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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite my sister to my wedding

114 replies

palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 13:28

I'm getting married again next year. I will be 58 and have found love after a hideous divorce.

I am the eldest of four girls. My favourite sister died of cancer and another has had a life changing stroke and is nursed in bed. The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents. She is constantly trying to embarrass me and tell my DF stories from years ago (he knows them all) to try and cause trouble.

When I got married 20 years ago it was the day before her birthday. She went round the entire reception group, telling them that I had only chosen that date to 'ruin' her birthday (we were all in our 30's).

She also decided to suddenly get engaged and again went round handing out handwritten wedding invites to my friends. She made the day all about her but at least last time I had my other sisters to manage her.

I just can't face it again.

All my children and DF's will be there and it's a small wedding. 60 maximum. DF not inviting his brother either as not that close.

I know my parents and my eldest daughter are uncomfortable she's not coming and she has launched a massive campaign, for anyone that will listen, about how terrible it is and how mean I am. Because she is entitled to go as it is a family event and she wants to see her family - nieces, nephews, cousins, parents.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 31/07/2024 13:36

You don't have to invite anyone you don't want there! If you get asked why - just say you only want people you actually like, and who likes you, at your wedding.

PrimalOwl10 · 31/07/2024 13:41

60 ppl is not a small wedding we had that number and was by no means small. A small wedding would be 20 people. I think your making a massive statement excluding her and inviting everyone else. For a second wedding I'd have a service and go out for a meal. It's usual to have a big wedding second time around.

thursdaymurderclub · 31/07/2024 13:45

my wedding was me, DH, 2 witnesses and my 2 DC.. thats a small wedding. we didn't invite anyone because as soon as we got engaged the whole family took it upon themselves to make it all about them.

one sister wouldn't come if the other one was invited, another sister telling us she refused to sit next to so and so. we had his adult kids telling us that we needed to buy them and their partners new outfits for the wedding.

his sister actually messaged him with a date! told him this was the only date she was available therefore that was the only day we could get married

so we said stuff the lot of em.. we just wanted to be married, no fuss, no bother and thats what we did.

i have 4 sisters and to this day, 11 years on they still don't speak to me because i never invited them to the wedding!

Olika · 31/07/2024 13:49

It's your day. If you don't want her there then don't have her. She can arrange her own party if she wants to see relatives, shouldn't be your responsibility to facilitate that with your wedding.

Awrite · 31/07/2024 13:49

YABU

Not a decent thing to do to leave one member of your immediate family out.

RainRainGetTaeFuck · 31/07/2024 13:50

Of course it's your right to invite who you want but not inviting her when you are inviting 60 other people including lots of other family is a huge statement and going to cause family divisions and upset. Is it worth it?

Saltedbutter · 31/07/2024 13:52

You can do as you like but as long as you’re prepared for some people to refuse the invite, some animosity on the day and potentially breaking ties with your sister forever.

Procrastinates · 31/07/2024 13:53

If you were having a small wedding it would be understandable but you're not, 60 is a pretty substantial number and it seems petty to leave her out. Obviously it's up to you but if she's as melodramatic as you say all you've done in excluding her is given her a reason to create drama.

neverbeenskiing · 31/07/2024 13:56

Of course you can invite, or not invite, anyone you want to your own wedding. But I think you need to accept that not inviting your Sister sends a very strong message and will almost certainly be the final nail in the coffin in terms of your relationship. I don't think there's any point in excluding her from the wedding unless you're intending to go NC, it will just make things more difficult and unpleasant for you and the rest of the family otherwise.

I agree with pp, 60 people is not a particularly small wedding so don't use that as an excuse. If you don't want her there that's your perogative but you need to own it.

Sunshineafterthehail · 31/07/2024 14:02

We uninvited mil from our wedding!! Hadn't actually invited her to start with she assumed to be coming even though we hadn't seen her for 6 months. It's your day op. Not about pleasing anyone but yourself and your dh...

CostaDelOrchard · 31/07/2024 14:03

A little bit weird you chose to overshadow her birthday by getting married the day before. Maybe I’m missing the point 🤷‍♀️

Sheelanogig · 31/07/2024 14:06

I don't think you can use the reason for not inviting her due to being a 'small' wedding. You could add her in (if you wanted to)

It is your wedding, you can invite whom.you wish. But you'll have to be upfront to her and your family on why you aren't inviting her. No massive details required but a "sadly we do not get on."

There will be a reaction and possibly long term consequences. I guess you have to decide which option you can live with.

I would hope she's matured a little since your 1st wedding...

3luckystars · 31/07/2024 14:06

She is already making it about her and will probably turn up.

i think you should re look at your plans. What does your fiance think ?

Sunshineafterthehail · 31/07/2024 14:08

Op didn't get married on her dsis birthday. How many days does one 'baggsie' for oneself along with the actual date of birth?
Be warned she doesn't try and sabotage anything.. Mil rang the hire shop and tried to amend dh's outfit order.

REP22 · 31/07/2024 14:08

Your day, your way. Don't invite her, don't feel guilty. If she can't behave herself you shouldn't have to make that part of your day. Can't believe the posters above who are suggesting that you are not being decent or supporting the sister's views. There probably will be fallout - but her own actions over the years have been to blame, not yours. You're quite within your rights to decide that you no longer wish to engage with it going forward.

Best wishes to you.

