To not invite my sister to my wedding

[palepinkmermaid]

I'm getting married again next year. I will be 58 and have found love after a hideous divorce.

I am the eldest of four girls. My favourite sister died of cancer and another has had a life changing stroke and is nursed in bed. The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents. She is constantly trying to embarrass me and tell my DF stories from years ago (he knows them all) to try and cause trouble.

When I got married 20 years ago it was the day before her birthday. She went round the entire reception group, telling them that I had only chosen that date to 'ruin' her birthday (we were all in our 30's).

She also decided to suddenly get engaged and again went round handing out handwritten wedding invites to my friends. She made the day all about her but at least last time I had my other sisters to manage her.

I just can't face it again.

All my children and DF's will be there and it's a small wedding. 60 maximum. DF not inviting his brother either as not that close.

I know my parents and my eldest daughter are uncomfortable she's not coming and she has launched a massive campaign, for anyone that will listen, about how terrible it is and how mean I am. Because she is entitled to go as it is a family event and she wants to see her family - nieces, nephews, cousins, parents.

AIBU?

It's your wedding. Invite who you want. Don't feel bad about it.

I think your first wedding was a bit for tat. Why would you arrange a wedding the day before her birthday? That is a bit strange. Handing out her invitations was retaliation.

I would invite her. I would also invite DP’s brother.

I think you're being cruel because you've invited her to yours for Christmas so clearly have some sort of relationship as far as she's concerned but you're telling her she's effectively not good enough to be in the top 60 for your wedding.

You're either friendly enough to invite at Christmas and your wedding or you're not friendly enough for either surely?

I'm not actually inviting her to my house. I am suggesting she stays with my mother who lives near by (whom she never visits) and comes for Christmas dinner as my eldest is with me. It will be a hideous experience and I am doing it for everyone else. My daughter (her niece) and my mother (who won't be with my on Christmas day as can't settle away from home due to the dementia). It's not a big traditional family Christmas. Far from.

But also I can see her face to face (if she comes) and talk to her about the wedding. Maybe.

This is hilarious. I was expecting some wild opinions and I certainly got them.

It actually worked out well for her as she had all her family around her and could celebrate with them. I was away on honeymoon. But you are right, it was mean of me to not think about what a huge occasion a 34th birthday was.

DP's brother would feel very out of place and can't afford to travel over to us. Or any accommodation. And we can't afford to pay for everyones travel and accommodation. Sadly. He's been married 4 times and is v chilled about it.

As she is so often unkind and rude about you to whoever she’s speaking to, I wouldn’t feel guilty about not inviting her. She has the strong potential to ruin your day and you don’t want that. People saying you should suck it up, maybe haven’t read what you’ve said about things she’s said and done in the past.

It’s fascinating why people behave this way though, what is she hoping to achieve? Can’t she see how unlikeable her behaviour makes her?

My thought too!

I tend to take the course of least resistance and I’d invite her. You’ll never hear the end of it if you don’t and not inviting her puts you in the wrong somewhat.

Make sure there’s someone looking after her and keeping her away from you, if you think she’s going to annoy you.

But not inviting her makes you look the petty one.

But I have to say I get on well with all my sisters (I hAve 4 of them) but I would say, we’d none of us schedule a wedding the day before one of our birthdays. We’d have been a bit more sensitive and thoughtful.

"STBDH" is the appropriate Mumsnet abbreviation

@PrimalOwl10

Who put you in charge of other people's weddings?

I had a 2nd wedding. 120 people came and had a brilliant time (and I wore white)

Invite her and assign another family member to manage her so that she doesn’t spoil the day,

Think of someone that the dissenters dislike, and next time they mention not inviting your sister, say "Well, would you pay for a meal out for John Smith?" "No? Well, why should I pay for my sister then?"

Your wedding, your choice.

Thanks for this. The first part seemed considered and thoughtful. Made me think. Second part a bit 'judgey'.

