Husbands new employee

[onesu]

Would you be ok with your husband hiring someone he had previously slept with, and had history with when working together before?

The woman in question, (after we got together) slept with another employees husband who she met his wife and kids a few times each week.

I feel uncomfortable working so close (same office, two desks apart) with someone he had history with, understand everyone has a past etc. just have an awful feeling about this. I'm of course unreasonable, and it's for "the good of the business".

My hormones are playing havoc from stopping breastfeeding so not sure if this is playing a part.

He's the owner. No formal interview etc.

Then he's created this role.

So he's literally made a role for her specifically in his own business. It's not even like she's just accidentally turned up at an interview and he's on the panel? He's literally created a job for her? A woman who he has multiple one night stands with.

Wow.

I said in my PP 'absolutely fucking not' but to be honest OP, the mere fact that he has done this has set massive alarm bells ringing. Whether he hires her or not, how can you be sure there isn't still something going on?!

In any relationship you really shouldn't be doing things that make your partner unhappy.

He apparently discussed this with her before you? That's a bad sign.

If this was so innocent he wouldn't be insisting on it and shutting down the conversation and calling you untrusting.

You are not wrong to feel like this. He is also gaslighting you by saying he would trust you if the tables were turned. Do the other employees know of their and her history? Do you have much say in how the business is run?

Yeah, all pf this. He seems more concerned about facilitating her lifestyle than about your feelings, sorry to say.

This.

Why on earth out of everyone he could have employed, did he choose her? I wonder .....

So in effect he has already been financially supporting her - not collecting rent from her.
And now he has created a role for her in his own company.
And he's prepared to override your feelings to do this.
He sounds very emotionally invested in her already. And is in effect putting her before you.

This has made me really angry on your behalf. Please don't blame hormones, yes they can make you feel emotional sometimes but they don't change your moral code and what you would consider right and wrong. And you wouldn't do this to him.

I have loads of male friends, both me and my husband go out to dinner with friends of the opposite sex etc. Absolutely no way would we, or anyone we know, be comfortable with someone actively choosing to spend significant amount of time with someone who they'd worked with before and had multiple one night stands with. Particularly when it does not in any way sound essential for the business.

And he is being really disingenuous, dismissing your concerns and telling you he'd be fine with it. He wouldn't. Literally no one on this thread has said they'd be ok with it.

He says by creating this role he can tick off the areas of the businesses in which he needs cover, which she has small experience in with what she was doing for him previously.

He knows she can do x, y and z so can build on that so that the business runs smoother. I do know this does need addressed in his business, so he's not lying about that, just who he has chosen to do it!

I'd expect anyone who is sexually active to be that way skilled really.

Whether I had no children or 8 makes no difference

of all the women in all the world why does he need to hire that one??

In no universe would I be okay with this. It’s a problem waiting to happen.

Tbh OP even if he eventually ends up not employing her in the business I would be hyper vigilant regarding his relationship with her goung forward because the signs re his feelings for her dont look good.

She’s seen his dick. It would be a no from me.

This. She sounds like she’s got form and that is what would worry me irrespective of whether he is trustworthy or not. If she didn’t and they’d been exes years ago, and both had moved on, I don’t think it would be an issue.

We’ve all known one of those sorts of women, or men, who are persistent and must ‘win’ at all costs, homewrecking and not caring who they hurt. I’ve worked with a couple of people like this in the past and the object of their desires being married or having kids doesn’t stop them.

If she makes a beeline for your husband or someone else in the office, is he going to spend time having to try and sort this out or de with her inappropriate behaviour?

No.

No no no.

Yeah, he is certainly well aware of her skillset! 😜

Did he talk this over with you before hiring her?

That's my thinking, where do I go from here.

@Bumcake He didn't no, phoned me on the way home yesterday and told me excited for the new 'structure' (I do believe that he is looking forward to having all bases covered with work, it is required) and was shocked I wasn't excited alongside him!

He's using the excuse it puts him less down the pecking order if cover is needed, ie more family time. Don't want it destroying the family beforehand!

christ, do you need it spelt out to you as to why this is a bad idea? there’s attractive people everywhere, why shit where you sleep?

How did he recruit her? If he created the role, it's fairly obvious it was created just for her, so they must have been in contact beforehand?
As pretty much everyone else has said, creating a role for someone you've slept with who is known for having affairs with married colleagues is not a good sign. At all.

I would be absolutely furious about this.

Not only do they have history, but she regards married men as available, so her moral compass is warped.

Add to this that he is already putting her ahead of you in terms of feelings etc. She gets the job, you have to deal with it.

This is disrespect and disaster written all over it.

Well my personal opinion is that the best way forward is to sit down with him and be open about how his relationship with her looks : that his actions all point to showing he has feelings for her, that he is more concerned about helping her and drawing her closer to him than he is about you and his relationship with you.
I think you should be asking him not only not to employ her but to cut contact with her.
If he refuses to address your concerns and is unwilling to draw back from his relationship with her then I think you will have a clear picture of her importance to him and where you stand. You would need to think about your relationship with him going forward.

This is just my personal opinion of course OP. I really feel for you as it is a difficult situation for you.

Also OP @onesu as someone who used to have a FWB at work (well, usually a drunken shag after a works nights out - we were both single though) if he got in touch with me now and asked me to work for him I would say no thank you.

Out of respect to my (now) DP and his (now) wife.

And I have a VERY relaxed and chilled out DP.

It is hugely disrespectful on both sides.

So if you told him you were really excited that your old fuck buddy has agreed to come and be a nanny/cleaner in your home on a daily basis; isn't that great?

He needs the work because he slept with the wife in his old job and got fired, your DH would HONESTLY be ok with that? 🤔

Whilst I do have exs I could happily work with now with no hint of impropriety;
A) we were just FWBs when we were both single
B) I would never and have never have/had sex with another woman's partner or husband.
C) if the wife was in anyway uncomfortable with the situation, I wouldn't take the job. A real friend doesn't knowingly damage their friend's marriage.

She will be damaging your marriage if she works for him, if she truly is DH's friend that fact alone would prevent her from taking the job.

He had to pop home there and we ended up having a row.

I echoed what was said on here, and he said that he didn't agree that he would have to speak with me about it prior as she's just a friend, I'm jealous, not doing well mentally etc.

Completely exhausted from it, and absolutely livid he can't see where I'm coming from. He's insisting its to reduce workload and make his life easier, which I do appreciate, but the disregard for me and my feelings whilst doing so.