Clare’s law disclosure

[Rachellilllian]

I recently started seeing a guy and heard a rumour he may have hit an ex girlfriend. I did question him about it and he obviously lied, but I knew something felt off so I made an application to Clare’s law and they called me the same day with information that he is a serial domestic abuser. Clearly I need to end things but I don’t know how to navigate this. We are booked to go on holiday in a few days? Any suggestions would be appreciated

Agree, just go with, I'm not ready for a relationship, take care and good luck.

Good luck OP

I think that is excellent advice.

Gosh some split opinions on here about what to say to him.

I wonder what police/ woman’s aid would say

Keep yourself safe.

End it with him from a distance. Perhaps offer him your share of the holiday if he wants to take someone else - might also help you to know he is not around for a few days.

Don’t tell him you know. You might leak how you initially found out and he could shut down that source for future women.

This. Get professionals involved. The moment he contacts you, he gets a non-molestation order.

Very much this.

I agree with this. I don't think a man like that would just accept 'its not you, it's me / not ready for a relationship' and not get really angry when you supposed to be going on holiday in a few days.

You are at your most vulnerable if you let him know that you know - he has nothing left to lose so may become violent.
I would only be as straight as the poster above suggests if you really are secure in your building and your work place and you really are willing to immediately request police protection.
if not or you don’t feel it would be safe I would think the safest thing to do is end things as blandly as possible - and block.

Definitely get advice from police/women's aid on how to end things before doing anything.

Two stages: 1. You're too ill to go on holiday, but he can go, and if he wants you to change the name on the ticket, to let you know so he can take someone else.

Whilst he's away, get organised - change locks if he has a key etc. When he messages when away, bland, grey rock responses.

Stage 2 is the break up, so he's already had a week or so of feeling that you're not as keen (and hopefully he's shagged someone else, so full of confidence that he'll easily replace you).

My instinct would be not to mention the CL disclosure - he'll paint you a picture of how these women/the police/the courts fecked him over, he's not like that with you, you're special, he's learnt his lesson, he doesn't know what he'll do without you, blah blah blah. You'll be suckered back into it.

Remember you don't owe this animal anything, let alone a truthful explanation or to even listen to 'his side'.

Agree that in this instance, honesty is NOT the best policy.

Dangerous men need handling with extreme caution.

Do the "it's not you it's me", keep it simple, don't reply to further messages and then be prepared to call the police immediately if he turns up at your door or messages anything inappropriate.

Letting him know you know is a recipe for instant escalation.

I actually agree with this.

if he has half a brain he will leave you well alone.

I agree- the law was created to protect vulnerable women and right now that’s you OP - if he knows the police are aware of your relationship then he’s going to worry about further charges and I believe that his freedom matters more to him than hurting you…. The tragic truth is that he can and probably will find another victim to replace you who isn’t as switched on as you are- thankfully! Please don’t be alone until you know he’s decided to ‘let you go’ x

You need to disengage safely and that means not confronting him. He needs to be the one who gets disinterested.

In your shoes I would invent a chronic case of diarrhoea (can’t leave the apartment, he goes alone), say you’re seeing the GP, then consultant gastroenterologist for tests, then talk about awful outcomes. Be unattractive.

Don’t engage him in the truth. He’s dangerous.

I think I’d hedge my bets on this one.
I’d try the ‘change of heart…it’s not you it’s me’ stuff first and try to back out quietly.
If he failed to accept this I’d then mention the Clare’s law disclosure and the fact that the police will be protecting you.
These sort of men explode with rage; I’d not be prodding him too hard as it won’t end well.
Ditching the holiday will be money well spent- definitely don’t find yourself alone in an unfamiliar place (or anywhere in fact) with him.

Even if you feel angry and like you want to tell him what you know, (which I totally get), my advice would be to walk away with as little drama as possible and not mention anything about what you know. Police don't do a Claire's Law disclosure unless there is a really significant history of domestic abuse. Statistically, the most risky times during a relationship with an abuser are when you are pregnant or leaving so I think just focus on ending it safely and don't worry about confronting him.

Have you told people close to you about the situation so they can support you? I'm glad you are housed somewhere you feel is secure, are there CCTV cameras?

Very well done for listening to your gut, and seeking advice I would tell him about your request and that your ending what you have. The block

Whatever you decide to do - keep thinking about your safety, be extra careful and don't trust him even if he seems as loveable as he has been until now.

I have a mate who recently left a partner in very similar circumstances, she didn’t give him a clear reason, she just politely withdrew as people are suggesting here. He was left confused, and increasingly frustrated, and has now begun stalking her. If I was in your position, I cannot see a good reason not to be very clear about the reason for the break up as @Smineusername suggests.
I’m really interested to know why othera are suggesting not to tell him. Clearly he’s going to be furious about loosing the money on the holiday, at least this way he will understand why, and will hopefully be less likely to try to argue with you about it.what am I missing?

How recently did you question him? I'd usually say don't let on and end as non-confrontational as possible. You're not ready for a relationship, he's so great but you're not right place blah blah. Massage his ego breaking up with him.

If you questioned him very recently it will probably twig for him. And while you could tell him you did Claire law and to stay away, abusers tend not to give a shit about the law, and he may not only go after you, but whoever he perceived warned you. He may be worried about stuff spreading, and if future victims find out he may come after you again.

Agree with don't go on the holiday. Is there anything that you know puts him off women or he really hates that you can start gravitating toward from a distance, things you can drop into phone calls or say online in a place he can see where it would just give him the ick and then he feels like he's making the decision and wont stalk you after.

Contact your local women's aid or the domestic abuse team at the police station and ask them to plan a relationship exit and safety plan with you, so you can remove yourself from the relationship with as little potential threat as possible.

I would tell him why and then block him

What about something along lines of you're really sorry but you don't feel comfortable going on holiday when you know the relationship isn't going anywhere. His reaction to your question made you a little uncomfortable so you felt obliged to get a Claire's law disclosure. Whilst you appreciate people can change and wish him well, his previous actions don't sit comfortably with you so you feel you have to end the relationship now.

He's going to be furious whatever.
Furious that she did Claires law.
Furious and want to know who told her original rumours.
Furious and may go back after whoever reported him before OP.
Furious at the thought OP (and whoever else is telling people) could tell future victims.

Both telling and not telling could both end in fury and stalking. OP knows she's in danger, that's why this thread exists.