Clare’s law disclosure

[Rachellilllian]

I recently started seeing a guy and heard a rumour he may have hit an ex girlfriend. I did question him about it and he obviously lied, but I knew something felt off so I made an application to Clare’s law and they called me the same day with information that he is a serial domestic abuser. Clearly I need to end things but I don’t know how to navigate this. We are booked to go on holiday in a few days? Any suggestions would be appreciated

I agree you need to find a way to let him down really gently, then get yourself somewhere safe until you feel safe.

If he reacts aggressively, contact police.

And maybe don’t rush into a holiday so quickly after seeing someone? It seems a bit full on, but maybe he’s been love bombing you.

Please stay safe.

End it over the phone and then take yourself somewhere for a while. Don't be predictable, I'm assuming he knows where you live. Also, let the police know you are going to end the relationship, this is crucial. So sorry you're going through this.

I've never heard of a Claire's Law request being responded to the same day, they must have been alarmed to see the request.

i have only been with him a couple of months, so no we don’t live together or have kids. It’s just a few days away( holiday) but no way I’m I going to go. I’ll lucky I live in a very secure building that’s part of my work, so I feel pretty safe. It’s more the how do u deal with it? Part of me wants to tell him I know but obvs the element of my safety is a concern? After shock initially I’m angry now.

I don’t think confronting him or telling him you know will benefit you or him. Just get out and stay safe, tell him you’re not ready for a relationship or whatever lets you off the hook and doesn’t invite more questions. You did the right thing, your safety is the important thing here. Did the police have any advice?

I was in a similar situation (not Clare’s law, but info from a friend) and got myself out with the old “it’s not you; it’s me…” / “I’m just not ready for a relationship” scenario. I’m not sure it was the ‘right’ way to do it, but it safely got me away.

I agree with pp - you need to tell him you’re not ready for a relationship and need to be single. It’s more difficult for him to talk you round if you make it about you rather than criticising him (although he’ll might still try). It was far too soon to plan a holiday with him but you know that now!

Text him and say you don't want to see him anymore but good luck for the future. You don't have to mean it but it stays calm.

Definitely do it over the phone/text. You can either tell him you know or just a generic it's not working etc etc
Then block him on every single platform you can think of, these men are master manipulators and will probably try and talk you into staying.Maybe contemplate staying at a friend's/parents for a few days in case he turns up or have someone stay with you.
Good luck! Getting out is 100% the right decision.

Don't tell him why. He knows, because you asked him about it earlier. He knows you're onto him.

I'm really glad you're living somewhere secure. I'd just message saying whatever it takes to stop seeing him.

I agree with what @Mugcake said.

You are angry, and that can make you want him to admit and repent. He's never going to do that.

Please just back away quietly.

Come down with something that insurance will cover and bail on the holiday, then end the fling.

I would tell him the truth.

If he’s the type to get angry over this, then he’s going to do that regardless of the reason.

I would much rather he knew I was on to him.
He may be less likely to turn up if he thinks you know the truth.

You can say you found the information out and not go into detail.

As PPs have said, make sure it’s done over text and that you lock your doors etc and ring the police if there is any concerns.

Danger increases dramatically at the time of leaving, so definitely tell him when you're not with him. My feeling is don't tell him the reason.

I wouldn't tell him the reason.

The police should have given you advice on ending the relationship after disclosure of multiple offences.

Whatever you do, don't tell him you know. The police should have also told you not to tell anyone about the disclosure.

Avoid seeing him, end things via text like PPs say and block him.

I would suggest asking the police for help and advice on this. They obviously know his history and know (I would guess in more detail than they have told you?) what he is capable of, so would be best place to help.

Definitely do not confront him with this information and the CL disclosure. Your priority now is safety and extricating yourself unscathed.

Time for a generic, grey rock, bland break up message and then block. You owe him nothing. You owe you everything. Don't look back!

Do not tell him the reason. Bland and cliched . Google some!

Stay somewhere else or be somewhere else when you tell him. Have a plan for cancelling the holidays.

How long have you been with him?

There's no point in telling him as he will just lie to wheel you back in.

I think I disagree with the advice here - I would text that you've received a Claire's Law disclosure that he is a serial domestic abuser, you have notified the police and women's aid of your decision to end the relationship now and that if he contacts you again on any platform it will be immediately referred to the police. I would make it crystal clear in writing that the police are already aware and involved. I think this is your best bet for staying safe and forestall any further discussion/harassment

This is so tricky. We will all have opinions on what to do but is there anyone here like police or social worker etc who knows actually that the right thing to do is?

Firstly well done to trust your gut. You’ve saved yourself years of pain by asking the police for help.

Agree with the suggestion to tell the police on the day you’re splitting up and asking their advice.

Stay with a friend/ family member for moral and physical support.

Block him on every single medium. Keep blocking any sock puppet accounts set up by him.

You could also speak to women’s aid to get their advice.

Don’t hesitate to call 999. If you think it’s an overreaction it absolutely isnt.

Just end it. Text/call. Report to police any nastiness

I would agree with this. If you have any come back from him via text, then ask the police for help and they will contact him and tell him that you have asked him to stay away so any further contact or attempts to visit you will be seen as harassment.

Also, ask the police if they can put a note on your phone number so that any 999 calls received from it are answered urgently.

Also this