Husbands new employee

[onesu]

Would you be ok with your husband hiring someone he had previously slept with, and had history with when working together before?

The woman in question, (after we got together) slept with another employees husband who she met his wife and kids a few times each week.

I feel uncomfortable working so close (same office, two desks apart) with someone he had history with, understand everyone has a past etc. just have an awful feeling about this. I'm of course unreasonable, and it's for "the good of the business".

My hormones are playing havoc from stopping breastfeeding so not sure if this is playing a part.

It would be a very hard no from me OP. Your husband is behaving very badly.

This is absolutely ridiculous- hire someone else and train them up yourself. Put your child with someone you trust or in childcare until you have finished the training. For systems training do it with the new person, over Teams and record the session then she can watch it back anytime!

So essentially the only possible solution for him to get help within his business is to hire his ex fuck buddy? Righty-ho!

As for saying you could help him that's a red herring option that he's thrown out there to make it look like he's presenting you with alternatives but he's not really.

Much like when I asked my DP earlier if he would like to order a takeaway tonight or have jacket potatoes which have been sprouting in the cupboard all week.

Horseshite. You need to tell him now, she is not doing the job. YOu do not care who does it but not her. He has not respected your wishes from the start and honestly the more he wants her there in the role the less inclined I would be to discuss it again. She gets told the offer is off the table and he finds someone else.

I can totally understand why you aren't comfortable with the arrangement your husband is suggesting. Ultimately I would want him to cut ties with her from a business sense and definitely not see her socially either. The number of times he's slept with her is irrelevant and the fact that she was cool with basically lying to a wife and children she saw on a daily basis, when in an affair with another employee is very important. Does your husband know and acknowledge that she did this? If so, he must surely understand why you are concerned that you won't be in that position in the years to come! They also aren't the sort of person who is trustworthy, so why would you choose to employ her? If she can cheat and lie, she could also steal and lie.

Reading between the lines of your posts it seems that there might have been an increase in workload in the businesses that neither of you foresaw. He's seeing this person as a ready made person who might help with the workload but it's not necessarily going to be true. The fact she wasn't able to make the bit of the business she'd taken profitable, suggests she might not have all the skills needed. There are many temp agencies or recruitment services who are likely to have someone better and more celebrate. They will likely be able to send someone quickly too.

One other thing that occurred to me is about the rent this person was supposed to have been paying. If it wasn't profitable, does she owe you both money? Is this the reason your husband is making this new role and getting her to work for him being a way to get it back? If not, then surely you can find another employee for the same salary she'd be paid or less costly if they require extra training.

How does your husband feel about putting your very young baby into childcare? Their welfare and upbringing isn't just your responsibility, it's his too. It can be difficult for some men to realise that they have a role/responsibility in bringing up their child. Especially if they have been leaving everything baby related to you.

Childcare can work out but it can be less successful and less enriching due to staffing levels, than having a parent at home.

You need to both sit down and solve the solution for more help in the business. It's not a case of who should be bringing the options of what to do, it's got to be a mutual decision where everyone is happy with it. Burying resentments or forcing you to "get over" your reservations, will ultimately ruin your marriage, whether there's cheating or not.
You have to work together as a team and be invested in the fact that you are thinking of each other. If this isn't happening, then I would urge you to go to counselling. So you can learn to resolve issues effectively and understand each others points of view.

You do have an alternative solution for him. Employ someone he hasn’t fucked. Surely there must be someone!

Is he so stupid he thinks business owners only employ people they know, and never actually recruit from a pool of suitable professionals they haven’t been balls deep in?

Please ask him that.

Nope. Absolutely NOPE!

Nope. Absolutely NOPE!

How long would it take to train a new person?

That message he sent you is totally trying to put all the blame on you. ‘Ripping the family apart’ WTAF??

He seems like he’s fighting pretty hard for her to start. He could have had a job advert out by now!

He’s missing the point totally. It’s not only their history, it’s her behaviour, her form for having no problem coming onto and sleeping with married men, and right under their wife’s nose. She sounds like a snake. You’ll constantly worry every time he has to go to the office, or his phone goes off, or if he’s late home. Even if nothing happens, the seed is there now so isn’t it just better all round to get someone new?

The more he digs his heels in, the more it looks like he’s DESPERATE to have her around.

Yep.

I assume he interviewed for the position (no pun intended) so does seem strange she was considered the best choice. Aside from that, his lack of understanding for your dismay is a bit of a red flag. I'm with you on this one.

