To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

You keep repeating the phrase "I can't see why he won't do it for the benefit of his children"...

You're right, but that's also a guilt trip (literally).

You said above there's generally an excuse as he prioritises the business, so why didn't you factor that in?

"Hi hubby, I am interested in camping. Is this your thing? I am going to spend 1500 on equipment. Is this an acceptable amount to you? (Families usually discuss spends over x amount, and that would probably be above most family's thresholds). Would you want camp? Can we book time when you CAN make it, as usually you're busy with clients...

You didn't do that. You mentioned camping to him, didn't get a response, spent lots on the equipment and are now basically saying "if you loved your children, you'd do this for them because I decided for you".

This, OP. There is nothing on earth that would make me go camping, and you rather imposed this on your DH. He's allowed to not want to do it!

Why would you build a TV cabinet the day of discharge? You chose to that. It didn’t need doing that day.
He might be useless (then that begs the question why did you expect anything else) but you are making choices then using them as proof of how awful he is.

You don’t think you are unsafe, but you want him to think you are so he goes along with your wishes.

If that’s the dynamic then it’s not surprising he doesn’t do much.

I hate camping especially with children. I was forced on a week's long camping trip once and it was awful. I will glamp at a push.

If you spent that amount of money surely you discussed whether he'd come with you? Why on earth would you spend that amount of money before testing out whether you both enjoyed it? I think YABU.

@Purpleskiesabove I think your H sees the DC, the house and pretty much everything as "your job".

He is building his business all in his name I assume at your expense and you get zero reward for it.

Clearly the DC are your hobby and job in one. You should bring them up how he says (no screen time) but he doesn't parent.

When your DC are older teens and then fly the nest what will your life look like?

Think carefully how much longer you are going to carry the passenger in your family.

Divorce him - after getting some serious proof of his income.

Teach the kids how to pitch the tent with you (or for you...) and take it down. Part of camping is learning to pitch and tidy up again!

If your husband didn't want to go camping and wasn't keen on buying expensive camping equipment (regardless of who purchased it), he should have spoken up. You have been excited about it, told him of your plans, and he didn't object. However, did you at any point during your conversation with him, say 'would you be interested in going on a camping holiday, with the kids'? Communication here is the issue, he hasn't spoken up and you didn't actually ask him! I personally wouldn't have rushed out and purchased a tent and all the other camping equipment, spending a huge amount of money, on something that might not be used much. It may have been better to have borrowed, bought items that were cheaper or purchased second-hand. Camping is not for everyone! I camped many moons ago in my 20's, now closer to 50, there's no chance! Hell would freeze over before my husband went camping! As for your husband not helping when you did go away, that is totally out of order - he was there, he needed to pull his weight. My husband also hates DIY, but he'd never sit back and let me pack away by myself. You can't force someone to like camping. Take the children by yourself and then perhaps pick a family holiday, that suits everyone.

Having read your updates, although I still think YABU about camping I do think your DP sounds awful in general.

YANBU. Camping is a side issue here. You don't seem that compatible in interests with DH. He seems to have checked out.

I've never tried the type of tent you have described but if it's the right one for you after research that's all good. We have changed tents over the years as kids have got older. Kit is more compact, lighter and manageable for one adult. Also no need for the huge atrium space on case it rains etc as they get older ...

I think it’s sad he doesn’t want to, but you aren’t going to change him and the sooner you recognize that fact, the better, as it will allow you to make decisions based on what he’s really like, rather than what you wish he was. You are never going to change him. You need to work out from there whether your life will be better with him or without.

If he has other redeeming qualities (bringing in money without complaint, for example) and doesn’t negatively impact your life with the children by being abusive, then perhaps the way forward is to build your own life within the marriage. Buy a tent you can manage yourself and take the children camping. Find friends and build yourself a good social life, taking time away from the children and leaving them with him (assuming he doesn’t block that).

But if he is negatively impacting your life and being married to him means you cannot have a life of your own that you find satisfying, then maybe you need to start thinking about finding a way out.

My grandmother did the former, back in the days when leaving your marriage wasn’t really an option. I think she had a decent enough life and when he died, she had a great social life without him. She was comfortably off with the money he had earned, while she raised the children.

I left mine, because he was also abusive to our children and had alcohol problems, but leaving has left me financially worse off and, had I been able to stay, I think my life would have been easier in some ways.

But ultimately that is your decision, I think. There’s not much point in constant frustration over what he’s like. He is unlikely to change. You just have to decide what you want to do in the face of what he is like.

Just go by yourself. Don’t contact him. Have a great time. Sounds like you are practically a single parent anyway.

You don't like your husband, do you? My guess is he has worked that out, and accordingly does not fancy being cooped up in a tent with you and the kids you use as a stick to beat him with.

Its arsehole behaviour buying the tent and equipment and expecting him to go. You didn't ask if he'd want to do it and it's not for him.
I've been with my husband 25 years and it works because we don't expect each other to do stuff we don't want to. I want to go to ne York and he doesn't...so il book it for me and my 9 yer old.
Just make memories with your kid on your own.

YABU. I have no desire to go comparing, and I'd be furious if my husband spent a ton of money on over the top equipment and tried to guilt trip me into it.

If the only reason to go camping is because the DC fancy it, why the fuck did you spend £1500 on a 40kg tent? Why could a couple of hundred on a pop up tent not have sufficed? Fair enough to invest that if it's a whole family interest and you all want to go often, but just to satisfy an occasional trip that only the kids want to do? You're mental.

