Telling off someone else’s child

[Drummend01]

So this week I have been camping with my boyfriend and his family which includes his brother, SIL and their children. One particular child is known for being quite impulsive and a poor listener. They are 9. The mum, dad, nan, uncles have all made comments about the child’s poor behaviour during the trip.

I lent their family multiple camping items which included a blow up bed that belongs to my parents. The child had been told at the start the beds are for sleeping only, they can pop etc. He was warned by his dad again the following day as he was doing rolly pollys on it. On the third day I watched the child do a big jump on the bed (he was sleeping in a bedroom of our tent) and I said “please don’t jump, you’ve been told already it will pop. If you break it then you can give my parents the money to replace it”

Did not raise my voice, was not being sneaky and hushing my tone, just said it aloud and obviously his parents heard. They did not say anything at the time, dad told the kids to come out of the tents, but SIL was quiet and moody and told my boyfriend later she was annoyed at me and that I shouldn’t tell other peoples children off. Boyfriends mum told her she was being unreasonable and she declared that I could not speak directly to her kids anymore and if I wanted to ask them something I ask her first.

The rest of the camping was a bit awkward, she never said anything directly to me and I considered apologising but boyfriend said it would cause further arguing. They mostly did their own thing from then on.

I feel bad that I’ve caused a rift in the family but I also feel strongly that children should respect things, especially when they belong to someone else. Was I in the right to say something? Or did I overstep?

YANBU but parents (even those on here who are saying YANBU) will invariably have a go at you for daring to speak to their Noah/Daisy.

They'd already told the kid not to play on the bed, so she got annoyed that you reinforced THEIR instruction. Definitely not a you problem.

I don’t think you did anything wrong the kid sounds bloody annoying and the parents utterly wet. Think you were abit aggressive in your method though. A cheery but brisk “hey Noah no rolling love the bed might pop and I don’t want to get into trouble with my own mum!” rather than threats of parents paying for damage.

I'd have deflated the airbed and let them sleep on the ground! What is wrong with people? As someone who is at the receiving end of rudeness from kids in school (especially sixth formers) I have had it with other people's "gentle parenting".

Do you know what? It’s so hard parenting children that don’t listen sometimes. My eldest has adhd and autism and his behaviour is off the scale at times.
its really not nice when someone else has to step in and tell your child off. It’s happened to me several times. It makes me feel this big pit in my stomach and I get terrible anxiety and a little moody. However I don’t take it out on the person who’s told my child off. They have every right too tell my child off. Doesn’t mean I like it. BUT SOMETIMES KIDS HAVE TO BE TOLD. I promise you it’s just embarrassment and a defence mechanism. She’ll get over it.
maybe after the holiday send her a message explaining your side of things. But empathise with her too. 😊

If the parents aren't there I always think it's ok to tell children what is or isn't expected of them. It's how children learn that the world has different rules in different situations. Adding the bit about the money was going a little bit to far! Sil probably knows that there is general disapproval of her child's behaviour and is all indignant. Some parents are so totally clueless and just don't understand that they need to train their feral brats.There is a great Dr Phil episode where a child got injured on a running machine at an uncle and aunts house on Christmas day the child was told not to play with it. Was in a separate room and child left unsupervised went on it and ended up in a&e. Parents blamed the in-laws who where cooking and hosting at the other end of the house. Parents had the cheek to sue them, alleging that such a dangerous object should have been locked away or removed from the home while their little bundle of joy was there. Some parents are just delusional where there DC are concerned.

YANBU

You reinforced boundaries that the child had already been made aware of and the child's behaviour directly affected you.

SiL getting the hump over it indicates a strong sign at the origins of the child's behaviour.

Children are a part of society, and society will say something when their behaviour clearly falls short of regular standards and the parents aren't intervening.

I don't have angel children, but we have clear expectations. Friends have rarely needed to intervene, but on the rare occasions it's happened, I've seen it as them reinforcing my expectations (it helps that we have similar expectations). The same on the rare occasions that their behaviour falls short in school.

I really do not understand parents who feel that they are the only people who can intervene with their child's behaviour. It doesn't serve anyone well. (And I've never cried over the children withdrawn shortly after their behaviour was challenged at youth groups- usually the parents getting the hump at the reinforcing of normal expectations. Life's too short to miss volunteering with touchy parents. The kids are fine!)

