To not invite my sister to my wedding

[palepinkmermaid]

I'm getting married again next year. I will be 58 and have found love after a hideous divorce.

I am the eldest of four girls. My favourite sister died of cancer and another has had a life changing stroke and is nursed in bed. The remaining sister and I have never really got on. I don't enjoy her company and only tolerate her for my aging parents. She is constantly trying to embarrass me and tell my DF stories from years ago (he knows them all) to try and cause trouble.

When I got married 20 years ago it was the day before her birthday. She went round the entire reception group, telling them that I had only chosen that date to 'ruin' her birthday (we were all in our 30's).

She also decided to suddenly get engaged and again went round handing out handwritten wedding invites to my friends. She made the day all about her but at least last time I had my other sisters to manage her.

I just can't face it again.

All my children and DF's will be there and it's a small wedding. 60 maximum. DF not inviting his brother either as not that close.

I know my parents and my eldest daughter are uncomfortable she's not coming and she has launched a massive campaign, for anyone that will listen, about how terrible it is and how mean I am. Because she is entitled to go as it is a family event and she wants to see her family - nieces, nephews, cousins, parents.

AIBU?

OP didn't get married on her sister's birthday.

You say you tolerate her for the sake of your parents, but are now upsetting them by leaving her out of a big family event, albeit your day.

I think you will be creating more drama (that will live on for years) and playing right into her hands by not inviting her. Also agree with other posters that she will probably turn up anyway.

I'd bite the bullet, invite her, seat her away from you and lose her amongst all the other guests who have your best interests at heart.
Congratulations to you and your fiancè!

I wouldn't invite her. I mean this nicely so I hope it doesn't come over condescending but the guilt trip about wedding guests is something I had when I got married at 22, if I'm lucky enough to find love when I'm older I hope I can shut out all the noise and just do what I want.

Also, my brother had a graduation party on my 28th birthday I wasn't for a second upset. Getting annoyed because your sister got married a day before your birthday and making a fuss at her wedding makes me think she hasn't liked you for a long time. Congratulations on your engagement!

Inappropriate for who!? If that's what the engaged couple want for their wedding, then whatever they choose is appropriate for them!

To all of those saying they wouldn’t overshadow their siblings’ birthdays -

I have siblings. I don’t mind at all if they get married the day before or the day after my birthday. To be honest, I wouldn’t even mind if they got married on my actual birthday!

I would probably be slightly embarrassed when they did the speeches, mentioned it, and made everyone sing happy birthday to me. Because that is what they (and I) would do.

Anyway, that is in the past for the OP. Invite who you want, wear what you want, and have a fabulous day!

To all the people saying they could never have a wedding the day before or after a sibling’s birthday - would having the wedding the same week as a birthday be ok? And what would you do if your sibling’s wedding was a day before your birthday? Or even…the day after?!?

Why should OP miss out on the wedding they really want, because of one toxic person?

Nah, I think she's made her bed.

Why should another of your special days be ruined? Just don't blow up at her over it and take precautions to ensure she doesn't try to come anyway or sabotage things from afar.

Her sister was 34!!!!

On my 18th birthday (as in on the actual birthday, at a meal out) my sister and brother in law announced that they were pregnant and I couldn't have been happier.

Maybe it's just me but when you're out of primary school birthdays aren't a big deal at all

People are so strange on here.
Why are people commenting on the rest of it, I.e how many guests, when you haven’t asked?
WRT the question, it’s your day, and your choice, and if you don’t want t to invite her, don’t (can completely underway you don’t want to)

It feels harsh to invite 60 people and specifically not her - it’s embarrassing to her to be cut off in front of all family members. especially if you’ve never actually told her you want nothing more to do with her.
you also mention that your first wedding was day before her birthday and you didn’t even think about that because she was in her 30’s (that’s weird. I’m in my 40’s but know when my siblings birthdays are - I bet you did know and didn’t give a hoot).
usually when people dislike others it’s because they reflect traits back at themselves that they hate. I think, from the examples you’ve given you are probably more like your sister than you realise and that’s why you hate her so much and why you managed to have a full blown 150 people wedding the day before her birthday.
invite who you want but don’t make out a 60 wedding is small. And at least tell her your relationship is over and that’s why you are not inviting her, and then never see her again.

It’s your wedding, so only invite people you want to spend the day with. I have an awful relationship with my mother and younger brother and I didn’t invite either of them when I got married. Our day was so much happier without the stress of them being included. Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about anyone else’s opinions.

Actually 60 and under is a small wedding. I've worked in the wedding industry for 20 years and the average wedding is 110 guests in the uk

Thank you for all the responses. Especially from those who took the plunge and just invited people that filled their hearts with joy and didn't look back.

I've found the debate about how big/small my wedding is/should be and whether I should wear white and whom I am obligated to invite, quite amusing. And the few who want to defend my sister and say I am a bad person. Don't get that but I guess that is just strangers on the internet with their own issues and demons.

I love the idea of offering online links and also having a virtual wedding and I'd include her in that. She isn't very mobile anyway and hates formal occasions. So it might do her a favour.

However the thing I have found hilarious is the thought that one can't have a wedding on the eve of someone's birthday. It's literally never occurred to me as a negative. As some have said it could be double the celebration. Our wedding date was changed at the last minute as our original venue fell through. I was 6 months pregnant and just wanted to get married rather than postpone so we went with the dates available (we got married on a Thursday). She didn't have to come but actually had a great time as she had all her family around her and was home for the weekend.

This thread has really helped me focus on what is important. My soon to be DH (sorry can't remember the Mumsnet lingo) and all our 6 children. They are the only ones that have an entitlement to attend and everyone is very excited.

I got married on my own birthday! Made it easier for dh not to forget either date!!
At 44 in a proper wedding dress. Not white though..
And no mil. Was a great day.