To feel sad looking at this group of mums.

[AugMummy]

At my childrens swimming lesson today. They’re also in same school as my DD and sane class so I see them out and about all the time. It just makes me feel sad that I’ll never have that connection with a group of women. I was even talking to one of how I was feeling (I get really on nicely with her) she said she knows what I mean as during covid when she couldn’t meet up with her friends (the same group of mums) She felt like that. Individualy they are all lovely and I’ve tried to really get along by inviting for play dates, coffee etc. but then I never feel part of their group and they’ve never invited me as a group. I’ve got to the point where I accept it and just keep to hi and bye and have a conversation when I see them but I accept they have something wonderful I don’t ever have.

I just feel if I had been brought up into a loving and caring family that wasn’t dysfunctional I too could have had that.

I've also always found it hard to make my way in groups. I've lived and worked in several different countries and when we moved to a new country I'd join, book groups and any other type of womans' group trying to build a circle of friends. I used to think of it like feeding myself into a washing machine!, I'd get spun about by the various group currents, think I was finally doing ok, then in the end I'd just end up getting spat out by the group and would have to start again. The school gate definately never worked. The only type of groups with which I ever had success were sports based ones - golf, horse riding and running.

I can remember feeling like this when my children weee really young. I got to know everyone individually in the end and am now much more confident with school mum friends, however I still probably wouldn’t go and sit down with them if they were in a huge group.

This chimes with my experience OP, finally have my foot in the door with a couple of small groups of really nice people and I’m starting to relax into it, it’s been very difficult to find “my tribe”. it doesn’t come across as very kind that these women are not including you when you’re in the same space. We all know what it feels like to be on the outside of a clique. Maybe they are not the right people for you- you sound lovely and very thoughtful. I find singing and dancing with other people an incredibly bonding experience, is there a choir or a dance class you can join maybe?

Are this group of mums the 'in' group? The socially desirable people? Because often when people say 'no one' wants to include me, what they actually mean is the elite, top of the social food chain group don't want to include them, and they waste much time hovering on the fringes wanting to be included, when they could be developing friendships with lower profile but lovely people also not part of that group.

Some good advice and support above.
Also your husband is being selfish. You both have children so he needs to be more than a stay in the house at weekends dad. Have days out or go to the park or wherever as a family.

OP I am white and grew up in a white area but I’ve never managed to ‘fit into’ groups. After a few toxic experiences with groups of girls and women who turned on me and one another, I am more comfortable avoiding groups and just doing things with an individual friend one on one. I second suggestions to make friends individually with other women who may be on the sidelines too. Some of us are just made that way and you might be one of them. I wish you good success in finding individual friends but advise avoiding groups.

You're focusing on these women because they offer the safety of similarity to you and a group, but really existing groups are probably not the people to target to try and make friends. It's not about being deliberately mean and excluding people, but they already have a group dynamic that works, and people who they'll automatically think of first when they're looking for some company. The reality is everyone has limited time, if you're already putting in the time to maintain a good group of friends, you're going to have less time to develop new friendships.

Look for the people who aren't already in a group, and make your own group that works for you. Perhaps you'll have less in common in terms of age of children, or culturally, or whatever it is that you think makes this group perfect for you, but maybe you'll find others who can relate to some of your feelings of loneliness or maybe they also have had difficulty upbringings which affected their ability to form friendships when younger etc.

Lots of people are commenting on cliques, drama, friendships falling apart etc but there is nothing in the OP to suggest these women are anything of the sort. The group I just didn't fit in with at school are still extremely close more than 20 years on. Same applies for some of the groups made at university where I was there but felt like an outsider.

I don't think it helps to try make someone feel better by belittling the friendship the others have. Agree with the posters who have gently suggested that it may be harder to enter an established dynamic (although given common background, I do believe it is worth trying in cases where the OP and others will be same place at the same time). I do believe there is somewhere the OP will find the group that works for her.

BTW I have had several people in a similar position to you recommend Meetup as a way to make like minded friends, around a shared interest. I’ve not tried it myself but may be worthwhile looking into.

Ah thats really kind of you, I’m an outsider (also south asian, seems to be a few of us, we could form a clique 😂), I know how it feels to hang about on the edges hoping to be invited in. It’s not always easy but I reach out to anyone too, don’t care about race, social class, country of origin, religion, how you dress etc, if you are nice you can sit with me. I have definitely been rebuffed and rejected and it’s extremely painful but it’s ok because I keep meeting fabulous people too. I’ve also got better at brushing it off (not perfect but better). None of the relationships have moved past school stuff to actual friendship but thats fine too.

