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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to come with us?

444 replies

Purpleskiesabove · 31/07/2024 23:35

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

OP posts:
Mainats · 01/08/2024 10:28

Yalta · 01/08/2024 10:21

This isn’t about your DH not going camping with you or that you spent £1500 on a tent. The problem is that this tent has brought to the surface all the things that are wrong in your marriage

Someone used the word bachelor upthread. This is how he feels. He has the wife and kids to look normal married man to the outside world but his feelings are that he is a single and renting a room from a friend. The house, kids etc are nothing to do with him. How his friend and children live their lives he doesn’t get involved with, what needs doing around the house is nothing to do with him unless it is something that he enjoys.

Very telling how he keeps finances separate. Like he thinks his precious business, bank account, savings, investments and pension all have his name on them so they are his and his alone

I think questions have to be asked about what you are getting out of this marriage that you wouldn’t get if you were a single mum.
Remember financially that even his business has a value that is considered a marital asset and the starting point is 50/50
Emotionally carrying this deadweight around, having to plan and ask him about coming with you on holidays or day trips
You would have the freedom to decide on a Friday morning to go away for the weekend pack the car and when collecting dc from school you just leave for your weekend away

This is getting all your ducks in a row and seeing a solicitor time and really deciding what you want and how you see your life in 5,10,20 years and asking Will everything stay the same or will it get worse

Fwiw I have a lot of single mum friends and whilst they say it is hard work being a single mum it was even harder being a single mum with a DH who lived with them. Having to take account of this other persons needs and wants as well as dc and the house etc left no time for them

Removing just this one person gave them freedom and so much more time

Show quote history

100%

Grammarnut · 01/08/2024 10:30

I think this whole event is a red flag for you about your relationship. DH does not want to participate in family events, holidays. Why are you with him?

IMBCRound2 · 01/08/2024 10:31

I appreciate you’ve already spent the money but why not get a normal sized tent? I’m a solo mum who camps regularly with my little one and I can’t imagine flaffling with a big tent. It’s literally mind boggling to me how much time people spend packing up/down! I’m fairly certain my child would have disappeared into the wilderness if I flaffed that much.

msr tent - was about £500 and goes up in under 5 minutes with a bit of practice . Weighs nothing as it’s a backpacking tent. It’s my pride and joy.

MrsKeats · 01/08/2024 10:36

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 31/07/2024 23:38

If DH spent £1500 on camping equipment and then both expected me to go camping and be happy about it I'd be very annoyed. Camping is a lot of hassle and not much fun. Usually couples discuss things before making large purchases or planning holidays.

I agree with this.

FrenchandSaunders · 01/08/2024 10:37

He sounds a misery. He could do a couple of nights, kids aren't young for long, they'll soon be off doing their own thing.

Despite us also doing fab foreign holidays, my adult DDs still reminisce the most about our camping trips. The freedom kids have on a campsite is second to none.

HucklefinBerry · 01/08/2024 10:39

@Purpleskiesabove

I’ve not once demanded. I made it clear in the post that I’m happy and confident to go alone. I just feel that he should show some sort of concern about our safety - but clearly not.
Your definition of demand is clearly different from mine

You bought something too big to manage on your own. You also don't feel safe camping on your own. So obviously you expected 100% that DH would toe the line and do what you want

That's demanding.

The dc might like camping but that doesn't mean your dh should therefore go camping. What if they wanted to go scuba diving or mountain climbing or some other activity you found just awful?

Shouldbedoing · 01/08/2024 10:40

OP, I think you need to make sure you know absolutely everything about your husband's self employed income, because sooner or later you will have had enough of carrying the entire family, and you will need those details for a child maintenance claim. He reminds me of my ExH. Not a family man, at all.

GoFigure235 · 01/08/2024 10:42

I don't know why people are fixating on the 'safe/not safe' point. What the OP really wants is for her husband to care about her, her wellbeing, how she is feeling and what she is experiencing. Which he doesn't.

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 10:42

UPDATE
(it’s easier to do one post than reply to lots of similar individual comments)

Who pays for the luxury holidays?
Either I do, or it’s split 50/50. Despite him earning a CONSIDERABLE amount more than me. Either I pay for the holiday or suggest 50/50 or we don’t go as he’ll never suggest to take the time away from work. He’s all for the luxury holiday, 5 star hotel, the image that goes with it when people know where he’s been. He would never tell people I paid for it though. There was quite a lot of assumptions from posters that DH works so much to afford to pay for our luxury holidays - when this actually isn’t the case.

