Telling off someone else’s child

[Drummend01]

So this week I have been camping with my boyfriend and his family which includes his brother, SIL and their children. One particular child is known for being quite impulsive and a poor listener. They are 9. The mum, dad, nan, uncles have all made comments about the child’s poor behaviour during the trip.

I lent their family multiple camping items which included a blow up bed that belongs to my parents. The child had been told at the start the beds are for sleeping only, they can pop etc. He was warned by his dad again the following day as he was doing rolly pollys on it. On the third day I watched the child do a big jump on the bed (he was sleeping in a bedroom of our tent) and I said “please don’t jump, you’ve been told already it will pop. If you break it then you can give my parents the money to replace it”

Did not raise my voice, was not being sneaky and hushing my tone, just said it aloud and obviously his parents heard. They did not say anything at the time, dad told the kids to come out of the tents, but SIL was quiet and moody and told my boyfriend later she was annoyed at me and that I shouldn’t tell other peoples children off. Boyfriends mum told her she was being unreasonable and she declared that I could not speak directly to her kids anymore and if I wanted to ask them something I ask her first.

The rest of the camping was a bit awkward, she never said anything directly to me and I considered apologising but boyfriend said it would cause further arguing. They mostly did their own thing from then on.

I feel bad that I’ve caused a rift in the family but I also feel strongly that children should respect things, especially when they belong to someone else. Was I in the right to say something? Or did I overstep?

YANBU. In her place I'd have probably felt irrationally huffy about it too as I hate anyone else telling my kids off but I fully recognise that that's a me problem and I wouldn't let the feeling show! It feels like a defensiveness thing, probably down to my own insecurities.

She's in the wrong though, I wouldn't over think it at all.

Sil is a fuckin psycho!

I’ve told other people’s children off when they are being little shits and their own parents are being permissive, and will continue to do so! (I have two children of my own). I’ve only been questioned by another parent once, in a soft play. That was years ago and I still stand by my polite requesting that her 5 year old son stop throwing balls at my baby’s head (in the baby area).

She is probably embarrassed that she has been caught out with her atrocious parenting. If she disciplined her child for damaging other people’s property then you wouldn’t need to. Don’t think about it one more second. She’s a twat with bratty kids.

I firmly believe it takes a village and I would rather messages are consistent and reinforced by all adults.
She sounds defensive. Out of guilt.

I'm not sure you can give consequences though. So "don't pop it, you've been told to get off it please" is one thing but "you'll have to give my parents the money" unnecessary. And I'd probably be irritated by that.

SIL needs to check herself doesn't she? You were polite and just reinforcing what had already been told - although I wouldn't have done the money bit, that's a consequence that you can't set to be fair. It probably comes down to agreeing the 'rules' before the holiday (easy to say in hindsight I know). My goddaughters are coming to visit me next week and I've had an arrangement with their parents for 17 years (age of the eldest) that when they are with me, I can act as their parent, no questions asked. I think you probably need a conversation with SIL to nip this all in the bud, good that MIL saw it for what it was.

I have no issue anyone telling my child off if they need it

Yeah I can see how putting down a consequence is maybe a bit far, obviously I wouldn’t have chased an 8 year old for the money. But I wanted to reinforce to him that it belonged to someone else, not even me, so maybe he’d think about his actions more because the previous times he’d been told not to jump didn’t really seem to bother him

She's probably feeling guilty at her lack of discipline.

Nothing wrong with telling other peoples kids off if they're misbehaving.

You absolutely did the right thing.

I would have no issue with people telling off my kids if they were being naughty.

Yanbu.
Today I told off a boy in the park. He was about 9 or 10, no parent around. He kept telling my 4 yo to climb up the inside of the slide, he was sat at the top waiting for my child to get in, then it looked like he was planning to slide down and crash into him.
If a child is going to break something or hurt another child i think its absolutely fine.
A lady i didnt know on holiday told my daughter off about a year ago because she ran into a flock of ducks and scared them. I had my back turned. It was fine by me.

You weren’t even telling them off generally, you were telling them off in the context of their potentially damaging something that you are responsible for as it belongs to your parents. If I were her I’d be mortified that you had to do so! YANBU

Agree with PP - telling off is fine and right in the circumstances, consequences not so much

YANBU

I've got no problem politely telling anyone's child off if I need to.