Be the change you want to see and all that. OP give it a go, they are unlikely to say no and if you get on with them one on one you have a good chance of being invited to sit with them. But here are loads of people who probably wish someone would just say hi and give them a smile, so look outside of this group too.

I do think those of us with very dysfunctional families or difficult childhoods struggle more, there nothing wrong with you, you sound lovely to me. I have no idea how to fix it but I’m trying to be more authentic and I think that helps.

Sometimes it's just habit. You just invite the usual crew. It's a bad habit of course. I would second what was said about looking out for other people in your situation, potentially not in a group and who might like to be, start your own crew!

Also seriously, my husband and I are both introverts, we still both do stuff with DC together. It’s not about us it’s about DC, and our family unit. You probably just feel like you rarely have adult company. Lay down the law with him on this, he needs to get out with you and the kids, they are equally his responsibility and he has a duty to you too to make sure you are happy and feel supported.

I would do this with a soft intro picking up on a previous conversation

"Hi Laura, i tried that bakery amd you were roght the cakes are amazing... mind if i join you guys?"

"Hi Jenny, we tried that new soft play it was really clean but its a bit small so the kids got bored after an hour...mind if i join you guys?"

Oh this is so true, perceptions of social value really affect peoples self esteem. No-one even has to do anything to you, you just have to feel inferior or excluded and thats enough to make you feel truly awful. It’s not actually real, it’s just your perception. There a whole bunch of psychological literature about it, we are social animals and where we think we fit in the hierarchy really does impact us

I do think it might just be a case of that particular group of women just not being the friendship group for you and that’s ok. I know so many people who have struggled with this (it’s definitely been a constant theme with my friends who have recently become mothers etc), it seems it can be quite cliquey. You can definitely have a group of female friends, just maybe not specifically with these people.

Yes, this is the common theme I’m talking about! It’s like the high school mean girls come out of the woodwork or something!

There is 13 yrs between my older sister , and me so I always felt out of it watching other sisters of the same age chatting, and doing girl stuff.

I accept they have something wonderful I don’t ever have.

I just want to say (as someone who is in several friendship groups like the one you describe) that you are massively over idealising it. These groups are fun, they are useful because there is always something going on, and they are relaxing because you can drop in and out of events and the conversation as you wish. But they are not some wonderful life changing experience! The groups are constantly evolving as people move away etc, and within the group there are stronger friendship units, people who don't get on so well... My closest friends are sole or dual survivors of previous groups which dissolved over time. If you have good friendships aside from the school parents, you are not missing out.

I've never had a group of "mum friends". I was 18 when I had my baby so naturally nobody in my peer group had children at that age. The mums at school run were older and more "together" than I was, married with mortgages, that wasn't my reality as life was chaotic for me for a while so I had little in common with any of them really.

The only mum friends I have are the ones who I was already friends with before we had children.

Do you have any other friends at all?

I've lived in my town over 30yrs, brought up the DC here, never had a group of "mum friends" - found the other mums very cliquey TBH - I was relieved when I went back to work FT and met people who didn't see me as anyone's mum. I did make friends at work.

Ironically I now have local friends in retirement, through a hobby - but they are all new to the town so more open to making new friends.

Having children the same age as mine really wasn't the basis of any friendships for me.

This! I tried really hard to integrate with the other mums but it was a full on clique. You are probably not missing much as they seem quite toxic
It is probably a blessing in disguise as I found out. I went to the extent of joining the fund raising committee to genuinely help. had a great idea, was left to cost it, buy and sell, after a few weeks they removed everything, saying nothing. The next jumble sale at the school, there was my product/idea on a stall in full glory!
You are a nicer and better person than they are and deserve better, it will come naturally when it does come
sending hugs because I really do know the feeling, shake it off and be kind to yourself, it really is their loss!
X

This is a really good approach.
Be brave💐

I've felt like this before so sending hugs. You need to find your tribe and maybe they aren't it. Hang in there it will come x

I'd be cautious in joining them, make sure it's what you want. Better to forge genuine friendships with like minded people that try to join the popular kids (not all it's cracked up to be) x

That must have been so hard OP.

In my experience, trying to get into established groups is a waste of time. Some groups even thrive on having outsiders kept at arms length - although you have not suggested that here.

Can you make your own group? Perhaps other mums in the class who are not included must have similar feelings.