Clare’s law disclosure

[Rachellilllian]

I recently started seeing a guy and heard a rumour he may have hit an ex girlfriend. I did question him about it and he obviously lied, but I knew something felt off so I made an application to Clare’s law and they called me the same day with information that he is a serial domestic abuser. Clearly I need to end things but I don’t know how to navigate this. We are booked to go on holiday in a few days? Any suggestions would be appreciated

Did the police say if he has a history of stalking/harassment of former partners? Do you have a male friend who would come and stay at yours for a few days as moral support? I would finish it over the phone and then block him. You don't have to say what you've found out but if you've questioned him already he'll probably have a fair idea of the reason. If you're at all concerned about his reaction, phone the police. Given his record, they will take it seriously.

I'd honestly try to let him down as gently as possible... You realised you fancy women? You're grieving over something/someone and not ready for a serious relationship? You've been diagnosed with an illness and not in the right place to date? He's amazing but it's just not the right time for you

Any excuse you can think of that won't rile him up. Then I'd get yourself somewhere safe - you want to end it with as minimal drama as possible.

Do not go on holiday and do not tell him what you know. I'm sure it was scary to hear but the worst thing to do is confront him. I would just say you've realised you're not in a place to be dating and you need to end the relationship. Allow him to reply once or twice and then block on everything. Tell someone you trust who can check in on you every now and then.
You may also want to consider breaking up in public or through phonecall/text.

First time my partner who I only later found out to be a serial DV perpetrator attacked me was on holiday as I’m pretty sure he knew I was so isolated.

Woman’s aid can help you with an exit plan.

Good plan to tell your boss at work. Then he can’t leave messages flowers show up etc.

I also think feigning illness (or even chronic illness/can't cope with relationship too etc) is a safe way out of this.

I don't usually advocate lying but honestly I think your safety is more important here.

And to the posters who say threaten him with the police - when have the police ever done anything? This is terrible advice when dealing with a violent man imo. You're not gonna get 24 hour police protection...

This is probably the route although he will possibly contact you to see how you're getting or or if you want to meet for a coffee. If you have the money, I'd offer to repay his portion of the holiday. You shouldn't have to but it might stop him getting angry about it either now or a few months down the line when he has too much to drink or something else in his life has gone pear shaped and coming looking for you. (I don't mean to worry you but some guys can be very hard to get rid of).

I don’t mean the Claire’s law, but whoever piqued OP’s initial curiosity. He might threaten them or something.

This is what I’d do if possible. It is not worth confronting a man with form for violence.

Hopefully he hasn’t got a key to your home?
if so, get locks changed ASAP

I’m pretty sure she can, but she cannot tell anyone what was actually disclosed.

Back away slowly.. Do NOT tell him you know
Stay safe

Contact women's aid for advice on how to end the relationship and do it safely. Good call getting the disclosure, didn't the police signpost you to support?

Thank goodness people cared about you enough to pass on the rumours.

Making him feel angry or humiliated won't change anything for the better, but it might escalate the situation. Just come up with a lie that is as low-emotion as possible. Saying you've realised you're not ready for a relationship is probably safest way out.

Don’t tell him! Don’t act in any way that indicates you know. Tell him a lie and end it. Make the lie something bland and nothing to do with him. Your priority is to extricate yourself quietly and calmly and not wind him up.

Often when the perpetrator feels they are losing control of you their abuse escalates. Please ask the police to refer you to an IDVA, make a safety plan and I would just end it without going into details. Be very aware of your own safety and well done for listening to your gut! Xx

@Rachellilllian

I agree with giving a vague neutral break up message. Something like "I've been giving this a lot of thought and I've decided that we aren't right for each other (or)I'm not ready for a relationship. I wish you the very best in your life, but I must ask that you not contact me as I have nothing further to say". Then block him and let any unknown/unfamiliar calls go to voicemail.

You haven't said anything about how the holiday was paid for. But I'd kiss off any of my money goodbye for safety's sake. If he paid for you I might be tempted to just send him the money to avoid him contacting you for it after you break up.

Discretion is the better part of valor.

Don’t tell him. Make excuses and cut all contact.

I vote not to tell him you know the truth. This is a dangerous man, an angry man who could take out his anger on you and even murder you in retaliation. Make your excuses in the lowest key possible, so as not to enrage him. Don't see him face to face ever again.

💯

Saved me typing this.

I agree with this. He needs to know that the police are watching him. Please keep yourself safe and do this by text.

Learn from this - don't book any more holidays with anyone until you really know them. 8 weeks is not long enough.

Good luck OP

How? Just do it now. Your safety is worth more than a holiday . You should not of let him back in the house after the police told you

I really appreciate everyone’s advise and care. I’m lucky to live in a secure building with cctv, although I’m currently alone in a very large building. It’s all been quite intense which was another red flag for me, he doesn’t have keys but he gave me a key for his. I will talk to a helpline for advice as I’m really torn, it’s all been very nice between us so suddenly for me to say it’s not right etc he will know something is up so that’s my concern. I went through a different but shitty situation with some one else and I promised myself always listen to gut instinct which I have this time. He knows who told me as I was very open when I questioned him, so I have let them know I have information( worried I will get in trouble for that now). I won’t be going away with him, it’s how I manage it that’s my worry.