To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

I am dubious about the benefits of camping holidays above other types of holidays for children. I detest camping with a passion and would rather not go on holiday at all if it involved sleeping under canvas. Fortunately my husband has a similar dim view of it so it was never an issue. My children were in guides and scouts as they grew older and went on camping trips then, which gave them the experience of camping and we could enjoy family holidays in B and Bs, which has always been our preferred type of holiday. I am Team Husband on this one. This is your passion not his.

When you first posted I assumed this was your only family holiday but you have two a year, so you are getting family time.
You are trying to impose something on your DH that he doesn’t want to do, which he is perfectly entitled to object to.
£1500 is a also huge amount to spend on something you’ve never tried before. I bought a £50 tent for our first trip as I wasn’t sure if we’d like camping. I’d be upset if my DH spent that amount.
As for safety, I’m not sure where you think you’ll be camping that you wouldn’t be safe. Don’t use that to emotionally blackmail him.
To sum up, you are being entirely unreasonable and don’t actually sound as if you like your DH much.

You couldn't pay me enough to go camping!

And my kids/grandkids wouldn't like it either!

Clearly not your husband's thoughts

Why on earth didn't you discuss it first if you wanted him involved?

Though when he DID go he should have helped. He's very rude and ignorant

Why are you with him? Why put up with someone who doesn't care?

That's inexcusable?

And ... like the tent and camping ... building a tv unit when just out of hospital was your choice. Don't make decisions about what you do and then blame someone else for not doing it. The TV could have sat on the floor, or on the box the unit came in.

Sounds more like the issue is you have a husband who didn’t care for you when you left hospital, doesn’t help around the house, expects you to do all of the planning and running around for the family, doesn’t value family time, doesn’t plan things for the kids. He might work for himself but he sounds like a lazy partner and father. I’m also no camper myself, can’t think of much worse, but if my child wanted to go I’d absolutely give it a good crack and we’d no doubt have a hilarious time as a family with a number of mishaps (assuming we’d get the tent up!) and that’s part of the experience.

Camping without him is probably far easier and enjoyable as I’d be getting frustrated seeing him sat there scrolling on his phone whilst I actually engaged with the kids.

Get a smaller pole tent.
Take your lovely kids away and make fantastic memories.
He will never change.

@Purpleskiesabove

I just feel that he should have more regard for us - but maybe not, judging by quite a few of the comments.

But he doesn't. And you've gone along with that

Why?

This is nothing to do with camping. It's the utter disregard he has for you all

This for me. You seemed to have proceeded without any real commitment or enthusiasm from him, just expected him to be on board. Or that how your post reads to me. I wouldn’t be up for this either, and it obviously isn’t for him.

I dont get the bit about safety and him /not/ being concearned about it.

Arsehole! And what is this 'my money, 'his money' business?

I have one of these tents. Get yourself a trolley to put it in. The radio flyer fabric ones fit these tent in easily if you take the fabric off. Quite a few on marketplace. They're super easy to put up on your own as they're inflatable which is why I bought one as a single mum. Then stick the fabric back on the trolley and bring everything to the tent. I do it multiple times a year on my own with kids. It is heavy but I've always managed to lift and roll it into the boot. If you're not able to do that maybe get a smaller tent?

Did you ask him to help?

So why are you in a relationship with a man who can’t put your or the kids first and is not part of your team?

what on earth does he contribute? He sounds abysmal and you sound lonely. You deserve a partner in every sense.

If my DH spent nearly £2000 on something we weren’t both exceptionally enthusiastic about I would have a big problem. It does sound like he’s being railroaded into something he actively doesn’t want to do. Is there a martyr thing going on? Can’t imagine a TV unit needed built urgently that day following a surgery, it probs could have waited? There’s a lot of chat about safety and protection too - if the guy is so lazy and undynamic that he doesn’t even help put up a tent why do you think he’s going to leap into protection mode urgently at the hint of a risk? Sex doesn’t define safety in all situations - my mum always said she worried more about my DB who was quite naive and without much fight in him, whereas she didn’t fancy anyone’s chances who went for me 😅

Its so sad that none of the children in your family would enjoy camping. If children are raised with it, most of them benefit from it hugely.

As a teacher, you can often discern which are the camping children in a class, they are often calmer, less materialistic, less reliant on screens, more imaginative, less materialistic and more confident and appreciative.

Obviously, this is a generalisation, and some of this is more about the type of families that go camping rather than the effect of camping, for example, I expect families that are prepared to go off grid for a few days are less screen-dependent anyway, but I really think camping helps a lot with behaviour and development, as well as most children love it.

Its the sense of adventure, setting up your home in a constant series of new places, with new surroundings and new neighbours, as well as the challenge and confidence that comes from being a little bit self reliant, able to build a fire, set up a tent, etc, and the other skills and teamwork you use.

Evenings spent with a pack of cards, or travel yahzee, learning the calls of the birds, tracking deer, experience of big storms under canvas, cooking on the beach, these are all such fond memories.

My children are adult now. I still camp regularly, and they sometimes come with me. One went to a festival recently, with a group of 4 friends, and showed them how to set up, and how to live in a tent - they had an amazing time

Don’t blame him, I can think of much more pleasant ways to spend family time than camping.

I hated camping since childhood, fortunately never had to and cannot imagine being persuaded into it as an adult.
Don't try to pressure another adult to do what they don't want to do, it will eventually backfire.

What about caravan clubs would he sleep in a caravan, and the kids could put up a tent. Some ppl like camper vans but they are cosy not much space. But putting them in a scouts sound a good idea.

I was going to say you were unreasonable but after reading all your posts, I would be rather annoyed. You do everything to make the children's childhood fun as well as all the manual stuff in life- apart from his business- what does he contribute? You might as well be a single parent.

I am not fan of camping but have been in the past for DH and kids. Due to ill health I can't really do it anymore but have offered to go because it's making memories.

I'm with your dh on this one, shouldn't have bought such a large tent without a lot of discussion

This. Sitting watching you do all the work is horrendous. I'd be thinking I could go it alone completely from now on. The update re your operation, puts this all in perspective. (Though the job could have waited I'm sure - were you being a martyr?)

I wouldn't go camping - couldn't think of anything worse for a 'holiday'

YABU because you seem to have gone ahead with buying the tent with no discussion with your husband