To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

Sorry I'm with the husband on this one. I hate camping and two nights is my absolute max and that is in hot countries when we are beach camping.
Camping in the UK...no thank you.

This. This is your real issue here.

My opinion changed as I read through your posts.

He should definitely be pulling his weight at home - there’s definitely an issue there. He does need downtime after work but there’s a limit to that.

If this is your 3rd holiday in a year then I think it’s fine for him not to come. It’s not like he’s dodging all holiday's. I appreciate the view that he wants to do the flash ones and not the grind ones but you only get so much holiday a year (I know it will be flexible for him but it’s still time when he can’t earn). Yes he should be prepared to do things he doesn’t want to do for the DC but it can be a compromise between you as to who does what. You seem happier doing this. The problem is if he won’t do anything for the benefit of them which does sound like the case.

If you aren’t concerned for your safety then I don’t see why he should be if I’m honest. I’d find that patronising.

I’ve been in a similar situation to you and I made sure I got camping equipment that I could do on my own. So a smaller lighter tent. As the DC got older & could help I went for a larger tent. I know this advise is too late but I think you probably did know there was a risk he wouldn’t come and that should have been factored into your purchasing. I do agree that a bigger tent makes it easier when you are there but it is possible to camp with a smaller tent & leave stuff in the car.

I can with friends as they can help if a partner isn’t with you. Obviously this requires knowing people that will.

To be honest I'd be pretty annoyed if DH expected me to go camping, I bloody hate camping!

Absolutely this. There is no way on earth I would ever camp, I'd rather gouge my own eyeballs out. Did it as a child, hated it.

More fool you for paying ££££ for a tent.

I think YABU about the camping. My ex did this, it was one of the reasons I left. He was also SE and every spare moment he had, he’d take his DS camping. I hated it, but he’d always ask if I wanted to come, knowing I wouldn't. Then if I complained that we never did anything together I’d get “But I asked you to come camping”, knowing I’d never go.

I think you are both somewhat to blame here but I voted YANBU as he is more unreasonable 🤣.

A better idea would have maybe to have spent less on the tent/equipment unless you knew it was going to be a regular thing/everyone enjoyed it.

Neither my husband or a particularly enjoy camping although we don't hate it. Our 3 kids love it so we have been a few times and obviously just make the most of it even though it wouldn't be our first choice of activity. We bought a huge 8 man blackout and even that was only about £400 so sounds like you have went for an extremely expensive top of the range tent maybe meant for camping enthusiasts! Also maybe 4/5 nights is quite a lot if you all aren't keen.

That being said it's rubbish that he wouldn't just suck it up for the kids although seems on here there's a general theme of men who put themselves first! A man that watched me pitch a tent while doing little to help would really give me the ick.

This.

I used to be married to a man like this, I spent years trying to think of things that were fun for him that the kids would also enjoy, just to get him to spend time with them.

Even after I decide to leave him , I waited for another few years to try to get him to bond with his kids, but he wasn’t interested.

I ended up going on holiday alone with the kids, as even when we did exactly the type of holiday he wanted he wasn’t happy . He would hire a car and go off on his own all day or stay in the hotel room on his phone / laptop and just come out for dinner for a couple of hours.

After I left him, we were all much happier . Sadly he sees his kids for a couple of hours a few times a year. And of course he pays no child maintenance as he’s self employed.

I didn’t want it to end like this, but I couldn’t go on doing 99% of the effort to make our marriage and family life work .

The thing is though.

Op decided they were a camping family and decided they were going to go multiple times a year. Even though she knew he wasn’t keen.

He has been, he tried it. Doesn’t like it.

If this is the dynamic of the marriage, I am not surprised he doesn’t do much from the Ops point of view.

Op makes a decision he isn’t enthusiastic about and then decides because he isn’t doing what she wants, even though she knew he didn’t want to, she moans about him.

Dp wants to do the front garden this year. I think it can wait. But he has some time off and wants a project. So he can crack on and do it. If he started, but then was moaning about it at me for not also doing it I would tell him to piss off. I have done the odd bit over the weekend. But I didn’t want to do it. He started it so he can finish it. To start it, fully aware I wasn’t wanting to involved then to try and manipulate me into also doing it would be a dick move. And not a dynamic I would be happy living in.

Op decided they were a camping family

This sums it up, I agree.

Op must have known before they even had kids that her dh is not a camping type.

My dh loves skiing but I will never go, ever, and he's always known this. This doesn't make me lazy or avoiding family time. I just won't ski.

"Even after I came home having had major surgery, I built a tv unit the day of discharge - whilst he sat and watched…"

Martyr. And pass agg with it.

If he started on about you being unsafe camping when you know and feel that you're perfectly fine then no doubt he'd be patronising.

Also, why the fuck have you bought a tent that completely fills your boot? Where are you putting the rest of the stuff?

