Husbands new employee

[onesu]

Would you be ok with your husband hiring someone he had previously slept with, and had history with when working together before?

The woman in question, (after we got together) slept with another employees husband who she met his wife and kids a few times each week.

I feel uncomfortable working so close (same office, two desks apart) with someone he had history with, understand everyone has a past etc. just have an awful feeling about this. I'm of course unreasonable, and it's for "the good of the business".

My hormones are playing havoc from stopping breastfeeding so not sure if this is playing a part.

I don't think you've said if this was before you met or since, which would make a difference to me.

Can she wfh permanently?

Worked together, slept together, we met, and they still continued working together. Their ‘banter’ at the start used to niggle me. She's quite overly familiar if you get me.

A few years back she took over one of his businesses (no longer seeing/really dealing with her) now she's handing the business back as she's not capable of running it to make a profit.

He then created this role.

Yeah, her boundaries are shit. His boundaries are shit.

I wonder if he 'created this role' with her in mind?

In fact, in your shoes, I'd be wondering if they came up with the idea together.

It really doesn't matter if you trust him or not. Trust is not a protective shield that prevents someone straying. The vast majority of betrayed spouses trusted their partners. No one can be trusted 100%, snd no one here can see into his private thoughts or hers to tell you what will happen between them, if anything. The best that can be said is that if you're doing a risk assessment this situation poses a higher risk than not. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do now as it wouldn't be right to ask him to withdraw the job. You just need to hope for the best. Which when it comes to it, so do we all.

It really doesn't matter if you trust him or not. Trust is not a protective shield that prevents someone straying

Quite. I never really understand why people say things are a matter of trust. It's irrelevant whether you trust someone or not. Your trust is not what matter's here.

I hate when women's rationale and/or feelings are singularly linked to their hormones, often to belittle or dismiss them. Are you hormonal, yes for sure, but we all are, at different levels at different times of our lives/months/days. AND you are intelligent enough to see why hiring this person is highly problematic and unprofessional, even your guts tell you, even a lot of people on here tell you. Don't let anyone, specially not your husband, even less so your own self, brush away your feelings and thoughts because your hormones are this or this level at the moment. I hope your husband sees through this and recognise how a monumental mistake he is making. Good luck OP!

So he's created this specific role just for her then said it's for the best of his business? If her renting his business wasn't making him any money, then surely she isn't the right person at all?! Sorry if I misunderstand the dynamic here.

After your last post - if he's left the decision in your hands, just put your foot down. You can own that you might be wrong, but it's for your peace of mind. We sometines do unecessary things for peace of mind.

Anyone who thinks their marriage is indestructible because there is love and trust is wrong. Ongoing effort and vigilance are also required!

Not a chuffing chance.

h

I wouldn't personally feel comfortable with it myself , if he had any respect he wouldn't of hired her either if there's previous history and knows its going to cause issues , I would also find a way to get her fired lmao 🤣

Nope nope nope

Not on my watch. This is a hill I would choose to die on.

You just gave birth to his baby. The fucking least he can do is hire someone he hasn’t shagged.

My spider senses are tingling..............

NO WAY is he brain dead? Just come out with it and tell this is totally inappropriate.

OP, the more you say, the more it sounds as though he never really broke up with her!

Thinking logically, why would you create a role for someone who couldn't run their own business when they tried? He likes having her around to admire him by the sounds of it with the possibility of more any time he wants it as she is available, especially to married men. Doesn't sound like this is something your hormones have created. I can't imagine anyone tolerating this situation as I know I wouldn't .

I'd tell him exactly how you feel and that if he goes ahead then he has effectively chosen her over you and your relationship will end. Say, you're going to ask others (friends, family) what their take on this would be. Deep down, he knows he's being unreasonable but is still hoping to get away with it.

THIS!! NOT A HOPE IN HELL I'D LET HER WORK FOR HIM!

We've not been on great times since this post.

He's apologised for blaming my hormones, but cannot see what is different between the current arrangement, and what the proposed one will be. I said I wasn't under the impression they were in daily contact, and he said they're not and won't be going forward. Again, I explained everyone has a past but I don't want to be living in his.

He's adamant he's doing this for the business/more family time. He said she's not the only person that could do it, but would be easier considering she knows the clerical/on job processes rather than fine and train someone new.

He did suggest that she works from another office for the majority of the time. She wouldn't be in direct communication with him she would report to someone else etc. but let's be honest, it'll still involve communication/paths crossing.

The arrangement he's basically suggested is that if it doesn't go ahead, I step in and assist (we own one business together in the group, there is three in total) when I've currently been dealing with all things baby- giving him the capability to do his stuff!! This arrangement has been fine, I do recognise stress is building and we do need a solution.

I feel like I either accept this. Or forced in the position to put my little one into childcare and make the return.

My ex husband and I get on {He's been married twice since} but I disagree that there is ''chemistry''.
The very thought makes me laugh! 😆

But I understand why @onesu is upset.
exDH had a very glamorous GF before me who I was really jealous over, and she used to invite us over for meals.
I was never happy about that.

Once , we were walking through Central London and I felt his hand impulsively crush mine- I looked up and saw a woman in the distance that looked so like his ex.

Not sure if it was her or not, but his hand movement showed his shock at seeing a lookey-likey.

So you respond with no. He needs to find someone else.

@onesu After your last post, I don't think you should be putting your baby into nursery ''Just'' to work with your husband - If he's going to be unfaithful, he will be unfaithful wether she works with him or not, but I absolutely understand your worries.

What is wrong with people! Fidelity oughtn't be this difficult.

Sorry for the typos! Baby didn't sleep great last night.

I know the processes that need covered, so would be me coming back to work earlier than planned. We were both happy with the current arrangement, until workloads increased etc.

He sees hiring her as a win win, I can continue to be at home and she knows the processes. Again, sorry if this is a drip feed it's quite a weird situation!

Bollocks to that. He is trying to bully you.

He created this role just for her! All of a sudden he needs someone desperately to fill a certain role?! Bullshit.

You really need to stand your ground and tell him it’s a dealbreaker.

"He sees hiring her as a win win, I can continue to be at home and she knows the processes. Again, sorry if this is a drip feed it's quite a weird situation!"

errr or it's a potential lose lose - you and seeing his DC every day + half of everything he owns???

He's being extremely arrogant and disrespectful of your feelings and gaslights you by implying you simply can't see what a 'brilliant' solution him hiring her is - sorry OP, I appreciate it's your life and not mine, but I'd be giving him a 'brilliant' solution of my own - "hire someone else (who may require training but also doesn't have intimate knowledge of your husband!), I won't be returning to work earlier than I planned and if she is employed by you on any terms DH, it's the position of wife you'll need to fill instead". You're an intelligent woman - sometimes compromise is needed and sometimes it's an ultimatum that's required...

His argument he keeps repeating is nothing is changing. He's still professionally involved now, so it'll be a case of just a different 'role'.

I did explain that normally people in this circumstance would now cut ties, not keep the 'working' relationship going.

I feel like I'm going mad.

A message I received yesterday:

Ive got a solution to make my work and home life easier, you've let your feelings break our family apart. You've not given me alternate solution, whilst not listening to a word Ive said. not acknowledging or listening that there isn't necessarily a change taking place. I tell you that and you get out of it that I'm messaging and texting on a daily basis. Its ludicrous that you've let this rip our family apart. You'll blame me, but i don't have much alternates at the moment. I'm exhausted and want an easy fix with the structure which not only helps safeguard the businesses, but also our day to day living in the form of our wages. i'm not saying that she's the only option out there, but I don't know anyone else that can do clerical as well as hands on and experience in the ()