To feel sad looking at this group of mums.

[AugMummy]

At my childrens swimming lesson today. They’re also in same school as my DD and sane class so I see them out and about all the time. It just makes me feel sad that I’ll never have that connection with a group of women. I was even talking to one of how I was feeling (I get really on nicely with her) she said she knows what I mean as during covid when she couldn’t meet up with her friends (the same group of mums) She felt like that. Individualy they are all lovely and I’ve tried to really get along by inviting for play dates, coffee etc. but then I never feel part of their group and they’ve never invited me as a group. I’ve got to the point where I accept it and just keep to hi and bye and have a conversation when I see them but I accept they have something wonderful I don’t ever have.

I just feel if I had been brought up into a loving and caring family that wasn’t dysfunctional I too could have had that.

Have you tried to develop a friendship with the one you get on with?

I'd focus on building one on one relationships and go from there as trying to join an existing group can be difficult.

I do sympathise though op, I had a difficult upbringing and it definitely affects me socially.

Just because women have children the same age as you doesn't mean that you have anything else in common or will connect.

Get a hobby, volunteer or a job and you will be much more likely to find like minded friends.

Just for context and I really hope I don’t derail my own thread by including this! I’m Indian and grew up in an area where I was literally the only person of colour (well my sister and my parents aside). I got bullied severely in primary and secondary school. I would get beaten up often and the teachers were not exactly supportive. One even referred to me and my sister as “the P**i girls”, (edited by MNHQ)
I corrected him many times and said we’re Indian not Pakistani!

So all my life I have obviously felt different and felt left out. The kids did not include me in anything and I spent my entire childhood alone. My sister is 9 years older than me so we didn’t even have each other to lean on

moving to London I suddenly felt less alone but the group of mums I was talking about are the same religion and culture as me and it makes me feel sad even they make me feel excluded.

I DO NOT look at colour when I’m making friends btw! I will happily talk and make friends with anyone of any race but I just feel I don’t belong anywhere. I had a lot in common with these mums more than I will have with anyone but I still feel excluded. I bump into them everywhere and they are always a group. There’s a community worship thing next weekend and they were discussing what they will be wearing and I’m going to same one but again will just be alone. My husband is an introvert so he never wants to go anywhere. I spend almost every weekend alone with my kids.

I’m a grown woman but I’ve been feeling really teary about this today in particular. The PP who said I have nothing in common with them I disagree entirely. I have so much in common. I know them individually so I can 100% say I have a lot in common but trying to fit in with an established group is very hard.

This isn't for everyone, but would you consider simply saying 'hey, mind if I join you/sit with you' next time you see them out?

Would be interested to hear if other posters agree on this though... should people be bold? Or wait till invited?

Please don’t dwell on this too much, as hard as it may seem. I have been in your position years ago, and although I didn’t feel it at the time, am glad I was on the sidelines of these groups. It may not seem it, but mum groups can be toxic and not all they seem.

I would do this

This could be a group of woman who have prior history, or a family connection, or all go out as an 8 with partners. Is this the only option you see as friends for yourself? Are there any other parents you could try and get to know?

Next time you see them, try and be bold and ask them if they would mind if you joined them? Unless they are horrible people ( it doesn't sound like they are ) then I'm sure they will be happy for you to sit with them and chat whilst your kids do swimming etc.

So sorry to hear you’re struggling…and for your past experiences.

As a PP said, perhaps start by inviting one of the mums you get along with for coffee and make that a regular thing and grow from there?

Ah it’s shit isn’t it, I’ve definitely felt excluded (in one case in a really obvious way which was really quite hurtful).

I don’t really get it tbh, I saw a mum I knew who’s really quiet at one of my kids activities, I was talking to a couple of the other parents and yelled across to tell her to come pull up a chair and sit with us. I am definitely not one of the clique of mums at my school but I try to gather up anyone who wants to be gathered. It doesn’t take much to include someone. Theres definitely a “group” at my kids school which is fine but I’d feel a bit rubbish too if I had to sit near them at swimming lessons too

People want the world to be a nice place but they don’t really make much of an effort to actually try to include others imo. I would go with asking too. I’m really socially awkward tbh and I had to really push out of my comfort zone to go say hi to people (didn’t always work well, I’ve been looked at like I was something the cat dragged in by a couple of parents).

