Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

what do you think would work if not therapy. Im prepared to look at myself from every angle but even now things are so so bad my husband refuses any kind of therapy or even to find out what CPTSD is. I hate this bloody illness I want to know where it came from and how to root it out.

But when you were earning you could have booked whichever hotel you wanted to stay in as long as it didn't put you in financial trouble, he could stay where he wanted or not gone if he thought it a waste. If you wanted breakfast you could have had it and left him to it to sort himself out. You never had to be joined at the hip.

Personally I'd find either option a waste if the hotel was literally a place to sleep for the night, I'm happy with a Premier Inn or even a Travelodge or the European equivalents. If I was staying there longer term and spending more time at the hotel I'd spend more.

How did he react when you bought the new clothes etc?

Would he have reacted differently had you just gone and spent money before your breakdown?

Im just trying to see if you were really happy to be passive or if he’d controlled you to be passive.

Well now you once you described the hoarding I think it’s a good thing that SS are involved. Even if it’s a clean Vivian Meyer-style hoard having these many things is a health and fire hazard so in your shoes I would definitely use the opportunity of their involvement to get some help.

And again, please seek help to stop reliving the past. It keeps you stuck on repeat, as on this thread. What would you like to do in the future? Do you want to live in the hoard? Would you like to slowly rebuild your career? If you worked in a senior position in a large charity, I’m sure it’s possible to revive your network and get back on your feet, return to a fulfilling career and maybe get rid of the hoarding husband in the long run.
Does your therapist have a plan to finalise your therapy? Any short and long term goals you are expected to work towards?

But there are plenty of people out there for whom it isn’t a choice between thousands per night or a five star hotel either, even on reasonable income. I know several who go camping/ stay in airbnbs or inexpensive hotels.
Not wanting to spend 7 Euros on breakfast does sound stingy, but given the choice between a 60 and a 100 Euro place to basically just spend the night in, I’d probably also opt for the cheaper one.

Well no you didn’t because you only spoke about a radio. Seriously OP you’re going to have to take some responsibility.

I would like to rebuild my career - I cared very much about my research. I am a sociologist and it was in the field of helping marginalised people, I specialise in the class system in the UK.

my CV is pretty stellar however in my discipline its basically crisis at the moment. whole departments shutting down and I have many colleagues who have been made redundant.

Part of the reason fro the breakdown is that I published quite a lot prior to submission so I do have some publications under my belt.

I want to find a way somehow to rebuild our marriage as it was the most lovely joyful thing in my life. I could see any faults prior to the breakdown only the good bits.

my therapist tries to get me to do anything to get unstuck and move forward in some way. imagine how beaten down my poor husband is with all this on a loop all the time. I hope we can find a way to recover.

I have my thesis that I could seek to publish as a book as it would not need much alteration. that would be needed I think to get into the academic game agin. I would like to renovate our house or move to a different one after such terrible things have happened to us here.

I guess the thing is we did have the income and fro me part of travelling is the place to stay - hotels are a destination fro me. but its my fault I didn't communicate clearly enough. and irony really know why I didn't as nothing bad would have happened he loved me.

I think I mentioned Spotify as well. they were both missing and I see now I should just have had the ease to go ahead and buy both without any discussion at all. we had plenty of money and it belonged to us both.

I do take responsibility and I blame myself all the time because I don't believe this suffering was necessary. and believe me it was extreme. I have long term physical damage because of things that happened in the psychosis.

does anybody know what SS will be likely to actually do in the light of all this?

We can agree he has mental health issues. I didn’t say the hoarding itself was abusive, but when controlling behaviours extend to controlling someone else’s life that is a form of emotional abuse. And the effect on OP is to contribute to stress, distress and discomfort in her life, and to her mental health difficulties.

So you have not worked anywhere besides doing your PhD? I understood from your posts that you had a high flying/high earning career before starting your PhD studies.

Returning to academia after such a long break will not be easy, the competition is high and if you’re just after your phd you’ll be starting at the very bottom of the ladder. Not impossible, but the risk that you’ll get stuck in yet another rehash of your glorious past is real.

