To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

At what point before buying all the stuff did you ask him if he wanted to do camping trips?

It would be a flat out no from me because I've got no desire whatsoever to have to build my own accommodation, and my rule of thumb is that holiday accommodation has to he at least as nice as my house. Camping just seems miserable. I appreciate some people really enjoy it but I'm not one of them and I wouldn't appreciate my husband unilaterally deciding that's what we're going to be doing.

YABU.

Camping is many people’s idea of hell. He gave it a try, and decided it wasn’t for him. I wouldn’t even give it a try. He does go on family holidays so making it sound like he doesn’t want to spend time with the family isn’t right or fair.

And getting upset that he’s not concerned about your safety when there is no reason to be is manipulative.

DIY - it’s ok for a man to not like DIY. If you’re happy to do it, then so what if he leaves it for you? If you’re not happy to do it, then you both agree what to do - pay someone else, or one of you do it anyway.

And 10/10 for being a martyr re the TV unit. You obviously did that to make a point so acting like you had no choice is bullshit.

He’s not the husband you want him to be and that’s fine. But he doesn’t sound like a selfish and lazy man who doesn’t spend any time with his family, which is what you’ve described him as in the OP.

The camping isn’t the issue, it’s your DH’s general attitude of unhelpfulness.

My friend was in a similar position and found a campsite an hour or so away. Her DH would come and help her set up and then leave her to it, and then come to pack up as well. Not ideal but could be possible.

This!

This, really.

i LOVE camping!! We have an 8 person tent for 2 of us so that we have tonnes of room. It takes 10mins to put up and 10 mins to put away, and a further 10 mins to set up the gazebo and other bits and bobs like tables and air bed. It's enabled us to see loads of the UK cheaply, we'd have seen far far less if we had to stump up for a hotel for 2/3 nights each time.

I can't imagine been so not-on-the-same-page as a partner.
However, YABU for spending loads of money on equipment then expecting him to feel the same way as you.

All of this

"Even after I came home having had major surgery, I built a tv unit the day of discharge - whilst he sat and watched"
This is your problem. The to unit could have waited. Why did you do this?
My DH will not do DIY but he wouldn't have allowed me to do ANYTHING after major surgery AND he didn't!

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go camping. It would be a hard cold no for me not matter how good it might be for my DCs. I do think he should have helped you with the tent. That's just a caring thing to do but if my DH bought a tent and insisted I go with him I would probably lamp him with a tent peg.

You want to camp with the kids- go on your own.

But did he say he WOULD come?

I’m Not sure he can win in this scenario unless he just does something he doesn’t want to.

If objected he’d be called a killjoy or controlling. If he doesn’t get much holiday doe
to his job wouldn’t it have been a good idea to discuss to maximise family time that you’d all enjoy? Maybe he’d assumed you wanted to take the kids while he’s working and was fine with that?

my mum used to take us alone when my dad was busy at weekends (she was annoyed he was busy though!!)

I am not a happy camper. Fine when I was going at festivals, where I waspissed for 4 days, not not in real life. My kids camp in the back garden or scout/guides, if that's their thing.

Tbh though, if I were your dh, I would have did no as soon as the idea was suggested, or just said:"crack on, but I'm having nothing to do with it."

You say you have two long haul holidays a year - so it's not that he refuses to go on holiday as a family at all (in fact two long haul holidays/year is more than most get) so how much time is he actually taking off his business per year? Are you the kind of nightmare person who thinks that because someone is self employed that means they're always available?

Do you work?

If you are not 100% sure it's safe then you shouldn't be taking your children. Personally speaking if my partner had spent that much money on hobby kit and then expected me to spend my annual leave doing that hobby even if I didnt enjoy it. Then Id be seriously considering my relationship. If the kids are really that keen then a cheap festival tent in the garden would have been a good start. As far as DIY is concerned, if you know he cant do it and you dont want to then dont buy flat pack stuff.

This has nothing to do with camping. Like a huge number of MN posts OP posts about something relatively minor that belies a much deeper issue in the relationship. I dont know what it is about people (or is it mainly a female thing???) that means they can’t see or can’t admit to the real problem and ask for help on that, so rather dress it up as something else, in the hope some people will ultimately zone in on the real issue. The number of people responding on here about whether they like or dislike camping is ridiculous - this isn’t a camping thread and that doesn’t help OP. It’s like collective avoidance of the real issues, presumably because many have similar shit unbalanced relationships and recognize a lot of this in their own lives but refuse to address it.

What's with the 1500 on kit and 40kg tent? Why not get a normal tent (or tents)? Usually if you are trying something new it's better to start out with cheaper/ 2nd hand kit, and then if you get into it you can invest when you are more knowledgeable and understand your needs better.

I mean, if you're taking small kids camping then you probably don't want to go too basic, but yeah, my brother has a very reliable tent that he bought for £25 from Argos more than 20 years ago.

Camping isn’t for everyone and it should have been a joint decision before buying equipment that you need/ want his help with.

Probably echoing what everyone else has said but if my DH expected me to go camping every couple of months and use my limited time off work for this, it’d be a hard no.
I hate everything about camping. I’d probably go for a few nights a year for the children’s sake but absolutely not every few months and YABU for expecting that.

The number of people responding on here about whether they like or dislike camping is ridiculous - this isn’t a camping thread and that doesn’t help OP

Whilst I do agree with most of what you're said, I disagree on the point around not helping the OP. OP has started a thread about camping. Responses that show she is being unreasonable shows that her thinking is skewed and is thus focussing on the wrong problem if she's not able to see that she's being unreasonable. It's a bit tiresome having a thread start as one thing, and then all of a sudden drip feeds show it is something else. It's perfectly reasonable for people to post about the opening post, that's what the OP initially asked for.

YABU for buying the thing. A smaller tent would have been fine for four, three or two people.

Maybe he spends so much time sorting out work stuff because you are spending daft amounts of money on things like camping equipment and two long haul holidays a year you can't have it both ways.

I agree with this but also the OP is a martyr. Ordering a TV cabinet and then deciding to build it just after surgery is on her. It didn’t have to be built that day, she wanted it to be. I’m sending a bit of a ‘control’ issue.

Actually, two family holidays a year? It doesn't really sound like he doesn't invest in family time.

Camping is ghastly IMO.
Anyone who thinks this is great for kids, - how is it any better than any other type of holiday? It is being homeless, but with a tent - but thats my opinion

If you want to do it OP, do it - you and your partner are not ONE person, you are two - have it be something that you do with the kids.