As you say, you are close to your sisters. I am not to her. I was to my late sister and my sister that can no longer speak due to her stroke. We used to laugh about how awful the youngest sister (her) has been over the years.

Much as this is about my second wedding and not my first, the date we ended up getting married first time round wasn't our first choice. A venue and date fell through and we had to scrabble around. I was 6 months pregnant and put myself first. We wanted to get married before Christmas with the baby due early March.

However it still wouldn't occur to me that having a wedding near someones birthday that I wasn't close too, could be an issue. If it was someone close and a significant birthday I might. But not a 34th. She didn't have to come and she got to see her old school friends and family who lived near where we got married. Not where she lived.

Much appreciated. I think this might be my first and last post however :)

.....as they always used to say at GCSE, 'make sure you answer the question that's asked rather than one you wish had been asked'.

If you had 150 people the first time round but were unable to set a date that was either the day of, or the day before someone's birthday, assuming nobody shared a birthday, you would only have 60 days to choose from. Then take out Christmas and assorted holidays, as well as anniversaries of other peoples weddings, bereavements etc, you've got nothing left. How ridiculous.

Hey sister, welcome to the thread. Try not to spoil it...

Wedding threads on Mumsnet probably don't count - they're always bonkers anyway - but right now the site is full of some very unpleasant, festering prejudice, particularly on threads relating to some of the more prominent news stories of the week.

Perhaps it's what Shakespeare once referred to as midsummer madness?

You bonded with your other sisters about how terrible one of them was? Seriously?

60 isn't small. It's your choice but don't use numbers as a reason

My sister didn't just get married in my birthday but on my 21st birthday. I still love her! It was the only day the venue was free that suited, and I was fine with it. I'm amazed by those that think a Birthday eve should be avoided!!!

Yes that does strike me as quite the bullying. I know about sibling dynamics- I have 5 siblings! But ganging up like that - hmmmm.

I wonder if you resent this youngest sister for reasons other than how horrible she is @palepinkmermaid - that she survives when your preferred sisters haven’t?

it’d be very interesting to hear the sister’s version of growing up in this family.

OP, absolutely do not invite her to your wedding. You are not close to her.
I certainly wouldn't be doing Christmas either, mixed messages.

A wedding is a special day, I would say to everyone do it your way.

I look back at my wedding as something to have gotten through.

We did it for family, paid for everything, accommodation and drinks, and it was a day everyone enjoyed.
I didn't particularly.
My husbands lovely father died shortly afterwards and the only piece of video of him is that day, likewise his lovely aunt who also died. So I am happy enough for that reason alone.

When I hear of small intimate weddings I think well done.

The last few in our family have involved hundreds.....more money than sense!😁...even though we enjoyed them.

Don’t invite her!
Your fiancé sounds like he wouldn’t want her there because of “the effect” she has on you.
You owe her no type of consideration, because of the way she behaved at your first wedding and the way she has behaved to you over the years.
She’s tried to make trouble between you and your fiancé by telling tales about your past, she’s tried to take the most horrible/embarrassing pictures of you and posted them all over social media.
Don't give her any more chances to cause bad memories, especially of your most joyful second wedding.

Don't invite her. It sounds like everyone else close to you who knows you is on your side. I imagine your friends will be too.
As for the first wedding being the day before her birthday, how ridiculous to be upset but even more so to then go around telling everyone and then making it all about her passing out those handwritten invites. She clearly has issues. Those are good reasons not to invite her.
But regardless, you don't get on. A good reason to not invite her.
I know you are thinking of seeing how things go over Christmas, which is more than kind of you. I suspect, she'll remind you why you don't want her there. If anyone close to you really wanted her there they could be responsible for her but it sounds like there isn't anyone now.
Given how much angst you are having about it, I definitely think you are doing the right thing to not invite her. Do not let thinking about her overshadow the joy of you planning and getting married. You should focus on enjoying every moment!