I misunderstood your posts and thought about the possibility to return to the career you had before your phd, you mentioned you had a senior position somewhere. Having a PhD title certainly helps in getting (back to) senior positions in many fields.

These are good thoughts op.

To be honest I am not so convinced as others about the abuse from DH. It must have been very hard for him. You have clearly been very volatile and confusing. Yes he has his faults - the hoarding and so forth. But we all have faults.I’m not quite so condemnatory of that sort of fault. I think he has stuck by you through great challenges.

Personally , my suspicion is that your childhood is the knot to untangle here. I think it lay out of sight and circumstances conspired to cause it to erupt. I think you need a fresh therapist and therapy targeted at that part of your life.

I suggest you go out this evening to the local supermarket or whatevers open and buy something you need but not an essential and something frivolous for yourself.

Buy yourself a book you want to read, a nice bar of chocolate (not the cheapest bar) etc and slowly get used to investing in yourself. Without looking for validation or permission from family or your husband.

Then when you get back to the world of work, book yourself a break a couple of times a year to a hotel of your choosing and start to value yourself

A trip to IKEA or similar for box files to tidy up the magazines, once out of husband's sight you can start to get rid of them. Or just get rid of things that belong to you, you don't need permission or to even mention it, just do it. Start with the old Cosmos just do it, pick them up and put them straight into the recycling bin.

His things are more complex but you need to support him in his MH crisis as he has you if you want to stay together. Taking photos of the objects and printing them out and writing the memory linked to it down in a scrapbook might be a nice activity to do together.

Hi, no Im 52 and I worked as a senior leader in a charity before doing my phd at 38 and then breakdown at 44.

I couldn't return to that exact charity but I have skills in that area that are transferable.

and yes id be starting at the bottom and would be applying for things like Leverhulme that are very competitive. im under no illusions how hard and competitive it is which is one of the reasons I nearly worked myself to death to succeed and network in the field. doing a million other things along with my thesis.

thanks this is a lovely post and I am trying to do things like this. I have been raising withy husband the possibility of us buying a garden cabin office or shepherds hut which is only for me to go in as I will have money soon from my mums estate. part of the problem is that my husband doesn't see he has any MH problems but I do try to support him - people were concerned when I got unwell because I was the 'rock' in his life.

I’m not aware that trauma causes or wires the brain to be neurodivergent. I would be more inclined to think the neurodivergence came first. But I’m not an expert in that area.

As with everyone else I don’t think your therapist is as helpful as you might think.

Hasn’t done what things? I quoted from the OP.

Of course OP can access music when she’s on MN I’m not saying she can’t but the thing she wanted - presumably in the early days she wanted ITunes, Spotify subscriptions are relatively recent - he blocked.

OP didn’t procrastinate over blinds she got a quote from Hillary’s which her husband blocked.

OP doesn’t work now but she did and it’s then she could have done with a cleaner.

He may well never accept he has MH problems, but you recognizing it and supporting him stealthily is important too. So don't get angry with the hoarding and shouting at him but dealing with the bits you can yourself and finding a way to support him dealing with the other bits. You could even do it as a Christmas present, get a collection of the things he has collected linked to a theme, holidays for example find out the specific memory and then get the photo and story printed up and bound properly as a book to gift him. Whilst removing the actual items from the house

yes I entirely agree it has been utterly utterly horrific for him. Not least in that he loves me so much and would never ever have done anything deliberate to harm me. he was so so very proud of the work I was doing and the way id managed to do so well. I don't think either of us knew at all how I was effected by childhood.

I think at the very least childhood produced in me the kind of personality that couldn't see or advocate for my own needs. basically I went trough life never ever wanting to bother anybody with anything and worried I would get 'in trouble'. which eventually got so extreme I became delusional with fear id done something wrong in my thesis.

that's lovely idea x

I blame myself beaucse I didn't need to be under so much pressure as he was a loving husband who wanted to support me and care for me.

You are in fact blaming yourself too much and don’t want to acknowledge quite how dysfunctional your DH is and the extend to which it has contributed to your problems.

You’re not to blame for what happened, for your breakdown. You’ve been trying your best.

yes - that's all true