Why wasn’t there a full discussion before the purchase of the tent?
Because this is how a lot of things end up going for us. He has no enthusiasm or interest in doing anything that isn’t work, work related or a paid for/50% paid for luxury holiday by me. I have to make the suggestions and then just go for it or it doesn’t happen. He’ll never give me a concrete answer on anything. I’m fed up of never doing the things that DC and I want to so because DH isn’t interested.

Why spend £1500 on equipment without DH’s agreement?
Because it’s my disposable income. I can use that to spend on what I wish. I’ve worked extra to ensure that I can fund it. I shouldn’t have to consult DH before spending my disposable income.

Why not buy a smaller, lighter tent?
because I know that I can pitch this big one and put it down myself. After lots of research, I felt that this particular one would be best for myself and for the benefit of the family. I also wanted to do things properly from the start to ensure that we did like it… buying a small, cheap tent wouldn’t give the same style of camping that I intended to create. I knew that the majority of the time it would just be me and DC camping, so I know that I can do it. It’d just be nice to have DH’s help instead of him just sat watching me do it all because he has no interest.

Family time…
yes we have 2 long haul holidays per year, but because DH is reluctant to take more than 1 week off work at a time, they actually are only 1 week holidays each. He doesn’t then take any other holiday throughout the rest of the year. He also chooses to work on DC’s birthdays. So realistically, he takes 2 weeks annual leave per year. And that’s only because he’s choosing to lie around a 5* luxury hotels pool. I don’t think 2 weeks per year “family time” is ample? It’s not 4 weeks like some assumed.

Guilt tripping him…
I’ve not once guilt tripped him, like lots of posters are suggesting. I asked him to come for the coastal break, he said he didn’t want to go camping, I said “okay. Me and DC will go anyway.” And that was the end of it. At what point have I guilt tripped him? I’ve posted about my feelings and thoughts since this conversation. I’m not going to force anyone/manipulate/guilt trip anyone into doing something they don’t want to do. However I thought that my feelings of disappointment would be valid considering his lack of effort that he puts into prioritising us? But maybe not judging by a lot of responses.

Being a martyr..
This has never once crossed my mind. I never realised that I would come across as a martyr. I do the things I do because DH refuses to do anything that he has no interest in doing; irrespective of the impact/effect on others. So I’ve always lived by the saying of “if you want something doing, then do it yourself” otherwise it would never get done. Yes I get on and do things, no I don’t guilt trip him about it, but yes it does bother me sometimes because to me it shows a lack of care, respect and kindness if he’s happy to leave me to do X, Y and Z just because he’s not interested/can’t be bothered to learn how to do something.

Does DH work more hours than me?
No. I work more hours. I’m not going to explain my profession as i want try to remain as anonymous possible in case someone I know reads this. My working hours are quite unconventional. But if you add in paid hours worked, hours spent studying, hours spent running around after the kids - running them to activities/clubs etc, I work a CONSIDERABLE amount more than him. My daily life is chaotic and stressful. His is the complete opposite.

I know a lot of you couldn’t think of anything worse than going camping, but I see the benefits for DC and our family.

OP posts:
Edingril · 01/08/2024 10:43

So you decided to spend a lot of money that someone else has to put up and because they don't want too that is now their problem?

It is not the same as spending your own money on an expensive handbag

ClivetheDestroyer · 01/08/2024 10:44

We are actually in a very similar position! Just did our first camping trip with the kids, DH isn't a fan of camping but thought it was OK... I've been trying to get him to go for our entire marriage (over 10 years)

I'm thinking of doing a longer trip next summer, and honestly will probably suggest that DH doesn't go and I will team up with a friend and her son (similar age to mine). He probably would come if I asked him to but he doesn't love it and I don't want to listen to him moan about being uncomfortable and tired and hot etc. I think I'll have more fun with my friend!

I also bought a huge tent (although second hand so under £200) and have decided that it's only really worth camping for at least a week as it takes so long to set everything up.

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 10:46

CantDealwithChristmas · 01/08/2024 09:53

i probably should add that we do have 2, what would probably be classed as “luxury”, long haul holidays per year - and we still have one to look forward to this year.

Wow that's fantastic and more than most people can afford. Presumably this is paid for from the business he puts 'before everything' as you put it. In which case perhaps the real discussion is about what you as a family want more - big long haul holidays or him being more involved in day to day life?

I would start with that OP, not the camping which as I said I think is symptomatic of your genuine resentment.

Show quote history

No, actually I pay for the abroad holidays or we pay 50/50 despite him earning a considerable amount more than me.