If the parents have a problem with that, I couldn't care less.

And I've never got the hump with anyone who've politely told mine off either, if they needed it.

Some parents are massively precious about this sort of thing, and meanwhile their kids grow up with a 'You can't tell me shit' kind of attitude.

I don't see nothing wrong with this. You politely asked him to stop doing something, that he had already been told not to do. Sounds perfectly reasonable, SIL is probably embarrassed, but I don't think you were in the wrong here.

I’m glad that it’s mostly agreed that I was within reason to say something, I can relax a bit now and hope at the next family event it’s all forgotten about. Despite that issue, at the end of the trip everyone agreed to make it an annual thing. My boyfriend and I have agreed in future we will only have our own kids in the tent with us and also won’t lend out my parents stuff to lessen any stress on us. So let’s see how it goes next year 😅

I would tell the child to stop doing it. I would be perfectly fine with others telling my child. I suspect it was a combo of you were a bit worried about the loaned item, and the child being "high energy and effort" (and it depends in which measure) If it is a big percentage about the loaned item (and this IS the danger of loaned items where young kids are involved) probably would have made an apologetic noise about it to the Mum "sorry to have to tell him, but if it is knackered my mum and dad won't be happy", probably would have cleared the air rather than cause a rift. If it is about behaviour in general, it is harder because it is personal parenting, and individual characteristics. Sounds like they did the right thing though (mainly their own stuff) and your boyfriend's mum agreed with you. So try not to worry too much. One small admonishment about taking care of an item that belongs to you by proxy is not the thing that should make you feel bad. Hope you still had a good time. x

I would definitely have told him not to jump on the bed if the parents didn't do it. I wouldn't have said you'll have to pay for it if you break it though, that was a bit over the top and can see why that would have irritated his mother. Lesson learned OP, don't lend them any of your stuff in future!

YANBU, you have clearly struck a nerve and she is defensive. If they are going to borrow things they need to ensure their children look after them!

I perhaps wouldn’t have you “you can give me the money” to a nine year old though as they evidently can’t/won’t so perhaps it feels a little over the top but I certainly would have said - please don’t do that, my parents have been kind to lend you that bed and if you can’t look after it I will have to take it back.

Nbu at all. If they were parenting their child, you wouldn't have to.

What was the expectation?

That you should watch, witness your parents property being misused and say nothing?

That you should rush to the parents and say "tell your child off" which may also have caused offence?

If your children are behaving badly enough for other people to intervene then own it. That's parenting.

If I'd have overhead this exchange I would have reinforced the message about not damaging property and apologised to you about my child's behaviour.

You did nothing wrong.

It's just deflection/lack of good parenting to make it "your" problem.

I think what you said was ok. Like a pp I wouldn't have said the bit about paying but it's hardly a big deal. If I was the parent I'd have agreed with you and told my child to stop it too.

You did the right thing.

There's such a lack of discipline around these days, it's really sad.

Some kid was kicking a dog water bowl around outside a cafe the other day, started with a little shove here and there, with that horrible metal scraping noise, no parent told him off, he then booted it across the patio so I called out and told him that's not a football and to have some respect for something that's not his. He ran off pretty sharpish!

YANBU.
Unless someone shouts at my DC, I'm always fine with another adult telling them off when they've done wrong. The way I see it, they need to get used to other people telling them when they dislike their behaviour so they behave better around people as adults.

I am, however, apprehensive about telling off someone else's DC as I've been on the receiving end of an angry parent before and it can be quite unpleasant.

Yanbu

In fact the almost exact thing happened to me. On a camping trip, my SC were bouncing on my inflatable.sofa, I kept telling them to stop as.it would pop, I asked their dad to reinforce the message,.and he said "they are only having fun". A few minutes later it did pop. Kids didn't care, I was p*ssed off, husband surprised it had happened. It's still a talking point and a classic example of mismatched parenting styles. No helpful suggestions, just that I think kids should be respectful but sometimes their parents take their eye off the ball!

I very rarely tell another child off but in this case I would.