Also she has been extreme in saying you can’t talk to her child. A tad far in my opinion but if her child is acting this way she is probably walking on egg shells stressed with eyes in the back of her head.
no parent wants to make a scene on holiday either. Everyone’s always a bit softer on their kids on holiday as they don’t want to show themselves up as being that family.

If I want to take the sting out of telling someone else's child off, I will go for 'Didn't your mum tell you not to do that?'

Or, if I don't know them, then I'll go for:

'I'm worried you're going to hurt yourself/break something - shall we check with your grown up if that's ok?' to refer the problem back to their parents.

It has the same effect but sounds like you are deferring to the parent if you want to avoid awkwardness.

I will tell other people's children off if they are doing something that I would tell my own children off for.

I enjoy confrontation but I have yet had anyone question me.

Sometimes it's not what's said but it's how it is said that is the problem.

I would of deflated the mattress and see how the kid likes sleeping on the ground

He's 9 - one year off the age at which he can be held criminally responsible for his actions. If he doesn't understand "you break that, you'll pay to replace it", then his parents need to work with him to grasp it, pronto.

(Before anyone starts, I am not suggesting either he or his behaviour is criminal. Just that by 9 he should be able to understand the sort of consequences that OP warned him about, and if he can't then that's a worry because he's very close to the age at which the criminal justice system won't accept that he doesn't understand them.)

She didn't like her little Johnny being told by someone else, as many parents don't. He was warned to stop misbehaving and didn't. YWNBU, as you were trying to take care of your parents property.

She sounds ridiculously immature.

You did not cause the rift OP, the childs' mother did by giving attitude all because she did not discipline them properly. The kid does not know the meaning of no and continued to miss behave, so she needs to sort her attitude out because her kid is feral due to her not stepping in and telling them firmly no.

Don't go blaming yourself. At 9 years old, a child knows the difference between right and wrong, this time they chose to dissobay and there was no consequences.

I don't think you were unreasonable to tell the child off but I don't think the 'you'll be paying for it' part was necessary. I would have said something like 'I'm pretty sure your Dad told you not to jump on the bed so stop it', with a sharp tone.

I generally I agree with the 'didn't your dad tell you not to do that' or 'let's check with your parents' but in a case like this where they are jumping on someone else's property then even if the parents say they can do it it isn't OK for them to be jumping on it. They need to understand that you are careful with others possessions because that's the right thing, not just because your dad said so.

I think what you said was fine. He needs to realise that his jumping on it would lead to it not being usable and someone needing to pay to replace it. No harm in mentioning the cost of replacing.

I think I probably wouldn't have said what you did about his parents paying you back. I think I would have said I'll have to stop you from using it altogether. I don't think you did anything wrong in telling him to stop. She's probably just embarrassed that she can't control her child. It's a bit much expecting you to ask her first, before you speak to her children. That's just ridiculous and will make them feel entitled. No wonder he behaves like that. Maybe you could have suggested that you look him to a park or something instead?

I don't think you were wrong to tell the child off, but a better consequence would have been, "if you don't take care of the bed I will have to take it away because it belongs to my parents". And then a response to the parents could have been... fine I won't tell your child off but I'm going to have to take my bed back because he's not treating it properly and leave them to deal with the practicalities of that.

Good plan.
Loaning stuff is never a good idea.
Only do it if it is not important to you and you don't care if you get it back.
Otherwise it is just likely to cause stress.

I see nothing wrong at all at what you did.
However, I certainly wouldn't ever loan on something that wasn't originally mine.
You obviously meant well, but it is a disaster waiting to happen.

I wouldn't concern myself about your SIL being upset about this. Clearly her focus is on the wrong thing!🙄

I think it's fine my children learn from other adults too. Your sil sounds like a child

I regularly tell off my neighbours children who's behaviour is appaling. They throw things into my garden and regularly hit my car - they are 4!! The parents stand there gormless

Your SIL is embarrsed because she had no control over her child.

I've no idea why their child was staying in your tent and why they thought it was ok for their kid to try and damage someone else's stuff. I dont think you threatened them with a consequence either.

“Precious child” parents - you will NEVER reason with them.

Their child cannot do any wrong, and anyone that so much as disciplines them the smallest amount will be scolded at for telling their precious child not to do something.

My friend has been kicked, bitten, her phone smashed by her 5 year old nephew and even when telling nephew not too, her BIL and sister have got involved “oh dear did auntie moan at you!” You will never reason with these parents