To not invite my sister to my wedding

[palepinkmermaid]

I'm getting married again next year. I will be 58 and have found love after a hideous divorce.

I am the eldest of four girls. My favourite sister died of cancer and another has had a life changing stroke and is nursed in bed. The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents. She is constantly trying to embarrass me and tell my DF stories from years ago (he knows them all) to try and cause trouble.

When I got married 20 years ago it was the day before her birthday. She went round the entire reception group, telling them that I had only chosen that date to 'ruin' her birthday (we were all in our 30's).

She also decided to suddenly get engaged and again went round handing out handwritten wedding invites to my friends. She made the day all about her but at least last time I had my other sisters to manage her.

I just can't face it again.

All my children and DF's will be there and it's a small wedding. 60 maximum. DF not inviting his brother either as not that close.

I know my parents and my eldest daughter are uncomfortable she's not coming and she has launched a massive campaign, for anyone that will listen, about how terrible it is and how mean I am. Because she is entitled to go as it is a family event and she wants to see her family - nieces, nephews, cousins, parents.

AIBU?

I think at 58 a second wedding with 60 people is inappropriate. It should be you, your kids, two witnesses. That’s it

Tell your parents AND your eldest daughter to shut up and keep shutting up about your sister, or else they won't be invited either.

The only caution I'd offer is whether this places your mum in the position of having to choose between you or your sister. The fallout for this isn't limited to the relationship between just you and your sister. Two of my sister's don't speak at all, the affect it's had on my mother is horrible

That's what I was planning to say. You're putting other family members in a horrible position. If one of my daughters refused to invite the other to their wedding, I honestly don't know what I'd do. I'd feel disloyal whatever I did. And if I went, I'd probably have to spend the whole event having to answer other guests' questions about where the sister was.

Frankly, the fact that their relationship had broken down that badly would break my heart.

I'm sorry, but if you think that getting married the day before someone else's birthday is somehow an attempt to steal their birthday thunder, you are mad. I can't imagine anyone, genuinely, even thinking of this.

What the fuck is going on with this place today?

YANBU - the fact that your sister referred to it as a family event says it all about how entitled she feels.

OP unless people have toxic family members they won’t understand and will bleet “but it’s family, you only have one, etc etc”.

My daughter’s christening, first birthday, and first Christmas were all ruined by my witch of a mother in law. Never again, I’ve gone no contact.

Don’t invite her, she’s bound to do something nasty that will poison the whole happy even for you and your DF.

Your sister has played bitch games and wins a bitch prize. She isn’t wanted at her sister’s wedding because she’s a nasty piece of work. I’d book in for a therapist to discuss this with. And how to navigate this with your mother, friends and family.

🙄

Some people!

Good for you Ozanj. Maybe you have a different favourite colour too, but that option is equally irrelevant.

It took me far to long to work out DF was probably Fiancé because it's usually Father, I think, so I thought your dad was weighing in on your side, which was encouraging. Oops.

Don't invite her, she brings nothing positive to you.

If you're getting marriend in a church she can attend the service because you can't bar people from churches, so just be prepared for that possibility. But otherwise, tell your ushers or whatever that no, she's not been invited and she can't come in just on the off chance she tries to gatecrash. Even if she does turn up, after an initial 5 minutes of "no, you may not come in" it will all be dealt with and you can get on with your celebration and forget about her.

If I never saw or spoke to my sister again it wouldn't bother me. I don't think she is a bad person though we aren't close.

If you don't think she's a bad person, then why are you prepared to put the test of your family in such an awkward position? You've said that your parents and your daughter think that this is unreasonable of you. The only time I'd risk the rest of my family's upset, would be if the family member was positively evil.

Yanbu

But in your shoes I would downsize massively so that it's less of a slap in the face. She can't complain about being excluded if it's such a small event that she wouldn't make the cut even if you got on really well.

You are right that she will poison the day if she's there, but she will also do her best to poison the day if she's not there. Eg using social media, or staging a dramatic health crisis or something. Excluding more people who are close to her will help.

I've talked to both my parents who both find her behaviour unacceptable. My mother (bless her) missed my first wedding as she'd just had brain surgery. This time round she is in early stages of dementia and rather forgetful. She is fine with my decision and everytime I remind her of what she did first time round, we laugh about it.

I don't feel not inviting her will cause any upset in my family. I have discussed it with my father (who remarried at a similar age and did it abroad), mother (they are divorced) and eldest daughter who understand. As some have said, at my age, you tend to worry less about what other people think.

I have invited her for Christmas and we will see how that goes. I'd love for her to not be who she is and be able to behave herself but she just can't. She wants to upstage me and make it all about her. She stresses out my parents who are in their mid 80's. So even though I don't think she is a bad person, I don't think she is a nice person or a mature person or someone who has any EI and can blend it subtly.

And yes - WE are having 60 close friends and some family because we want too. NO SHAME THERE. Neither of us had the wedding we wanted first time (for me it was mainly the wrong groom who dominated the guest list) and totally don't buy into the quiet registery office thing because I am not 25 anymore. We are celbrating our love and making a commitment in front of the people we care about who care about us including our 6 DC. Our 4 daughters have all recently agreed to being bridesmaids and are hugely excited ranging in age from 18-38. Thats the family I care about the most. Our new blending one.

But thank you. Very interesting opinions. I do think even the word wedding is triggering for some people. Likewise family relationships are all different and I am blessed with wonderful DC, many good friends and a wonderful step brother.

I think you are..they were in their 30s...you only have one (ok 2) weddings, they aren't every day. It was the day after her birthday. She wasn't going to go be 10. It's not always easy to pick a wedding date at the venue you want. She was in her 30s and grown woman passing out hand written wedding invitations at her sisters wedding is pathetic

Oops. I never post so that was a mistake on the DF front. I will say DP in future!

But wise words and I agree. We may be getting married in church. Anyone that has been divorced will know that isn't a straight forward process :)

Bullshit.
OP ignore this, perhaps you should wear something frumpy, or jeans or a burka...this is batshit.

Ooo get the morality police. "She shouldn't wear white either". And "who does she think she is in that dress". Must be your next comments

I had this problem too - 3 sisters including one who has always been vile to me. I invited her to the day. She said something horrible about my dress, the food AND a poem we had read for us, and afterwards rang my mum to say the professional photos were bad and didn't include enough pics of her kids.
Don't invite her!

Why?

Guess what colour I am wearing :) I am happy and a bride. I was going to wear a colour because I had opinions from people about not being a virgin, too old etc but luckily I went to look at dresses with my best friend and found the one. Very simple but I love it and will offset all my gorgeous bridesmaids in outfits of their choice.

Honestly i think you have sibling rivalry that is eating away at you unnecessarily.

Invite her. Be the bigger person. You wont engage with her much in the day anyway and it will be nice for your parents

Life is too short

You may not get on with her but you'll cause more trouble if you do invite her. Have you ever had an honest conversation with her about not getting on, and how she's upset you in the past? if not, try to be brave and say that to her - even via email - and say you'll invite her for your parents' sake but that you're asking her to please try to modify her behaviour on the day.

sorry I meant if you don't invite her

Wait for her to inevitably do or say something at Christmas then say “This. This is why we can’t invite you to the wedding, because you don’t know how to behave politely around other people.”

To anyone who asks: "She worked hard to ruin the first one by deliberately making it all about her. We're not giving her that opportunity again. Her behaviour shows us she hasn't learned or changed for the better over the past 20 years, in fact it's worse."

I'd also warn the venue in advance and have people ready to deny her entry.

So if she was 38 or 48 it would be fine?!