To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

I don’t think you can complain about his focus on his business when he is already taking two holidays a year. He does take time out of his business but he also has to put time into it in order to help pay for these holidays. Owning a business is really stressful.

To reiterate others’ arguments: lots of people don’t like camping. I absolutely don’t and never felt an obligation to cave in to my children’s wishes on every single occasion. We’ve done lots of other things that we have all enjoyed.

I grant that when your DH did go camping with you he should have helped with the lifting. My DH absolutely would have done, no question. But to want him to worry about your safety, when you’re at an established campsite with facilities? I think if he really worried, rather than coming with you, he’d be more likely to insist you didn’t go at all, and that would be a whole other post.

I wouldn't stop my husband from buying camping equipment if he wanted it, and I'd have no problem with him taking our kid camping, but I wouldn't expect to be told that I had to come if I didn't want to.

On reading more of this it seems that the more people disagreed with you the more you added in examples of his ‘bad-husbandliness’ to back you up.

You are going have to find ways to compromise and give and take.

What happens if he says he’s taking you all mud-snorkelling or a fun book-keeping weekend as it will be a lovely experience for the kids?

Spot on

He sounds like a selfish twat from the extra info youve given.
It's one thing not to like camping.. it's another to completely disengage from family life and just leave it all up to your wife.

Yes this sounds like the true source of resentment - the camping is just a symptom.

i probably should add that we do have 2, what would probably be classed as “luxury”, long haul holidays per year - and we still have one to look forward to this year.

Wow that's fantastic and more than most people can afford. Presumably this is paid for from the business he puts 'before everything' as you put it. In which case perhaps the real discussion is about what you as a family want more - big long haul holidays or him being more involved in day to day life?

I would start with that OP, not the camping which as I said I think is symptomatic of your genuine resentment.

Camping not my thing either….BUT if my kids were super excited then I’d go and so would my DH. There is no way he’d refuse to go on a family holiday. The amount of kiddified holidays we’ve gone on over the years and discos etc we’ve sat through and family days out even though as adults they’re not our thing.
You’re a family and you make sacrifices for your children. I don’t get the separate finances either, or watching you struggle with stuff…..he sounds like a knob. Sorry OP

As a teacher, you can often discern which are the camping children in a class, they are often calmer, less materialistic, less reliant on screens, more imaginative, less materialistic and more confident and appreciative.

Sorry but this is total nonsense and I'm also a teacher.

Going outdoors a lot and staying active is good for children in the ways you describe but it is a totally wild stretch that the only way to do that is camping.

As a teacher, you can often discern which are the camping children in a class, they are often calmer, less materialistic, less reliant on screens, more imaginative, less materialistic and more confident and appreciative.

Have a day off, there a lots of ways to build appreciation and less materialistic traits that don't have to include camping, if you're as good a teacher as you seem to think you are, you'd know that. You sound like a close minded, privileged bigot, and not someone I would want "teaching" (judging) my children.

Is your tent big enough to accommodate another family? Can you invite someone else along instead? You could have more fun with a friend than with your DH, from the sound of it, and would get more help. That would be my first choice in your situation. Take your tent and your DC and leave him at home!

It's crap that he's not interested but as others have said, not everyone likes roughing it in the rain or the shared space element. I would talk with him about the why nots, explain you'll need help to get it in the car and just get on with it yourself. 40kg is a big tent but if you can't find a friend you will probably find someone on the campsite who will take pity on you and help out.

Who blows 1500 on a tent when they haven’t been camping before?

Camping is grim, DH iprioritising work is a different matter.

If you can afford 2 long haul holidays a year I don’t know why you’re complaining. Just put the 1500 tent on EBay and get a smaller tent for the kids tomput in the garden. Or go glamping instead.

I think I’ve got to the point where me and DC have been second best (to his business) for far too long and anything that I/we (myself and DC) want to do, always gets pushed aside because DH is “too busy with work”. I’ve lived for far too long with not doing anything for me and DC missing out on certain things because DH “is far too busy” (basically doesn’t want to and doesn’t want to prioritise us), that this time I’ve just thought “sod it - he hasn’t objected, so I’m going to do what we (myself and DC) want to do for once”.

OP, so many of your posts resonate with me. My DH also has his own company, and behaved in similar ways, including leaving jobs undone for years and years (whilst refusing to have someone else come and do them). Like you, he made it clear with his lack of interest in anything else that his business was his only priority, though to be fair we share finances so he wasn't financially abusive. He never wanted to go out and do anything, ever. Never bothered arranging a nice day out together, nothing.

Here's what happened after 20 years: I ended up depressed, and deeply angry and resentful of him. I totally regret the waste of two of the best decades of my life. I also realised he's deeply narcissistic and lacks any empathy whatsoever. He has no interest in his kids, or his grandchildren. I really, really wish I'd left him years ago and hadn't given him the benefit of the doubt so many times. I've pushed for a divorce, but now of course he's changed tack and is trying to make up for his past behaviour, but it's too late. I can never forget how selfish he's been.

I can't say what you should do, but take it from me, this behaviour doesn't get better until you threaten to leave the relationship, taking 50% of his precious fucking business with you.

It's often the case when an OP isn't getting as much 'support' as originally planned then there are follow-up posts making more and more accusations about his unreasonableness!

The good thing about being married is that, unlike your selfish, lazy husband, the divorce court won't treat your finances as separate.

