Family reported my husband to Adult Social Services

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story but eight years ago I suffered an absolutely devastating psychotic breakdown after I submitted my PhD. Before this time I had what a thought was an amazing and near perfect marriage. I love my husband very very much. Over the time I have been unwell things have been very difficult. We had never really had a row before my breakdown (at the time I thought this was good but now I see it was a sign of lack of honesty and communication). Since being unwell I have seen a lot of things that were putting a serious strain on me which have come out in therapy. My doctors have been fairly certain though that at root the extreme and total breakdown is rooted in childhood trauma. My father, mother and sister were all abusive especially my father.

I have spoken to my sister about some of the issues that are difficult in my marriage as my husband has not responded well to my illness. I am a totally changed person and having never said a word about anything before, after the breakdown it was like a volcano of rage and anger and frustration coming out for my husbands neglect of me and my needs.

I spoke to my sister about the difficulties which have included my husband's hoarding, verbal abuse (in response though to my anger which has been out of control at times of which I am not proud), him not transferring money into my account on time sometimes so I don't have access to money, him not wanting to eat in the same room as me or be with me, him not engaging with my therapy and my abusive family with whom we have had little interaction on a regular basis are frustrated that he refuses to answer phonically.

Yesterday Adult Social Services phones me to say my father and my sister had made a report of concern for my wellbeing and safety at home. This morning I had to go to a meeting and explain the concerns to them.

AIBU in feeling this is an overreach by the state? I was there for two hours explaining everything to them and my husband os devastated as for eight years he has tried to care for me when I have been seriously unwell and devastated and angry that my whole life has been taken from me and Im not really getting better. Im especially angry that the report came from my original abuser.my life is in utter and complete ruins.

It’s your childhood you need to confront op. I know it’s hard and it hurts.

Tell DH this plan. Even if you need to move out while you work thru it to delineate and commit to the process fully ( and suggest he bins a few magazines ahead of your return!?) I think he’s been caught in the crossfire of your issues. But if the relationship is to work, you need to heal yourself. He had his own issues. He can’t manage both of your issues for both of your and it isn’t fair to expect it. It’s a partnership, and you need to be able to give as well as take and , kindly, I think right now you are draining him.

that's the view of my therapist. I also put my husband completely on a pedestal because I loved him so very very much.

I do even blame myself for my breakdown beaucse it was my thoughts that ran out of control. and its difficult to explain on here just how absolutely and utterly totalising the breakdown was. I believed I didn't deserve to see flowers or feel the sun. my therapist says he has never seen anybody with the level of abuse I have be able to achieve so much in their life which makes it incredibly difficult for me to then lose it all especially in a very sudden way when I finished my work and had a job to go to. its not like I screwed my life up by doing bad reckless irresponsible stuff. it was the fact opposite.

I know, I know, but can you see that in this folie à deux, he and his behaviours is part of the pressure? The so-called support comes at a huge price.

<I love you so much but I won’t let you have a cleaner or blinds and you have to do your PhD from your bed as you have no clear space to work.>

Like Edward Scissorhands - he hugs you while snipping you to shreds.

yes I absolutely am draining him. prior to the breakdown he lent on me probably more than I did on him. it kind of feels though that I have also been caught in the crossfire of his issues. Prior to the huge breakdown I was far far far more functional and together and reliable than him. in every sphere of life.

my psychologist is good at looking at the childhood issues. before the breakdown I would say that the dynamic was more that I dealt with both if out issues for us 0 but honestly I was completely oblivious to any issues form childhood or nay MH issues at all. that's what's perplexing and devastating because I would have gotten help if I knew I was fragile.

I truly wish he would get help for his issues too and also support for what he has gone through with me with has been extremely traumatic. I mean even the psychosis experience itself to see your wife saying that she is a devil and doesn't deserve to live is very very hard when you are trying to hold down a very demanding job and that wife used to lift you up every day.

