Telling off someone else’s child

[Drummend01]

So this week I have been camping with my boyfriend and his family which includes his brother, SIL and their children. One particular child is known for being quite impulsive and a poor listener. They are 9. The mum, dad, nan, uncles have all made comments about the child’s poor behaviour during the trip.

I lent their family multiple camping items which included a blow up bed that belongs to my parents. The child had been told at the start the beds are for sleeping only, they can pop etc. He was warned by his dad again the following day as he was doing rolly pollys on it. On the third day I watched the child do a big jump on the bed (he was sleeping in a bedroom of our tent) and I said “please don’t jump, you’ve been told already it will pop. If you break it then you can give my parents the money to replace it”

Did not raise my voice, was not being sneaky and hushing my tone, just said it aloud and obviously his parents heard. They did not say anything at the time, dad told the kids to come out of the tents, but SIL was quiet and moody and told my boyfriend later she was annoyed at me and that I shouldn’t tell other peoples children off. Boyfriends mum told her she was being unreasonable and she declared that I could not speak directly to her kids anymore and if I wanted to ask them something I ask her first.

The rest of the camping was a bit awkward, she never said anything directly to me and I considered apologising but boyfriend said it would cause further arguing. They mostly did their own thing from then on.

I feel bad that I’ve caused a rift in the family but I also feel strongly that children should respect things, especially when they belong to someone else. Was I in the right to say something? Or did I overstep?

Lots of people will say it's not ok, but I do this and will continue to do this, especially if other kids are snatching/hitting/not sharing with my kid or, like in your situation, it involved my property.

What you did is absolutely fine. It’s not ok to punish someone else’s kid but it’s ok to tell them off. The mum is being defensive because she knows that this wouldn’t have happened if she was a more vigilant parent. Don’t apologise -the telling off was appropriately done for good reason too.

Good idea. Sounds fair

SIL is mental to be annoyed at this and actually should be stricter with her child should he needed warning after warning at 9yo.

YANBU, your SIL is!

if my child is being bad/cheeky/ whatever.. and someone else involves themselves then I’m grateful not to be the bad guy 100% of the time 😂. I’d give warnings, talk to kids or in fact I’d even shout if I needed to. Not one of my friends/family would take offence at it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think YABU to want to go camping with his family again. Why on earth subject yourself to such torture?? 🤪

When we holidayed with another family and 4 DC between us it was accepted that all adults had authority over the children. It's a shame that attitudes have changed so much and I believe this is the root of so much of today's inconsiderate behaviour.

Sil sounds like a twat. Yanbu. It takes a village so yes, you should tell children off if their own parents are doing such a poor job. You might want to rethink future holidays with them ...

I frequently tell other people's kids of and don't give a shit. Of you don't do it I will.
Quite happy for other people to tell my son too. I want him. To be aware of thr needs of other people and when he is over stepping the mark.

She sounds pathetic . You did nothing wrong

I think I would have been tempted to remove said airbed if SIL demanded I wasn't allowed to tell him not to mistreat it. He can sleep without an airbed or his parents can have him in their bed. My parents property - my decision what happens to it.

I tell other peoples kids off if no one else is doing it.

For example, a boy chasing a chicken in a petting zoo and upsetting it
So I shouted "OI! YOU DO NOT CHASE THE CHICKEN, NO!"

Recently a boy threw sand into my 1 year olds face and so I shouted "NO! DO NOT THROW SAND"

I was furious to see the boy rewarded with a chocolate biscuit and a hug by his mum.

Utterly shit parenting.

Totally agree with this. You could have said it in a more subtle way, demanding money from a child (which they probably have no concept of) is crass.

That would irritate me too. Why not say be careful or it will pop and my parents will be sad let’s go do something else etc..

Don't apologise and don't feel bad, if she controlled her own children other people wouldn't have to, she doesn't like other people telling them off because she obviously doesn't do it herself properly, that is why they are unruly.

I do tell other people’s children off if they are harming my child, wrecking our stuff or putting themselves in danger. Why should you stand by and let someone break your things just because they are a child? It’s helpful for them to learn appropriate behaviour anyway. You did the right thing. Not unreasonable at all.

It’s not even a telling off, it’s a warning about your property.

Years before we had kids, DH fireman lifted his then 6 year old nephew out of the way when he was kicking gravel at cars in a NT car park. Thought SIL’s head was going to explode but then an older couple thanked DH for protecting their car and she just looked mortified instead 😂

What you did was fine.

It was your airbed so not even like you were getting involved with other people's business. And you spoke with him and explained the consequences.

If you don't want someone else to tell your child off, make sure you're managing the situation yourself. She just didn't like the mirror being held up to her ineffectual parenting 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nonsense. Children have more of a concept of money and a direct material consequence than they do of two people they dont know and have never met being 'sad'.

And the child is 9. Not 3.

I once told off a child for somethig similar in soft play, he was approx7 and the babies weren't even walking. He ran back to his mum, who didn't look well. My cousin who was with me at the time asked if I felt bad and I replied no. As kids need telling.
The saying it takes a village to raise kids, doean't mean that others help do things for the kids but that they mold them into good grown ups.

I am wrll known amongst my f & f for tellig kids how it is but I always get kids to reapond. And there is never any bad feeling.

OP you SIL knows she was wrong for not respondig and is probably embarassed that someone else highlighted it.

It is difficult borrowing things. We borrowed a blow up bed and our youngest wet it and I felt awful. Thankfully our BIL wasn't to concerned but it could have gone worse.

I would have let the air out of the air bed to prove a point. I'll prob get slated for this but I'd have let it out and told him that he had made all the air fall out wih his jumping and that he would have to sleep on the floor. I feel that's somethig a child could comprehend without any permanent problem. Lots of kids struggle to see the consequence until it is too late.

Of course you can tell him off if he's a brat. I used to occasionally look after a friends child who was the same age as my son. He wasn't so much of a brat more he wanted his own way all the time. For instance at home he would only eat chicken nuggets for every meal. Anyway he soon learnt he didn't get his own way with me he had what i provided or he went hungry. He learnt some manners too. I can't tolerate being dictated to by a 4 year old.

Someone needs a lesson in parenting (not you BTW)

Yeah, i tell off any child being a little shit. If the parents have an issue, i happily tell them off too 😂

Control your child and parent properly and others wont have to. Its that simple.

Ffs, from the title I thought it would be about telling off a stranger's child in the street, but your own nieces and nephews, of COURSE you have the right to tell them off. My BILs and SILs actually went out of their way to tell me to please tell their children off if they are being naughty when their parents aren't watching!

When they say "it takes a village to raise a child", this is part of what that phrase means. Parents can't physically be watching their children every single second of the day, and also the discipline often works better when children understand that it's not just their parents being annoying when they tell them not to do something, the whole of society is backing them up.

And that's not to even mention the fact that it was YOUR PROPERTY being potentially damaged!!! ANYBODY has the right to tell ANY child in the world not to damage their own property!!!

You ILs are being ridiculous.

Yes to the telling off and yes to the consequences. Eight is not too young to learn, ‘If you do this then this will happen.’

YANBU
i would have done the same, she is probably feeling guilty she didn’t do it first. Kids do things like this, if you know one of yours does either be proactive or expect people to be equally concerned. This is also why I don’t lend stuff out as often people don’t look after things well.
It is common people don’t like their kids being reprimanded by anyone else but them, but I think you done it in a calm way. In the future if you feel it could be an issue try distraction.