Original poster
palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 14:13

Thank you to those that have replied.

I had about 150 the first time round so it feels smaller to me. But I agree it's not 20. I never thought I'd get married again and first time round, I definitely had people, I didn't want there out of obligation. Including 3 babies, one of whom cried all the way through the service. When we had said no children.

If I never saw or spoke to my sister again it wouldn't bother me. I don't think she is a bad person though we aren't close. I just have nothing in common with her. All I have in common/connection with her is history. It is true that weddings seem to bring out all sorts of entitled people and I feel like instead of marrying the love of my life in front of our nearest and dearest, I have decided to put on an event for everyone else, that I pay for and they pick over.

We don't get married until next year anyway and so invites have not gone out. I have been trimming down the list and none of our DC are bringing a plus one unless in an established relationship. They can have friends in the evening which they are fine with. The day is tight due to the venue we have chosen and the room ideally would have more like 50 in it so not too rammed in.

She would not be top of my list or indeed on any list and if I didn't invite her, I'd say it was because there were other people there that I wanted more. To be honest, she is fairly immobile (due to weight and fitness issues) so always ends up cancelling when we organise any family events. A part of me wonders whether to hedge my bets and invite her, hoping she will cancel. But I know equally if I do invite her, she'd constantly bombard me with problems about what to wear etc. Making it all about her.

It's not an easy one that is for sure.

I am looking forward to marrying DF but also for the wedding to be over and to be on honeymoon and just married.

OP posts:
Original poster
palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 14:15

REP22 · 31/07/2024 14:08

Your day, your way. Don't invite her, don't feel guilty. If she can't behave herself you shouldn't have to make that part of your day. Can't believe the posters above who are suggesting that you are not being decent or supporting the sister's views. There probably will be fallout - but her own actions over the years have been to blame, not yours. You're quite within your rights to decide that you no longer wish to engage with it going forward.

Best wishes to you.

Really appreciate your post @REP22 - it's what I feel. Why should I when she has behaved as she has. Just because she is a blood relation, doesn't mean that I don't have friends or other relatives that I am closer too.

She's the type that tries to get bad pictures of you and posts them all over social media :)

OP posts:
Sunshineafterthehail · 31/07/2024 14:16

Mil also ruined our honeymoon so keep your plans to yourself op.
Haven't seen her for over 9 years.. Every cloud and all that....

Original poster
palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 14:17

3luckystars · 31/07/2024 14:06

She is already making it about her and will probably turn up.

i think you should re look at your plans. What does your fiance think ?

Very insightful @3luckystars because she has done that before! Invited herself or just arrived. When I have gone out with friends and she has wanted to come. Or I have had a party. She has the high potential to do that. My DF is really clear (whenever I have wavered) that he can see the effect she has on me. Makes me stress and worried and anxious (because of what she might be about to do or what she would share about me) and why would he want her ruining our wedding day.

OP posts:
Original poster
palepinkmermaid · 31/07/2024 14:20

CostaDelOrchard · 31/07/2024 14:03

A little bit weird you chose to overshadow her birthday by getting married the day before. Maybe I’m missing the point 🤷‍♀️

@CostaDelOrchard A joke surely? I got married on a Thursday in December and she was in her 30's. I didn't even think about it. Our sister was buried on my birthday. It's just a day.

This time round I am getting married on my best friends mothers birthday.

OP posts:
REP22 · 31/07/2024 14:22

Oh, bless you @palepinkmermaid. You don't need that in your life. Have you ever come across the Stately Homes threads on MN? A place of wisdom, solidarity, advice and kindness for those with toxic relatives. It doesn't have to be parents. Lots of support and advice, whether or not you are considering going fully non-contact, and good coping strategies. Latest one here: March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes | Mumsnet

I hope you have a lovely and hassle-free wedding, and many happy times to come with your OH. x

March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes | Mumsnet

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread. This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007) So this thread...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032064-march-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 31/07/2024 14:23

I completely agree you should only invite who you want to be there, after all you're footing the bill for the celebration and you want the day to be a joyous one, not one with hidden/obvious tension.

The only caution I'd offer is whether this places your mum in the position of having to choose between you or your sister. The fallout for this isn't limited to the relationship between just you and your sister. Two of my sister's don't speak at all, the affect it's had on my mother is horrible. Just some food for thought.

LaughingElderberry · 31/07/2024 14:30

Is this an opportunity to be really clear with her?

I'd be tempted to tell her that it is not a family event - it is your wedding, to which certain family and friends have been invited. She is not one of the invitees because you aren't close to each other and you don't want her there.

If you can be honest, it's a chance to save a load of aggro later on because at least it puts everything out in the open. However it depends on whether it will cause a load of noise elsewhere in your family and friend group. Personally I think one of the benefits of being older is you become much less tolerant of putting up with being treated like crap!

pyjamatimes · 31/07/2024 14:38

I am looking forward to marrying DF but also for the wedding to be over and to be on honeymoon and just married.

You don’t have to have 60 guests you know.
That’s a big wedding. You don’t have to have any guests at all. Clearly you want to.

SlidingDoors1 · 31/07/2024 14:39

No you are not being unreasonable

At this point in our lives I think we start to feel comfortable doing what the heck we want to do and not feeling we need to people please

Your sister sounds like shes tried to belitttle you a fair bit...why the heck would you invite that in?

Do not invite and dont bow to pressure xx