He is exploiting you if you split costs, but he does no housework/childcare/planning.

You should think about starting a different sort of threat, as the camping thing is just a symptom.

As a teacher, you can often discern which are the camping children in a class, they are often calmer, less materialistic, less reliant on screens, more imaginative, less materialistic and more confident and appreciative.

Really? Can't say I've noticed in my teaching career. I do however think that well run Scout groups are the best thing ever for resilience and experience - certainly worked so well for my now adult children that two of them volunteer in their different parts of the country.

I think you need to find a tent that is smaller and lighter, that you can manage, pitch and strike on your own (or involving DCs), but not depending on DH for that.

He may join you for part or all of the trips. But you need to expect that you're doing it solo.

Which is perfectly do-able, once you plan it. So it might mean getting a trolley to move the tent around and getting the DCs to help load it into the car (a smaller one in car pulling and biggest one helping hold it up with you).

Or you might need to trade in the air beam for a lighter tent (probably a pole-style version). Although getting a trolley/wagon is probably a good idea to make it easy for DCs to help get things to the tent and be helpful, go fill the water barrel etc. An ikea type trolley can do the job - but a wagon would be more practical for you - decathlon do reasonably priced versions.

I've done this before. I've been upset about something completely unreasonable because it was "yet another thing". Have a sit down and write down all the things that actually bothers you. Him veing disengaged, making no effort etc. Then have a talk with him about it. Ignore this whole chasing thig and go and enjoy it with your children.

You keep saying he should have regard for your safety. You are basically saying he must go so you are not alone. I hate camping and would be v pissed off if my partner bought a massive tent and emotionally blackmailed me to go along. You should have thought about the size and the safety of going alone before you bought it.

I can't help but agree somewhat with this assessment. The thing with martyrs is that, if you don't join in with their mad hyperactivity, they accuse you of being lazy and checked out. But maybe the activity or task they're making such a big deal of isn't strictly necessary; or doesn't have to be done right at that moment; or it's something you never wanted to do anyway but weren't asked, just blamed when you exercise your autonomy and refuse to do it.

I had such a martyr in my life and literally I finally realised that either I could play their game of competitive martyrdom - which would mean taking on loads of unecessary tasks and wearing myself out for nothing - or just...refuse to play the game. Grey rock. Of course this meant I was falsely accused of being lazy and not pulling my weight, but it was better for all concerned than entering into a stupid mad race with no finish line.

I’m very impressed that you can manage this tent on your own. It sounds a bit like ours and that really needs two of us to do quickly and efficiently. Whilst not all of us enjoy camping I do think your DH should have helped when he was there. I love camping, waking up to the sun shining in, snuggling up at night and amazing breakfasts. If you are worried about security I’d suggest joining the Camping and Caravan Club, loads of beautiful sites in lovely bits of the country. The los and showers are pristine and you can wash up properly. The suggestion to get friends to join you is good too. We have just come back from 3 days camping at WOMAD and there were lots of groups camping around a large gazebo where they ate and sat - lovely.

My idea of hell, as an adult and even when I was a child. I’m with your DH. Your tent, you camp in it if you like.

We love camping and have been on lots of camping holidays with DS now 11. Some campsites are lovely with great facilities. I get your disappointment OP (I would feel the same) but I think there are some wider issues at play here that might need talking through, perhaps with some outside support? It might also be worth thinking about joining up with another parent/family - it helps to have another adult around when camping with children.

This isn’t about your DH not going camping with you or that you spent £1500 on a tent. The problem is that this tent has brought to the surface all the things that are wrong in your marriage

Someone used the word bachelor upthread. This is how he feels. He has the wife and kids to look normal married man to the outside world but his feelings are that he is a single and renting a room from a friend. The house, kids etc are nothing to do with him. How his friend and children live their lives he doesn’t get involved with, what needs doing around the house is nothing to do with him unless it is something that he enjoys.

Very telling how he keeps finances separate. Like he thinks his precious business, bank account, savings, investments and pension all have his name on them so they are his and his alone

I think questions have to be asked about what you are getting out of this marriage that you wouldn’t get if you were a single mum.
Remember financially that even his business has a value that is considered a marital asset and the starting point is 50/50
Emotionally carrying this deadweight around, having to plan and ask him about coming with you on holidays or day trips
You would have the freedom to decide on a Friday morning to go away for the weekend pack the car and when collecting dc from school you just leave for your weekend away

This is getting all your ducks in a row and seeing a solicitor time and really deciding what you want and how you see your life in 5,10,20 years and asking Will everything stay the same or will it get worse

Fwiw I have a lot of single mum friends and whilst they say it is hard work being a single mum it was even harder being a single mum with a DH who lived with them. Having to take account of this other persons needs and wants as well as dc and the house etc left no time for them

Removing just this one person gave them freedom and so much more time

I think your last paragraph in your original post covers your AIBU points 1 and 2.... You say your happy to go on your own but still think he's wrong, uninterested, and unhelpful to not to want to go ensure your safety and help pitch a very large expensive tent....🤷🏼‍♀️ Camping isn't for your husband. It's not for everyone, that's why brownies and cubs are useful in that part of life for the kids.

I think it's more about the actual spending time with family that's difficult to juggle when self employed. It's not about being selfish, unhelpful or disinterested. You say he was just scrolling through the phone, was he perhaps still working?

I think the camping has clouded the real issue, that you’re married to a selfish lazy fucker.