Telling off someone else’s child

[Drummend01]

So this week I have been camping with my boyfriend and his family which includes his brother, SIL and their children. One particular child is known for being quite impulsive and a poor listener. They are 9. The mum, dad, nan, uncles have all made comments about the child’s poor behaviour during the trip.

I lent their family multiple camping items which included a blow up bed that belongs to my parents. The child had been told at the start the beds are for sleeping only, they can pop etc. He was warned by his dad again the following day as he was doing rolly pollys on it. On the third day I watched the child do a big jump on the bed (he was sleeping in a bedroom of our tent) and I said “please don’t jump, you’ve been told already it will pop. If you break it then you can give my parents the money to replace it”

Did not raise my voice, was not being sneaky and hushing my tone, just said it aloud and obviously his parents heard. They did not say anything at the time, dad told the kids to come out of the tents, but SIL was quiet and moody and told my boyfriend later she was annoyed at me and that I shouldn’t tell other peoples children off. Boyfriends mum told her she was being unreasonable and she declared that I could not speak directly to her kids anymore and if I wanted to ask them something I ask her first.

The rest of the camping was a bit awkward, she never said anything directly to me and I considered apologising but boyfriend said it would cause further arguing. They mostly did their own thing from then on.

I feel bad that I’ve caused a rift in the family but I also feel strongly that children should respect things, especially when they belong to someone else. Was I in the right to say something? Or did I overstep?

Yanbu. If a kid is doing something naughty they need telling to stop at that moment. Not a convoluted conversation with the parents to tell them off ages later.

If they are damaging their parents' stuff, never interfere. If they are damaging yours, feel free to tell them off.

I was on a bus this evening when a lady and got on with three kids. The 4 year old (her age was mentioned) was standing on the seats, trying to reach the hanging handle, to use as monkey bars. Another lady got on and gave her a telling off. Omg the language that came out of the mums mouth was unbelievable! I couldn't believe she would expose her kids to that. And encourage them to use it as well.

Although the child should have been told not to stand on seats, I do think the lady who ticked her off was also out of order.

Why?

Are we all supposed to turn a blind eye to poor behaviour?

If your children are behaving poorly in a way that impacts other people then that's a parenting issue and you don't get a free pass.

Goodness the threads tonight with posters defending dogs crapping on communal gardens and children behaving like entitled entities with parental backing is just unbelievable.

Just now waiting for the post about the child potentially being neurodivergent.....so infuriating and disrespectful to families with ND children who wish their only parenting challenge was not popping a camping bed and it being perceived as being synonymous with "bad" behaviour.

I think as a society we owe it to each other to tell off any children if they are misbehaving

@TheSerenePinkOrca

She's probably feeling guilty at her lack of discipline.

Yes, and there are fairies at the bottom of my garden.

The only issue was 9 year olds don't replace camping equipment so it was obvious you ment sil wouid be paying you.

I'd have asked for the bed and other equipment back since the family are incapable of respecting other people's property.

I'd have taken it off him after that and he could sleep on the hard ground. Sounds like he gets his attitude from his mum.

You are not in the wrong at all for asking him to not jump on your belongings. His mum is a twat . I do think the part about the money though was unnecessary to a 9 year old . But you’ve already addressed that on a previous poster comment . Don’t worry about it . It’s not worth a headache over .

You definitely didn't overstep the mark you were opening your mouth like some responsible adult would of they got the problem ignore them. If your boyfriend had a problem with you he would have said but as the father he should step up stand his ground more to back you up and stand up for you. You showed your backbone not like him well done you.

It doesn't bother me if someone tells my children off provided they do it appropriately (not having them yelled at) and it is justified (not just a move out of my way scenario). And I will tell other children off if they're doing something unsafe or harming another child (not even just if it is mine). If a parent wants to complain to me about that I am more than happy to say that they should themselves have been watching their child and pulled them up on the issue if they didn't want someone else to have to intervene.

Yeah don't apologise for this. When you knock around with people you have to be happy with them telling your kids off. If they tell your kids off inappropriately then normally they are inappropriate in other ways too & you don't knock around with them anymore. Assuming it went off like you said then you have absolutely nothing to apologise for; it was totally appropriate. I tell random kids off in play areas!! 🤣🤣🤣

Side note: I am a strict parent and my eldest is just like their lad. Literally some kids are more feral than others by nature regardless of parenting...your SIL is probably sensitive about this and how it reflects on her parenting. Me....I love it when other people grip mine appropriately as it gives me a break!! And if he broke your parents bed it would most certainly come out of his piggy bank. Life lesson in consequences!!! 👍

This.
Resolved well. SIL needs to discipline her kids better, obv. I'd also buy a padlock and zip your tent up when you arent in it. Family holidays are a bit 'wander into each others tents' .

I disagree with this. There is a consequence if you break something that belongs to someone else and at 9 he is old enough to know that.

Perhaps the wording should have been you or your parents will need to give my parents money but if he’d popped it, someone would have been giving the OP parents money.

You were good enough to have him sleeping in you're tent though??
She'll probably feel like a right muppet when she's calmed down.
Personally I don't mind others telling my daughter (4) off because she certainly doesn't listen to me half the time 😂

You didn't do anything wrong you concern was for an item you were responsible for that wasn't yours.... I'd of done the same myself.

Hope it effect your trip too much x

Saying he'd gave to pay for it when you had no way of enforcing that was not the best and suggests you were a bit blunt. For sake of family harmony ,I'd probably gave said, no jumping let's go out and play to burn off some energy . Or stood the mattress up on its side or moved it to my pod until night time. Emotions and run high when parenting is criticised. Don't offer equipment again, others don't often look after things as you would yourself.

She's doing the kid no favours

And YANBU.

Ynbu but I think you could have phrased it better. They are a child, they don’t quite understand the consequences, you should have said it as if speaking to a child not a friend/adult.

I have stopped telling other children off in situations like this. Not worth it.
I had told the parents "£50 (whatever price is) then your child pops it and it has no place to sleep" and wandered off.
I have stopped lenting stuff to people treating then badly.

Next year they can use their own blow up mattress in their own tent. It was good of you to have their kid in your tent in the first place.

If you're good enough to have overnight care of their child then you should have every right to check their behaviour.

I’d thank you for backing me up as my discipline wasn’t effective in this instance.

How did he react when you said it ? Did he actually stop the jumping ? I don't think in those circumstances you did anything at all wrong. I would also have said he'd have to pay for it if it broke. 9 year olds are old enough to know about consequences. And he was sleeping in your tent therefore you had a degree of responsibility to parent him. What did his mother expect?? Were you supposed to ignore his behaviour and let him carry on doing what his dad had already told him to stop ?