for 25 years and would talk for hours every day. we always had each others back and best interests at heart. it is also strange what you say about a wake up call because my husband is veery very upset but says we need to work together because my family want us to split up and want him out of the picture. we are soul mates and that is why this is all so difficult to take. and actually probably one reason why I have such rage because our loves was so strong and my illness feels like it has come between us.

I couldn't even see at all that the abuse robbed me of agency because its not like I was a cowering ineffectual person - I seemed to be thriving in life.and was very high functioning. its all very confusing.

Hi, thanks for your message. I completely agree with what you say about the signs - and what you say is exactly what the doctors have said. the traits that seemed to be helping me to thrive and I thought of as positive were actually signs of being very sick. nobody noticed them as bad because they helped me succeed and that made me a valuable asset in society - I was the most reliable co-worker and diligent colleague and good wife.

I wasn't sectioned and I do not know why - that seems negligent to me given how sever my illness was. the doctors said it wasn't a 'true' psychosis although I did have psychotic symptoms and my beliefs were without doubt delusional - I mean I believed I was a snake fro a while from the garden of eden.

they said at the time it was catastrophic anxiety. which led to delusional beliefs. the mental health criss team visited me but weren't very effective. I agree my thinking is still disordered and I am very confused. there are many elements of everything that are very difficult to piece together.i never ever felt anything other than completely secure in my relationship with my husband but on a subconscious level it seems I wasn't in some way and I dint understand that.

I have had various diagnoses from OCD, GAD and CPTSD.

the eight years in therapy has not all been with the person I see now. ive had various courses therapy, CBT (useless), CAT (cognitive analytical therapy), psychoanalytic.

you are totally right about trauma and neurodivergence. the way it was explained to me is exactly how you described it. the symptoms are similar. so ive been told it is your behaviours that may be like adhd symptoms. and like you say they requite different treatments.

does anybody following this thread have any idea what the social services are likely to do now?

I thought I was my true and real self I really did - although in the breakdown I kept saying I was false person and not real.

I really don’t know but it’s very clear to me from this thread that you need help OP, including the help from SS.

my husband is veery very upset but says we need to work together

Why the word “we”

SS weren’t investigating you. This is just another way your dh is shifting the blame onto you. Give it a few days/weeks and there will be a shift from we need to work together to you need to

Your dh despite being the only one SS is investigating doesn’t think this is down to you

Again you aren’t picking up on the little things.

Whilst you say you wouldn’t have married anyone else, how many bf’s did you have, how many long term relationships did you have before settling for your dh. How many years did you date for, live together for before getting married

Interested to know the discussions you had each day. How much was focussed on him decompressing from work, going through his day (that in itself shows there is something wrong as no adult should need this amount of discussion about what they did at work that day every Saturday Nile day) or generally about him and his life and his personal needs and wants. How much of these discussions were about your day, what you did, your wants and needs and with no criticisms or explanations of why things could be better or why you don’t really need something.
How much of these discussions were about the brilliant future you could have

You still see this breakdown as not coming from anywhere and having nothing to do with what your dh put you through dripping his problems every single day into your ear.

Surely you got bored listening to him
surely you realised that this amount of decompression meant that what ever job he was doing was actually beyond his intellect.
Surely at some point you wanted to scream shut the fuck up. You are boring me to tears.
I suspect you did and rather than tackling these things you sat and took it, night after night year after year. That is why you had your breakdown
Your needs weren’t getting met.

Who’s decision was it to not have children
Can you go to a place before you met him and what you envisioned your life was going to be. Did children and/or a successful career feature

Did this breakdown happen when you were going through peri menopause or menopause because that could explain why your breakdown happened then as it was you recognising options you had, you had traded them to listen to a mean boring man talk about his day.

Your dh despite being the only one SS is investigating doesn’t think this is down to you
Should read

Your dh despite being the only one SS is investigating doesn’t think this is down to him

If he loves you and wants to help, he should support you financially to attend in patient treatment