OP posts:
Mainats · 01/08/2024 10:47

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 10:42

UPDATE
(it’s easier to do one post than reply to lots of similar individual comments)

Who pays for the luxury holidays?
Either I do, or it’s split 50/50. Despite him earning a CONSIDERABLE amount more than me. Either I pay for the holiday or suggest 50/50 or we don’t go as he’ll never suggest to take the time away from work. He’s all for the luxury holiday, 5 star hotel, the image that goes with it when people know where he’s been. He would never tell people I paid for it though. There was quite a lot of assumptions from posters that DH works so much to afford to pay for our luxury holidays - when this actually isn’t the case.

Why wasn’t there a full discussion before the purchase of the tent?
Because this is how a lot of things end up going for us. He has no enthusiasm or interest in doing anything that isn’t work, work related or a paid for/50% paid for luxury holiday by me. I have to make the suggestions and then just go for it or it doesn’t happen. He’ll never give me a concrete answer on anything. I’m fed up of never doing the things that DC and I want to so because DH isn’t interested.

Why spend £1500 on equipment without DH’s agreement?
Because it’s my disposable income. I can use that to spend on what I wish. I’ve worked extra to ensure that I can fund it. I shouldn’t have to consult DH before spending my disposable income.

Why not buy a smaller, lighter tent?
because I know that I can pitch this big one and put it down myself. After lots of research, I felt that this particular one would be best for myself and for the benefit of the family. I also wanted to do things properly from the start to ensure that we did like it… buying a small, cheap tent wouldn’t give the same style of camping that I intended to create. I knew that the majority of the time it would just be me and DC camping, so I know that I can do it. It’d just be nice to have DH’s help instead of him just sat watching me do it all because he has no interest.

Family time…
yes we have 2 long haul holidays per year, but because DH is reluctant to take more than 1 week off work at a time, they actually are only 1 week holidays each. He doesn’t then take any other holiday throughout the rest of the year. He also chooses to work on DC’s birthdays. So realistically, he takes 2 weeks annual leave per year. And that’s only because he’s choosing to lie around a 5* luxury hotels pool. I don’t think 2 weeks per year “family time” is ample? It’s not 4 weeks like some assumed.

Guilt tripping him…
I’ve not once guilt tripped him, like lots of posters are suggesting. I asked him to come for the coastal break, he said he didn’t want to go camping, I said “okay. Me and DC will go anyway.” And that was the end of it. At what point have I guilt tripped him? I’ve posted about my feelings and thoughts since this conversation. I’m not going to force anyone/manipulate/guilt trip anyone into doing something they don’t want to do. However I thought that my feelings of disappointment would be valid considering his lack of effort that he puts into prioritising us? But maybe not judging by a lot of responses.

Being a martyr..
This has never once crossed my mind. I never realised that I would come across as a martyr. I do the things I do because DH refuses to do anything that he has no interest in doing; irrespective of the impact/effect on others. So I’ve always lived by the saying of “if you want something doing, then do it yourself” otherwise it would never get done. Yes I get on and do things, no I don’t guilt trip him about it, but yes it does bother me sometimes because to me it shows a lack of care, respect and kindness if he’s happy to leave me to do X, Y and Z just because he’s not interested/can’t be bothered to learn how to do something.

Does DH work more hours than me?
No. I work more hours. I’m not going to explain my profession as i want try to remain as anonymous possible in case someone I know reads this. My working hours are quite unconventional. But if you add in paid hours worked, hours spent studying, hours spent running around after the kids - running them to activities/clubs etc, I work a CONSIDERABLE amount more than him. My daily life is chaotic and stressful. His is the complete opposite.

I know a lot of you couldn’t think of anything worse than going camping, but I see the benefits for DC and our family.

Tldr: Woman describes horrific marriage. Makes it all about a tent.

betterangels · 01/08/2024 10:47

Based on that last update, why you stay is completely beyond me. And camping won't benefit anyone if husband doesn't want to be there.

GoFigure235 · 01/08/2024 10:49

Does your husband have any good points at all?

GoFigure235 · 01/08/2024 10:51

It’d just be nice to have DH’s help instead of him just sat watching me do it all because he has no interest.

What do you say at this point? Because the words coming out of my mouth would be "Get your lazy arse off that seat and come and lend a hand!".

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 10:52

Persiancouscous · 01/08/2024 09:38

I was going to say you were unreasonable but after reading all your posts, I would be rather annoyed. You do everything to make the children's childhood fun as well as all the manual stuff in life- apart from his business- what does he contribute? You might as well be a single parent.

I am not fan of camping but have been in the past for DH and kids. Due to ill health I can't really do it anymore but have offered to go because it's making memories.

I really feel that I do try my best to give the DC the best childhood, give them experiences and memories. I feel that it’s all on me and if I didn’t make the effort, then they wouldn’t have what they do as DH wouldn’t make any effort.