He sounds lazy and uncommunicative.

That doesn't mean he should have to go camping. You don't get to decide that it's the right thing for him to choose to do.

What I can't understand is why the op would do something as silly as assemble a tv after major surgery. Get someone to do it of He can't/won't.

Is there about to be a story about finances? Is this the real reason you're trapped with him?

You built a tv unit on day of discharge after major surgery? Whenever is there a circumstance where building a tv unit is so important. Sounds like you might get a bee in your bonnet and insist on doing unnessary things. Your kids are likely to be happy camping in the garden.

It sounds like a really miserable marriage with a selfish, mean, lazy man.

I hope you have copies of all paperwork for his business tucked away.

You don't sound happy.
You have settled for very little.

Is this really the future you want?

I get all of the comments of people saying “camping isn’t for me - I’d never go”… I feel that I’m potentially not going to be the biggest lover of it - trust me I love nothing more than a 5 AI, but it's the DC who are desperate to go camping

When my young DC said they wanted to camp, I bought them a pop up tent for the garden. I did not spend £1.5k on kit and make all the adults go on trips they didn't want to.

Surely there's a compromise?

Although it sounds like a DH problem rather than an actual camping problem.

Loads of kids don’t like camping at all.

Fine for the OP to like camping. But it’s not fine for her to expect her DH to want to do it to. I wouldn’t go on a camping holiday, with or without kids, if you paid me.

I've been camping overnight with friends twice, enjoyed myself. But I don't like camping and wouldn't go again and certainly not for 5 days.
You enjoy it with the kids, go without him.
My Dh hates hotel stays, so I always took the kids away without him.
He'd come on days out with us.

so Al finances are separate and his life is pretty separate never putting himself out for his family - marriage and children are about compromise and sometimes doing things you wouldn’t choose!

I personally wouldnt spend that amount of money of camping gear without my partner agreeing to it.

It sounds like you are trying to force him to do something that he never signed up for.

Invite a friend and kids and you will have a fantastic time. I do this yearly with my daughter and her friend (and her Mum comes along).

We have a big tent and it is relatively easy to put up but, maybe sell your one if you can't put it up and buy an easier one.

X

I think there are wider issues than camping too - you describe someone that watched you build a cabinet post surgery, that scrolls through his phone while you put up/ pack away a tent, doesn’t say ‘no’ to getting the camping stuff, then doesn’t want to spend time away with you and the DC. He sounds selfish and lazy!

However 1500 is alot on camping gear and for that outlay and the potential of it being used as a family holiday I think I would have got a firm ‘yes I am engaged/ coming’ from DH before purchasing. I hate camping and I have never taken my kid’s camping. I felt it was fine every now and again to say no to something I really could not abide doing. However they have been camping with scouts, and been been glamping, been on lots of holidays, days out etc with us- so they really haven’t missed out.

Hi @Purpleskiesabove . I think this last line hits the nail on he head. People are focusing on the not going camping thing ( which tbh I agree is a bit pathetic, as a parent he should want to give his kids good experiences and help them try new things out, but fair enough not to want to camp if he hates it), but this is just the latest symptom of the fact he is lazy in relation to his family and doesn’t care enough about you or the kids to get involved, be proactive or enthusiast.
It would piss me off and to be honest I would have dumped him years ago, but I think you either accept who he is, disengage and enjoy your kids- they will eventually work out dad is rubbish and that relationship will fade whilst your’s remain strong, or you dump him and move on.

Up to you of course, but you will be less irritated if you mentally accept he’s a lazy shit who doesn’t care enough to do things for the family and drop the rope. Equally I’d stop doing stuff for/ that is important to him- you know where his priorities lie so behave accordingly.

Stop forcing him to be a stereotype.

Why did you built a tv unit the day you came out of the hospital. Why did it need to happen that same day?

Your husband doesn't seem involved in family life, but you two aren't exactly a team either. You don't make joint decisions. You make decisions and expect everyone to be happy and fall enthousiactically in line.

You're also a bit of a marter. You deliberately make choices that make things difficult for yourself and expect others to bail you out and are unhappy when they don't jump at the chance to help you out of your self inflicted difficulties.

My mom was a lot like you and it only got worse as she got older. It made us all miserable. Why not find common ground and enjoy each other's company in the way you can all enjoy? Serious, what else is a family for?

Why are you with him then?

I'm team DH on this one tbh. From the wording of your post at least, it sounds like something you have forced upon him with no real discussion. Rather than spending £1500 on a tent you could have gone to one of those pre set up sites to test it as a family, maybe then he'd have had a chance to voice his opinion before you'd spent all that money and made assumptions.

I hate camping, have no interest in it whatsoever, no I won't suck it up for the kids, I do enough for them. If DH wanted to buy a tent and take them camping, grand, he can crack on. So that's what I think you should do.