You sound awesome.

Oh, good that other posters would ask to sit with them. Your community worship thing next week might be a good place to start? I am shy, but I would look to see if there's an empty seat by them and then go over.

I would accept that I might still be a little on the sidelines/not necessarily know the in-jokes or topics of conversation, but still be quietly smiley and really positive.

I often feel like this. For me, I live rurally and moved here only when my eldest was born, whereas these women have mainly lived here all their lives and have some connection at least already. I try to bear that in mind. But it does sting - I try to be friendly and open but I'm always the outsider it seems. I remember spending baby groups very much separate while they all chatted together and then it becomes a sort of awkward spiral (I'm not super extroverted but wouldn't say I'm overly shy or awkward usually otherwise), and now we're all in the same school together too.

I try instead to focus on making other connections - friends from work for example. And as my children get older I kind of hope that their close friends will have really nice parents!

Similar thing here, only the group often excluded all sorts and one Christmas excluded a nice mum because her child was in a differnt year group and not a ‘Y5’ mum even though she was generally a nice mum to be around. I stopped hanging round with them and avoided meet ups.

I looked at several mums in the sidelines and we have been friends for 15 years now since the kids were in reception.

Look further afield and make your own group. Others are feeling lonely to:

Befriend us here

I get this. It's nice to have a solid group of friends and it sucks to see something nice that you don't have.

To be fair I think there is a lot of luck with this, sometimes you come across the right people at the right time and it sticks, so I'd try not to blame myself here.

I am also South Asian and can relate to so much of what you described. I felt exactly as you did growing up - primary school in particular and was bullied in a similar way. I distinctly remember being told my skin looked like poo when I was in lower primary school. We moved areas half way through secondary to a school which had far more people with a similar background to me but I always felt like I was on the outside. Like you, I would click with people on an individual basis but be the outsider in a group. Add in insecurities from being bullied and experiences of people whispering about you, it leaves a horrible feeling. I have spent all my teens and most of my young adult life feeling exactly like you and having countless days of feeling teary and upset like there is no hope at all.

Things seem to have fallen into place a bit better since having children but I always make the effort to speak to anyone who is slightly on the outside and hope no-one ever feels like I used to when they are around the group of us who have become friends over time. I would question whether these women do have a prior connection though? It is easy not to realise that they do. If you are going to an event they will be at (like the religious one), is it possible to ask to meet them (especially if they are going together)? If going with children, say that yours would love to see theirs?

Sweetheart, I have always been not into groups. And one on one friendships. Not sure what is it with me.....I do not feel comfortable in groups with women unless is something I am doing, hobby, so I have a chance to put my head dow and do something.

For the first time in my life I was in a job where I met people who actually talked to me, asked me for coffee, invited me to the cantine, a genuine group of colleagues who chatted to me....and now I left. Imagine, again alone, me and my little family. I am not sad thought, just tired of office cliques, bitches, politics and so on

Honestly op, your better off out of it
In my experience, I've often got the popcorn out and watched on the sides as a lot of these friendships imploded. Not all of them , but it happens and there is always a hierarchy to them all , bitching and all sorts
Better to be friends with just one of them and stay on the fringes sometimes.

You sound lovely, the sort of person who would make such a good kind friend. I am so sorry about the horrible experiences you had as a child and it is not surprising that this has left you with difficult feelings. Would you consider looking out to see if there are other mums who may be feeling left out or who are possibly shy and befriend them

Yes not nice op but I have seen it at my daughters sport all good friends then fallouts. So I dont drink at the club now. Im a polite hello leave it at that. How many of them in the group.

I agree.

You can still try and make friends with these women, but try and find friends elsewhere too.

I never had proper mum friends because there was no one I had anything in common with, other than having kids the same age.
I wish I branched out and made friends with out women or mums from different places instead.

Friendships also take a long time to build and you won’t be as close as they are too each other straight away, as they’ve probably developed it over it a longer time.

I can categorically tell you, you don’t want it.

I regret the day I let myself get involved. It sounds like you have the perfect balance of pleasantries and enjoying company but not in the group as a fully fledged member.

you only get hurt in the end. I’m no drama lama but it is, I now believe, impossible for women like this to not turn on each other eventually.

P.s-adulthood can feel lonely. You sound truly lovely and I’d be your friend!