Clare’s law disclosure

[Rachellilllian]

I recently started seeing a guy and heard a rumour he may have hit an ex girlfriend. I did question him about it and he obviously lied, but I knew something felt off so I made an application to Clare’s law and they called me the same day with information that he is a serial domestic abuser. Clearly I need to end things but I don’t know how to navigate this. We are booked to go on holiday in a few days? Any suggestions would be appreciated

I would ring Women’s Aid and ask their advice. They are experts in this area.

All I can say is my ex partner had a girlfriend she left because he hit her. I believed his version of events that wasn't as bad as he made out I ended up having 2 children with him he battered me so many times over 9 years and strangled me intront of our toddlers. He also beat me whilst finding one. My point is they don't change. Believe what the police are telling you x

Do it over the phone

Why not ring Women's Aid and ask for their advice?

The best advice I can give you once you’ve ended it, is to tell your neighbours. You don’t have to tell them everything- just say you’ve just ended a nasty relationship and if they hear anything untoward please call 999.

The other good bit advice I would give is to make sure if you live in flats that police have the code to your building or a spare fob so they can gain access to the building. Maybe you could arrange this with the officer who called you? If you can have a plan in place with a neighbour that if they have to call 999 to run and leave the door propped open that’s even better.

Obviously don’t go on holiday with him. Can you call/email whoever you booked with and explain? They might be able to offer you an alternative holiday elsewhere without him.

Women's Aid don't have a helpline anymore. It's run by Refuge and the number is 0808 2000 247. They will help you plan the best and safest way to leave.

You cannot go on holiday with this man. You need to end it now.
He is known to the authorities as a serious domestic abuser - who is to say that you will be his next victim?

For your own safety. There are millions of men out there who are decent. You don’t need this.

My last post was my personal thoughts on what to do, but like some others have said, you should definitely ask the police and womens aid for their advice on the safest way to do it. Treat the situation seriously (as you obviously are).

When you had your Clare's Law disclosure you agreed that the information would not be passed on to anyone. You would be doing this by telling him and could possibly place yourself at risk in the process.

The purpose of the disclosure is for you to be informed of his history and then choose whether you wish to stay in the relationship.

Do not tell him this is the reason why the relationship has ended - you can just say you're not feeling it anymore.

Slightly bizarre post, yes, I understand all of that (obviously)

if you tell him, then you can be clear with him that they can be no further contact, if there is you can get the police involved immediately. If you don’t you either block him which could drag it out as he becomes more frustrated wanting to know what’s happened, or have to continue a lie over time to try to phase him out.

I just don’t see the benefit in not telling him, if it’s for the purpose of not making him angry, he’s going to be angry either way. if it’s for the benefit of potential future women, I think that’s incredibly unfair to put that on the OP . She is in a risky situation now and should be allowed to focus on her own safety.

Obviously you have to be skilful and calm and non-inflammatory in your language, but I do think very clear and assertive is the way to go.

before anyone else feels they need to school me on the obvious facts here, I’ve lived through domestic abuse myself, and so unfortunately have some experience in this area

Brilliant that you're safe and you know and crucially that you're not ignoring that information. Clare's Law only works if it's acted on. I think as a precaution it's worth letting people know where you're planning on being in the near future just in case, but as for ending it as you've not been together that long I'd also go for a "I thought I was ready but I'm not" approach.

Because she can't actually tell him she has done Clare's law anyway, it's confidential. So all she can do is tell him she knows he hit his ex, he lied and she has told the police she's leaving him. He will summise she didn't believe him, or that she has done clares law and then want to know who reported, what reported x,y,z. None of that protects her. It just makes him paranoid.

I'd make sure your work, friends, family etc are very aware of the situation too, in case he tries to get to you through them, for example by "surprising you with lunch" at work or similar.

Sorry you are going through this OP, it sounds scary and I'm not surprised you are feeling angry x

Are you sure the OP is not allowed to disclose that she has done a Claires law request?

My DH (police) advocates the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ route whilst also phoning Women’s Aid/police to give them the heads up. He is of the opinion (but could be wrong, although has worked with dv for over 20 years) that quietly ending it is the best way to protect yourself. Confrontation is not his advice.

Do NOT say it's CL disclosure.

Tell him your Granny had a fall then end it once you're away. Tell work so they can keep an eye out for him. Ask the victim support people for a safety alarm and keep your phone charged and on you.

Spend time away if you feel the need and alert police That he took the break up badly.

You should be fine but no harm in taking precautions. Not much has been invested yet.

Is that even possible?

Prior to having the disclosure you agree that the information is not to be shared by you to anyone else.

https://www.westyorkshire.police.uk/ClaresLaw/third-party-request

The after request section. OP would be breaking the law.
"If you receive a disclosure, it should be treated as confidential. It is only being given to you so that you can take steps to protect the potential victim. You must not share this information with anyone else unless you have spoken to the police, or the person who gave you the information, and they have agreed with you that it will be shared.The police may take action against you if the information is disclosed without their consent, which could include civil or criminal proceedings."

In case anyone else is thinking of applying for a disclosure - you are required to keep this confidential, you sign a statement saying so, you can’t just ask for information on anyone (partner or ex partner who is still in your life in some way), and the police will refer you to a local domestic abuse service for advice - in some circs it is the local service or social services who give you the disclosure rather than the police.

also you are unlikely to get a Non molestation order just because he has a history of abusing someone else - but do discuss the situation with the da service or a solicitor

I would consider the fact that men like him are best appeased. Your priority is a safe exit, not the 'truth' or any big revelation.

I would say that the idea of a holiday together has made you realise that you are just not in the right headspace to be dating and you are sorry but you'd rather back out now than lead him on. This might give you an easy, non-dramatic or inflammatory 'out'.

IF that doesn't work - he starts to pressure you or make you feel uncomfortable, you can then do as advised about (inform him that his reluctance to accept your decision gracefully raised red flags, you ran a check and have logged your position with police and WA etc)..

But I'd definitely try for a low-key exit first.

I think perhaps there’s a difference between saying you have had a disclosure and detailing what you found out.

in the same way, you can say you are going to the family court, but you are not allowed to discuss the details of the proceedings.
Anyway, it looks like the OP would be best off discussing with police if she wanted to do that.

if he is really likely to be convinced by her saying it’s not you, it’s me then that’s probably a good way to go. She will have an idea if it’s likely to work. Like others have said, she could always try it and then escalate if necessary

good luck OP x

No it isn't the same. Saying you're going to family court isn't a problem. Anyone can end up there.

Saying you've had a disclosure is disclosing that there was something to disclose.

I bc would either tell him in a public place like a cafe with a friend or family member nearby. Or over the phone. Don't tell him what you know just apologise and say it's not working for you anymore