I totally understand how deeply painful that must have been. I hope you can forgive yourself as what came out in the breakdown inevitably would come out at some point, and it’s part of a process of integrating your childhood.

my psychologist says that too. it would have come out and in fact was already there in a way because my childhood wired me to interact with my husband the way I did and be a little miss perfect who could never get upset or say anything when my husband didn't buy me a birthday gift or take me out on a date.

that's what my psychologist is working on with me. do you really believe it would have got me one way or another?

yes I absolutely am draining him. prior to the breakdown he lent on me probably more than I did on him. it kind of feels though that I have also been caught in the crossfire of his issues. Prior to the huge breakdown I was far far far more functional and together and reliable than him. in every sphere of life.

Yes. This is great insight OP. As your friends said you were his “rock”.

You have your own issues and you’ve got caught up in his issues. And that is why posters are suggesting you may need distance from him to sort yourself out.

You’re concerned about what you’ve put him through in the last 8 years but how much concern does he have about what he’s put you through in the last 30? How much insight does he have into how much his behaviour has affected your life? Has he offered to get help or try and change?

It would have.

And if it didn’t “get you” it would still have been there, dormant.

Absolutely OP. Your childhood was terrible. You did an amazing job of coping for so long.

he has cried and said he is so sorry if anything he has done has contributed to my getting unwell. yet its a very generic statement and he doesn't acknowledge the hoarding impact in particular. he does acknowledge that not buying me birthday gifts or not discussing having children or important things might have made me feel unloved.

you’ve been examining your childhood in therapy for eight years. That hasn’t got you any further. You need to do something different.

You’re more than stuck - your posts make it sounds like literally nothing has happened in 8 years. “I should have got Spotify” you can literally get it right now.

Not a lot has happened. my breakdown was so severe I went into a complete and utter freeze state. I even became mute for a while.

I have worked for about 2-3 of the years.

I have tired to change some of the things I wasn't happy with- like trying to buy better clothes. I have learnt a lot of new crafts and am training to be a ceramicist. had my hair cut differently.

one of the impacts of my breakdown is I find it hard to listen to music especially from my life before. its like I have no connection with my prior self at all and its is very distressing. Music was an absolutely huge part of our life together.

Ive also cared for my MIL who has dementia but she is now in a care home.

and I totally and utterly agree I need to do something different.

I have read many many things about trauma but bath I and my psychologist have many unanswered questions.

Woah woah, breakdowns as severe as OP had - take a long time to recover and some people never do. Give her a break. She’s clearly worked through a lot of stuff already.

She’s doing the best she can with what she has and is already inclined to blame herself.

Recovery doesn’t happen to any particular timetable.

You’ll never find all the answers.m and once again your therapist/psychologist or whatever should be helping you to move on - not getting you trying to dig deeper and deeper.

Get a new therapist or take a break for a while.

I live with someone who had a psychotic break. I know this- but her “therapist” is not helping her - if anything that relationship sounds just as damaging as the others.

thank you. I didn't want to hear it but my psychologist who is very experienced and knows the complexity of my case which involved religious trauma and spiritual abuse alongside bullying and having work stolen by a Professor, said that it could take 10-15 ears to recover when its been so bad that you believe you are a snake. I have no organic illness which actually makes it more difficult to treat. Ive also lost my mum and my FIL in the last two years also. im more frustrated than anybody because I was always a go-getter, much much mire os than my husband. my mother was abusive but she was a force of nature and certainly knew how to look after her own needs.

Hmm 10 -15 years while paying them for how many sessions a week/month?

can I ask what helped your partner to recover? I will try anything.

im not sure my therapist is damaging it is a very complicated case and how on earth I did not see any MH issues even the insane levels of anxiety I had I will never know until my dying day.

You said you had an elite job 🤯

sorry I was confusing. I did have an elite job but left that to do my PhD.

Can I ask have either of you ever used alcohol to cope with the trauma/mental health problems?
I agree with others who have said maybe your therapist isn't right for you .
You sound like you are going round in circles.

I drink very rarely but my husband uses alcohol and I am concerned with how much he drinks. that goes back to before my breakdown. He drinks wine most days. I do not like alcohol after growing up with my father.