Also, you say "I kept talking about it and he never said no" but that's irrelevant. He clearly also never enthusiastically said yes either, which is what needs to happen before you commit so much money to a plan. "Well you never actually said no" is the argument of someone who knows they have steamrollered someone into something they don't want.

and YABU to frame this as an issue over camping. Your marriage is clearly in trouble for a host of other reasons. You’re going to keep causing petty drama and fights about small issues when really you need to get a grip and deal with the main issue properly.

It sounds like this is not about camping! If he slept in the tent then he should have helped pack it away whether he likes camping or not! He is leaving to you take responsibility and put the effort in to give your kids a few nice holidays. He will probably enjoy the the child free time while you are away camping and you are right to be annoyed. We all do things that we find a bit boring to give our children a nice time.

I think op is being unreasonable and sounds a bit spoilt.

She goes on two long haul family holidays a year ...! But insists her dh never spends time with the family.

That's already plenty of family holiday time but she wants them all to go camping a "few" times a year as well.

Gosh. Dh and I are comfortably off but we've never been on two abroad holidays a year let alone long haul. We have maximum one abroad holiday a year, nearly always short haul, and I thought that was already fab.

And I'm never going camping with the family (I've always said it's a no from me to camping or skiing.) Never. When the kids are old enough, DH can take them on his own or with the PILs.

Op is being so unreasonable to use various manipulative tactics to force her dh to go camping. Guilt tripping him "won't you do this for the kids? Don't you care about our safety?" If her safety were in danger which it isn't, that's purely because she made this decision to go camping in the first place.

YANBU he sounds like a selfish arse. If he’d said that unfortunately he didn’t enjoy it but he’s happy to come on day 1 and day 4 to help you pitch/ put away, or if he was suggesting a different holiday then I’d understand, but he’s not. I think I’d be saying that unless he finds and books a holiday of equivalent length which everyone will enjoy he comes camping at least for some of the time and to help you. Either that or he can forget about family holidays and you’ll just be going on a mini break without him and he can take some time off and occupy several disappointed kids.

Honestly I think you’d be better off without him he sounds like a useless fun sponge. I’d say that these days 80% of my time off including holidays is spent doing things which I wouldn’t choose myself, but I do them because it makes me happy that my kids are happy.

I dislike camping and I would never go camping just because someone else chose to buy a very expensive tent without first asking me if I would go camping with them. In fact I would be annoyed if my partner spent £1.5k on a tent, and then tried to use their bad decision to make me do something I do not like doing.

Yes, YABU to expect your DH to come on a second camping trip when he has shown absolutely no interest in camping and didn’t enjoy the first trip.

But this sounds like it’s just a manifestation of some deep dissatisfaction with the relationship (which is valid) and that’s driving you to be rather passive aggressive and almost nonsensical in how you’re talking about it all. You made a large purchase with plans for multiple family trips and kept bringing it up as something you were thinking about/doing with your money but at no point said “DH, I’d like to invest in some camping equipment and go on some family trips with the kids. What do you think? Will you come with us?” This is a bizarre lack of communication in a marriage. He says he doesn’t want to join in further trips after not enjoying the first and you say ok no problem but then you’re actually resentful. You’re angry he isn’t taking your wants into account but you’re acting with no regard to his. You’re telling us you’re happy to go alone with the DC, but also you’re very angry he’s not going. You feel perfectly safe to go without him but for some inexplicable reason he’s supposed to override your assessment and insist it’s too dangerous. You’re choosing to build an entertainment center the day of surgery (something that simply was not necessary) then hanging onto anger that he let you make that choice. You’re upset he won’t make time for family trips but also you go on two long-haul family trips per year and also these two long trips are somehow evidence he’s being unreasonable to not take additional time for a weeklong camping trip.

This isn’t productive - it’s not going to create meaningful change in him so all you’re doing is creating new resentments for yourself. You’re going to have to tackle the underlying issues directly, so I’d insist on couple’s counseling and start figuring out what you need to stay in this marriage.

All of this 👏

I couldn't stay with a selfish prick like this.

When I was married to my first H,we went camping small tent, even with DC in nappies. It was the only way we could afford a holiday.. but we got a quick pop up tent, not a monster like yours. Second DH would stick pins in his eyes before going under canvas.

You are being ridiculous. You are not concerned for your safety but you are not happy because he is also not concerned for your safety. He doesn’t need to be concerned, you are going to camp sites not wild camping.

Air beam tents are great,yes they are large but so spacious.We took 4 grandchildren away many times.The children all pitched in and had fun they still talk about it.This is not your problem.The problem is your DH and that is what all this is about not the camping.Are you actually happy with being with him it doesn’t seem like it.That is your decision.Is this the life you want for your children and off course yourself? Good luck in the mean time go camping have fun maybe ask a friend and other children to come with you.

Also it's fine for people, men or women, not to be into DIY. I have no interest in putting up a tent or TV cabinet. I am very willing to pay a handyman or whoever to do this for me, if my amazing FIL doesn't offer first.

No way would I accuse my dh of being a lazy slob or anything else because he's not into DIY either.

I don't see that op's dh is a lazy slob, or even a workaholic. He goes on two long haul holidays a year with the family. He evidently works hard enough to afford long haul holidays.

Not wanting to lift heavy tents during your precious time off doesn't make you lazy.

My husband wouldn’t be concerned about my safety, but he would come along because we’re a family and he’s part of it (plus also would for his own weird purposes need to do stuff like pack the car and the tent, because apparently I’m too slapdash 😂). I think you’re trying to explain that your husband is opting out of family life as much as he can, and I’d have a huge problem with that if I were you. You’re not being unreasonable at all as it’s not just camping, it’s everything and that can’t be easy.