Husbands new employee

[onesu]

Would you be ok with your husband hiring someone he had previously slept with, and had history with when working together before?

The woman in question, (after we got together) slept with another employees husband who she met his wife and kids a few times each week.

I feel uncomfortable working so close (same office, two desks apart) with someone he had history with, understand everyone has a past etc. just have an awful feeling about this. I'm of course unreasonable, and it's for "the good of the business".

My hormones are playing havoc from stopping breastfeeding so not sure if this is playing a part.

@onesu “I'm jealous, not doing well mentally etc.”

Wow. Just wow!! Not doing well mentally?! Gaslighting you much???

I literally can’t believe he’s said that to you!!

Completely exhausted from it, and absolutely livid he can't see where I'm coming from.

Of course he can see where you're coming from. He's an adult. He has an imagination. The capacity to consider how he would feel in your position.

Women so often make the mistake of assuming they just haven't explained themselves well enough; haven't chanced upon the magic combination of words that will make him say, "Ohhh! That's what you were trying to say. Now I understand!"

But there is no magic combination of words. There is no explanation.

Your partner either loves, respects and trusts you enough to listen to and consider what you are saying, whether or not they agree with it. Or they don't.

And if they disagree, then they, as a fully functioning adult who is in possession of some interpersonal skills at leaat (given he runs a company and liaises with customers/ients/suppliers/staff and managed to get married), also possess the skills to explain themselves.

"She's just a friend," "You're just jealous," and "You're mental," are the weakest of arguments from someone who knows they are in the wrong and have already lost the argument.

I definitely wouldn't like this x

Also, it takes a certain kind of arsehole to have their wife carry, birth, and breastfeed their child, only to dismiss their legitimate concerns as hormones/mental illness.

Jesus. Yeah OP I'm afraid you have bigger problems than him hiring his ex fuck buddy as his new employee....

What an absolute arsehole.

Oh and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that he hasn't shagged who could "help to reduce his workload".

Dick.

I was putting the baby down for a nap and seaw that he'd tried to call me three times. Don't know where we go from here tbh.

If he doesn't hire her, there will be resentment from his side for making his work harder (I do understand this).

However, if he does then it'll be resentment from me.

Add in what he's said today!

He doesn't hire her. After what he has said today, that's the absolute least he needs to do. And then he can grow up a bit. And then he can hire someone he hasn't shagged.

I wouldn't be able to look at him if he were my partner. I'm actually cross on your behalf!

I really wouldn't be backing down here. The danger is that you start to feel bad, start to worry you're over reacting and eventually feel like you're being unreasonable, and you're sure it'll be ok...

The only problem is that, by the time she's there and employed, it'll be too late.

I think this would be line on the sand territory for me tbh.

I think @onesu if it was me I would sit down with him and tell him calmly that, hormones or not, you are not comfortable with him hiring someone he used to sleep with. Whether he agrees with that or not is his problem but you are allowed to express your unhappiness with something.

I would tell him that if he goes ahead with it then you are going to have to seriously rethink your marriage because he is putting what he wants above your needs and disrecting your opinion and feelings.

And I would say "Yes I am jealous. There is nothing wrong with that. She is someone you used to have sex with." There might not be a comparable, hypothetical situation at the moment but I can guarantee if you were to meet up with someone you used to shag for a coffee / lunch, he wouldn't be happy.

He didn't no, phoned me on the way home yesterday and told me he was excited for the new 'structure'

Yeah I bet he is 🙄

Angry on your behalf.

Just how rare and special is this skill set, that she is the only person on earth who can do the job?

There is always some level of chemistry between exes.

No there really isn't. Alot of ppl are also super cringed out by an ex

Don’t ask 😮

I would absolutely not be ok with this. It's not ok. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking it is.

Yeah but if I was "super cringed" by an ex-shag, I probably wouldn't be actively seeking them out to hire them to work for me 🙄

I wouldn't be comfortable with it. Doesn't sit right with me at all.

@onesu

Your husband clearly has fuck-all consideration for your feelings does he? What a fukin c-nt! No decent MARRIED man would employ an ex lover FFS! And she has had affairs with other men in the office too? Has she got no control of herself FFS?! I would be telling my husband that the marriage is over if he employs this woman. Not because I am jealous, but because I would think he is a nasty c-nt who cares fuck-all about me and my feelings.

Stick to your guns OP. He's being a dick.

not doing well mentally etc

What a gaslighting bastard and imo this is always how the script begins.

No. Absolutely not. You don’t do something that makes your spouse uncomfortable just to make others comfortable.

Have contracts been signed? I would really be putting my foot down after him saying the above.

You're basically telling him you don't trust him.

He tried to minimise their sexual history by saying it was only two times.

I did say that if he does go ahead with it, it will ruin our marriage even if innocent. One, ignoring how I'm feeling and also the what ifs.

His phone pings throughout the night (24-hour business) and I'll be lying wondering if it's her, if he's home late, etc. If I'm uncomfortable with it now, it's only going to get worse.

I think he's minimising it to himself for an easy work life, she's proven she can do the aspects required. I do understand some of his rationale, doesn't mean its ok with me. As one poster said, I feel it is a problem waiting to happen

It’s not about trust it’s about boundaries and respect. Everyone is entitled to their own and OP isn’t really being unreasonable with this. It’s not like she’s telling him he can’t go to a work Christmas party because this woman is present. She’s asking him not to hire her and spend 3 days a week with her. He’s completely ignoring OP’s feelings because it isn’t convenient for him. On top of that he’s gaslighting her by saying she’s mentally unwell for feeling this way! Any man who cares about his partner and their feelings would see that this isn’t worth the hassle and not do it.

I trust my partner completely but I wouldn’t like him sharing a hotel room with another woman. It doesn’t mean I don’t trust him. It’s just disrespectful.

I would have some serious doubts if my partner ever told me I was mentally unwell during a disagreement. How dare he throw that at you.

Of course it's not OK

Problem is tho he doesn't give a toss about your feelings does he

@onesu He understands exactly where you're coming from, and that's why he went for the jugular. He can't reasonably argue why it needs to be her, so he went nasty, with the intention of shutting you up. Nasty work!

So he was still in communication with her and still had a friendship with her. He's got himself into a right situation. On what basis now would he get rid of her, my wife doesn't like it? I'm not sure that works unless you are also involved with the business. I think you are stuck with this and highly likely if something develops it was going on anyway. Not easy for you !