OP posts:
Brainded · 01/08/2024 10:52

Mainats · 01/08/2024 10:47

Tldr: Woman describes horrific marriage. Makes it all about a tent.

Edited
Show quote history

This! @Purpleskiesabove my situation was similar in that I never felt my opinion mattered or my priorities mattered, similar in that the communication was shocking but different in that the examples were different …I left. I’m better for it!

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 10:56

Equivo · 01/08/2024 08:44

You say you have two long haul holidays a year - so it's not that he refuses to go on holiday as a family at all (in fact two long haul holidays/year is more than most get) so how much time is he actually taking off his business per year? Are you the kind of nightmare person who thinks that because someone is self employed that means they're always available?

Do you work?

I’m absolutely not that type of person. I have made sacrifices in every area of my life so that DH can run his business. I never ask or expect him not to work unless there’s good reason.

he takes 2 weeks off his business per year. Far less than most. If you read my recent update, I’ve explained further.

I do work. And I actually work an awful lot more than he does.

OP posts:
Chocolateorange22 · 01/08/2024 10:58

I'm afraid the issue I think is your marriage. Sounds like he is completely switched off unless it's something of benefit to him. I'd imagine he is the same on the 5* AI? He is allowed to say he didn't like camping and didn't want to go again but I don't think there was any enthusiasm there to begin with. If DH said he wanted to take our DC to an AI in a hot country then I'd go. It's not my kind of holiday and I absolutely detest sun and hot weather but I'd make an effort at least. Id hide in the shade with board games, watch any resting kids and make do basically.

We are a camping family so a little skewed compared to most posters here. Took the kids away for the weekend in our monster tent this year (first time with them, they are 3&5). They had a fantastic time, hard work putting it up and down but the memories are priceless for us. They are still talking about it from nearly two months ago. If it's something you want to do with the kids just crack on.

In regards to safety I don't think I've ever felt unsafe on a site. We've never gone wild camping or anything like that. Sites are generally secure and if you go for the family friendly ones for the school holidays you definitely won't have issues as a lone woman. I am thinking about taking the eldest away next year for a girls camping weekend with my smaller tent and my husband has absolutely no qualms about our safety. He actively encourages us to go.

Bbq1 · 01/08/2024 10:58

The camping trip is a red herring. There's bigger things at play in this relationship than dh's refusal to go camping.

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 11:02

HollyKnight · 01/08/2024 06:31

I think a lot of people here don't understand what it is like to be married to a workaholic. This man has no interest in having family time. He doesn't care about spending quality time with his children. He and his business is what comes first, second, and third. If he does decide to take a break from work, it will be to do something that he wants to do because only what he wants matters to him.

You're not wrong to be disappointed about this, OP. Your poor children have a father who doesn't care about building a relationship or having experiences with them. Personally, I don't think I could be/stay with someone like that, but I don't know your financial circumstances so you might not have much choice. In that case, keep doing what you are doing. Give your children these experiences. They will look back one day and remember the fun they had with you, but also that their father was not part of it because he put work and himself before everything else. That's not your fault. You can't make him care about family.

This is how I feel. Thank you for understanding.

OP posts:
CantDealwithChristmas · 01/08/2024 11:03

Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 10:46

No, actually I pay for the abroad holidays or we pay 50/50 despite him earning a considerable amount more than me.

Show quote history

Is that because he puts his earnings back in the business tho whereas you are PAYE with more disposable?

Either way it's only relevant as to the value of his business and whether he has no choice but to work very hard or whether he doesn't need to but chooses to as you said upthread. I am a small business owner and I know all too well that it sucks up way more time than the strict day-to-day management alone.

Your behaviour in trying to corrall him cmaping was unreasonable but also I think symptomatic of your deeper resentment about his input into family life. And I think the only way forward is to discuss properly whether he can/wants to take some of that time back from the business and put it into the family. And what that rebalancing would ideally look like for both of you.

You need to get to the heart of the matter, not fight a proxy war with tents, because it won't achieve anything and just buuild up further resentment on both sides.

Cas112 · 01/08/2024 11:07

Some people like camping, some people don't. It's quite a niche thing. You can't just buy a tent and demand he doesn't something he doesn't want to😂

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 01/08/2024 11:12

GoFigure235 · 01/08/2024 10:51

It’d just be nice to have DH’s help instead of him just sat watching me do it all because he has no interest.

What do you say at this point? Because the words coming out of my mouth would be "Get your lazy arse off that seat and come and lend a hand!".

If I did, I’d get a mouth full, it would be more effort than it was worth and it would ruin the whole trip because he’d be in a strop with me about “the way I spoke to him”!

But how I would love to!

OP posts: