To not invite my sister to my wedding

[palepinkmermaid]

I'm getting married again next year. I will be 58 and have found love after a hideous divorce.

I am the eldest of four girls. My favourite sister died of cancer and another has had a life changing stroke and is nursed in bed. The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents. She is constantly trying to embarrass me and tell my DF stories from years ago (he knows them all) to try and cause trouble.

When I got married 20 years ago it was the day before her birthday. She went round the entire reception group, telling them that I had only chosen that date to 'ruin' her birthday (we were all in our 30's).

She also decided to suddenly get engaged and again went round handing out handwritten wedding invites to my friends. She made the day all about her but at least last time I had my other sisters to manage her.

I just can't face it again.

All my children and DF's will be there and it's a small wedding. 60 maximum. DF not inviting his brother either as not that close.

I know my parents and my eldest daughter are uncomfortable she's not coming and she has launched a massive campaign, for anyone that will listen, about how terrible it is and how mean I am. Because she is entitled to go as it is a family event and she wants to see her family - nieces, nephews, cousins, parents.

AIBU?

Just tell her you don't like her and don't want or need to see her unless it is regarding your parents health. It really is that simple. Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage

It's very weird to plan your own wedding the day before your sister's birthday frankly - unless you are close and discussed the date together, it can be fun or it can be spiteful.

Of course you book any day you want, but it's still weird to pick that specific date. I am not sure she's the nasty one and you are the angel one here.

What is all this absolute nonsense about people saying you shouldn't be have got wed the day after your sister's birthday? She was in her thirties, why would this even be a consideration? Don't invite her, she sounds like a nightmare. I didn't invite my dad to my wedding, no regrets. I only regretted inviting an aunt and uncle because my mum asked me to, she admitted after that I shouldn't have listened to her.

I got remarried earlier this year. 40 guests. Neither sister. My mum was fine with it.

it’s your wedding, you get to choose who to invite.

it depends on the family dynamic.

My family always invite any wedding guests still around for an informal brunch/ lunch. I get on very well with my sisters, we would make a big fuss and bring birthday cake, it would be great.

The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents.
is not quite the same thing. When you can chose any date in the year, the day after the birthday is weird, when she didn't like her sister!

Some people like their birthdays, a 34th is as significant as any birthday for a lot of us.

It is your day to have as you wish. I got married and did not invite one of my siblings as they were hell bent on ruining the day so they got uninvited and since they weren't there my wedding day was blissful

I didn't even invite my parents to my 2nd wedding because of their behaviour around my first wedding. They were a nightmare, and can't cope with not being in control.

They couldn't believe it but I just wasn't having that again and to highlight their behaviour further, they've managed to maintain a fall out with my ex's family for 20 years because they love a fallout and don't care how it impacts others, including their grandchildren who have to put up with grandma refusing to speak to their other grandparents even at family events.

I still have them for Christmas, run them around to appointments and visit. I'm a good daughter in most ways. They just don't get to come to any more weddings or meet my new in laws.

OP , just because you can't choose your family doesn't mean you need to tolerate bad behaviour.

Your wedding your choice, I'm getting married in a few weeks and didn't invite anyone I even had a slight doubt about. Literally ended up with my parents, my sister and her family and my closest friends on my side, the rest of my family I have hardly any contact with and don't intend to change that any time soon, I am finally happy and settled with a good man and my daughters are in a stable safe home, nothing else matters to me so if people are offended or upset that they aren't invited including siblings thats their problem not mine. We have 40 people coming to our wedding and every single person is someone who is a part of our lives regularly and makes a positive happy contribution. No drama, no stress, no panic attacks at the thought of toxic drama on my wedding day. I want to celebrate the happiness and love we both found with each other after awful relationships previously.

Of course you don't have to invite her.

My husband and I eloped to Millbrook Estate in Devon.

It was perfect, just the 2 of us celebrating the commitment we made to one another.

We got ready together, walked to the ceremony under an oak tree together - it was purely perfect.

Highly recommend it (it was both of ours second marriage).

No stress, no drama (both of us have toxic family) - highly recommend going for it.

Get married quietly in a Registrar's Office, have just the two required witnesses, you can't hurt anyone.

Lucky it's not your wedding then!

I was going to say that a wedding is a huge event,and b the better person,until I read further,so I will just say this, you have people at your wedding who you love and feel comfortable with,if you invite your sister,and she turns up you will be watching her the whole day,wondering how big a stirring spoon she brought with her.it is YOUR day,you need to decide,is it better to have her ruin your day,or just not invite her?all the very best for luck for your wedding and futurexx

Nobody asked

This thread is interesting because it shows how two separate issues get conflated - both weddings and funerals are very personal events yet also, incongruously, are seen as an opp for a family get together, with all the potential for long-standing disputes and resentment to resurface in a time of stress.

If this is the one time the family can get together, it's a shame - but quite typical, don't get me wrong. Might almost be worth having a big family get together that's like a wedding at some point, invite everyone inc sister so you can do all that - admittedly it's costly! - then keep the wedding to who you really want.

It does have that feel of a kids' party - that who gets excluded feels traumatised. It shouldn't. Might almost be a thing where you say to your sister 'Look, you don't actually seem to like me that much so why exactly do you want to go? Remember what you did last time?'

Could she just come to the after-party/reception? Or would that be where the most damage is done?

I had a white wedding second time around and only invited people I wanted to be there. Do not feel pressurised to invite her just because. I would let her know your reasons for not inviting her as she probably is so full of herself that she doesn't realise she should have a low profile on the day. Wish you happiness and a wonderful day. Don't be bullied!

I had 200 people at my second wedding. It was my husband's first wedding. I don't think it's fair to say a second wedding should be small. It depends on the circumstances. It is often a first wedding for the other party and it's a bit unfair to expect them to have a service and small meal afterwards. What about their friends and family? A wedding is important to both parties whether it's a second wedding or not.

OP it's really up to you but with 60 people going it is going to naturally upset her. You need to decide if you can live with the drama as it sounds like she will make one.

Yes MN is really out of hand lately. People don’t own days of year. A wedding coincides with someone else’s Bd well double the joy. And certainly you don’t own the day before or after. Two people I know who insist “being celebrated” for a birthday month are selfish and silly to me. Grow up everyone was born.
secondly have the number of people and the kind of people you want at your white dress 60+ people wedding. There is no age limit on celebrating love. You can afford it plan it and do it your way.

my ex dsil was not a bridesmaid. 25 y.o me read a book about choosing your wedding party and excluded her because even then TO ME she was difficult personality. Of course she complained I didn’t talk enough to her husband that the wedding (ha he didn’t talk to me either) and she CONTINUES 27 yrs later to complain disappoint cancel no show and be negative and now she has SM to do it on. She’s jealous. She’s jealous of my daughter’s elegance and beauty and my sons bilingual super brain (and those aren’t their only traits just the ones she’s particularly jealous of) because she herself doesn’t have those traits nor her son. Your sister on some visceral level is jealous and that’s toxic Always will be. Plan and enjoy your fabulous day OP and ignore her and MN. 💍👰🏻‍♀️

Congratulations OP! I think there's some people who don't know what it is like to have a horrible family member. What is the point of setting yourself up to be insulted and belittled by your sister?

You're nicer than me, I wouldn't want to see her at Christmas either. She can go and boil her head.

Your relationship with your sister is sad.
Does she have any good points?

Go to Gretna green with just yours and you DF kids and your mum and his if possible and have a party after your honeymoon, it's your day, her it however u want! X

Smile and do as you like. I wouldn’t involve her in your Christmas though, seems like inviting more bother. Every happiness to you.

This. It's your wedding and at this point in your life, you should be confident to celebrate with the people that really mean something to you.

Your sister is not that person. She's brought nothing positive to your life except grief. Why on earth would you want her in your wedding at this stage of your life?

2nd time around wedding it's definitely your choice of who goes! I got married for the second time last year, at the age of 58. I had my children there and my friends. I didn't invite my sister or cousins etc. DH did not invite his siblings. They were, however, welcome to watch the service online. (That's what my elderly dad did).
We had around 40 people to our 'reception' (in a pub).All people who mean something to us, as a couple. It was wonderful.

Oooooo fun sponge.....

You're fucking kidding, right?