And good point by a PP why not contact some recruitment agencies, they will likely have people on the books who could be suitable

If I were you I would suggest that you go back for a short period of time to train someone new, once he has hired them. How long that takes is purely down to how much he wants someone else there. This woman does not need to be in his work place, and should not be. You offering to go back will force his hand - either he accepts the offer or he will have to come up with some other reason she needs to be there. If he takes the second option I'd tell him to walk. He would be choosing her over you. You also need to insist that she pays any money she owes you for rent. I appreciate that suggestion means you going back to work before you want to but it would force his hand. The only way in which he is correct is that you aren't offering any alternatives. Honestly I think he's just trying to back you into a corner, so take the initiative and make him say he is choosing her if that's what he's doing. He could (hopefully) surprise you and be all for it.

Theres nothing you can do with this level of Gaslighting. ( I'm m secretly thinking you need extra danger- money because these are unacceptable working conditions) ...Does HE know YOU know. ..That makes it worse. You need to skewer a man where it HURTS MOST!!!!! In The Pocket!!!!!!! What a perfect solution. After that start leaving tubes of Heamorhoid cream in the rest room.

He didn't. The issues have arisen the past few weeks. No interviews conducted.

I was recently in a position where I could have applied for a job where I would have managed someone I had previously had a fling with. I ended it and he then sporadically contacted me suggesting we meet up… fast forward to a time now where I am in a very happy and devoted relationship. There is no way I would put myself in the position of managing an ex (even a fling) - one because it could have been a conflict and two because I have too much respect for my partner

So this is something they've cooked up between them then?

Totally unacceptable.

I haven’t read all the replies but tell me if I have it wrong.
Your partner and woman were casually hooking up whilst being colleagues. He met you, called that off and now you own a business together, live together and have a baby together. The woman still indirectly worked for him this whole time but due to lack of profit and your partner needing to cut his workload down, he created a position that benefit both the woman and him. He could try and find another person but the woman has the knowledge and skills to reduce his workload now. You could do the job but you’re on maternity leave and don’t want to cut it short.
Straight up, this is not a hill you should be willing to die on. Apart from this issue, how is your relationship normally? If all is good, why stress yourself out?
Personally, I wouldn’t have a fuck to give. If your partner is likely to cheat, that could be with anyone. Just because they have history does not mean anything. Its history for a reason.
You should work on why you feel this way, therapy is a great tool and it could really help.

He is absolutely gaslighting you. He created this situation, not you. She has a clear history of crossing work boundaries, ruining relationships. You have a right to be concerned. He neefs to find someone else as this is not how a real man, decent husband behaves. To be clear, your reaction has f all to do with your hormones and everything to do with that woman with zilch morals and his abhorrent lack of empathy towards you. She has to go.

Yes this is the gist. They stopped roughly when we met.

I know it's innocent from him now, but it doesn't sit comfortably with me if that makes sense. I know he's not doing it to keep her around etc, it's a win win to him for the job/work side, but it's their history and her history in the workplace that makes me feel uneasy.

I'm torn between is this really worth the fight/stress, to my back going up at his attitude towards it all. He's flipping between I know why you feel the way you do, but it's still happening

The woman in question, (after we got together) slept with another employees husband who she met his wife and kids a few times each week.
The other employee is the villain here. Is he still allowed to work in the office, or is it just the "tart" that you don't think should be hired. It sounds like the married men in the office need to learn to keep their trousers on.

But it's never My Nigel's fault .

He left of his own accord as soon as it happened, cut contact etc. I didn't once say he wasn't at fault.

The reason I had mentioned it was because it wasn't a "I didn't know he was married" or hadn't met the wife etc. type situation.

She was fully aware. She was friendly and chatty with her and the kids multiple times per week, whilst this was brewing. I didn't once call her a tart, but after this, she's not someone I can take at face value?

It's not your hormones and don't let him gaslight you. The very fact he's prepared to fight so hard for this - and that getting his own way overrides his wife's valid feelings - is not a good sign.

You are right that you would never be able to relax knowing they were working together. He should understand and respect that. Hell, most normal people would find it very awkward to work for an ex-lover!

You do not need a list of reasons to counter his - the wedge it would force into your marriage should be enough for him to back off.

If he genuinely can't stand the stress of running his own business without recruiting ex-lovers, he should quit it and work for The Man like everyone else...